Musical_teaCats

It’s Valentine’s Day, and I spent the day with friends. After a lovely afternoon of coffee shops and chocolate strawberry/brownie batter ice cream, we stumbled across a gift shop and decided to explore. And as we’re looking through all the things inside, I see the most perfect tumbler in my favorite blue, quoting my favorite bible verse (Psalms 46:10) in a beautiful cursive. I also had just so happened to have been given some money by a friend for giving her a ride, and had just enough to buy it.

And now, I sit in the chapel with my Beloved after a wonderful day. And I know He’s been with me the whole time.

I went to go get my safety inspection renewed for my car, and found out that the break pads had to be replaced. Oof, money (context: I do not have the best of finances rn lol). However, the mechanics turned out to be super sweet guys, and lowered the price as low as they possibly could for me, one of them even replacing a part himself so he could take off his portion of the labor cost from the total. Absolute sweethearts!

And as I’m paying for the repairs, I feel that familiar, warm, loving presence. My Beloved, reminding me that He is close; that His Love will not take away the hardships in my life, but guide me through them if I let Him in— if I trust Him.

[image ID: a young woman with shoulder length wavy hair is standing with her back to the camera leaning to her left on a wooden cane. She is wearing a long brown wool skirt, with a brown/orange/green colored crocheted sweater]

[IMAGE ID: A young tortoiseshell-colored cat with long fur is perched on the ledge of a windowsill, staring out the window with interest]

Look at my lil girl. Look at how beautiful she is. What a lil model. I love her sm. This is why she is the muse for my photography. What a photogenic little baby girl

Things may look a little different for me now, and who knows what my health will be like in the future, but I’m glad I can still find joy in capturing the beauty around me in little ways like this.

This is probably one of the best photos I’ve been able to take of the night sky, and hopefully I can take even more so I can continue to capture little glimpses of the beautiful world we live in.

In the midst of making more bread, I realized that I had added too much water and that the dough was over hydrated. Worried that the leaf would not turn out because it just didn’t seem like it was rising, I said a quick prayer request during my 3pm Divine Mercy Chaplet that my loaf will turn out.

After I finish my chaplet, I have the thought to check my bread maker again since it’s on the 3rd rise. Lo and behold, it’s rising! And in my joy that my loaf may not turn out as badly as I first thought, I feel the gentle presence of my Beloved asking me to trust him.

I was making pasta earlier, and as I was adding Parmesan cheese, I thought to myself:

More. You cannot add too much Parmesan cheese. It is impossible. …Well, it may be possible but it’s very hard.

10 minutes later, as I take a bite of the pasta, I realize, much to my amusement: It is, in fact, possible to add too much Parmesan cheese.

And I get the feeling of my Beloved looking down from His glorious throne, eyes full of a beautiful Love so incomprehensibly vast, and chuckling.

There are razor blades in my knees,

jagged, burning, stabbing.

There is lava in my nerves.

I am being electrocuted.

My arms and hands tremble and shake.

My chest, my heart, is being

stabbed

with a knife.

An elephant

is stepping on my lungs.

The base of my skull creaks

like an old wooden door.

My head is one of those magic 8 balls,

A heavy little sphere filled with water.

My eyes slipping and sliding about

like wet eels.

My mind is a lake of molasses,

shrouded in a thick, heavy fog.

Thick, suffocating.

I cannot see my thoughts.

I cannot find them.

My brain is vibrating.

Words do not make sense.

My brain is being boiled.

My head is being crushed

with thick rubber bands.

My eyelids weigh 1000lbs.

My hands shake as I write this.

I see so many people rightfully grieve the life they lived before becoming disabled, the life they cannot continue as it once was. And it made me realize— I do not have a normal life to grieve. I have dealt with the symptoms of my conditions my entire life— the pain, the exhaustion, the breathlessness, everything. It bleeds into my entire history, my entire life, from my first memories to my wonders of the future.

And yet I still grieve.

I grieve the “normal” life I never got to live, the life I kept being told was normal, only for me to find out later that it wasn’t. I grieve a life without pain, without misunderstanding, without humiliation and shame for not being able to keep up with other kids even though I was apparently “normal.” It is a long, slow, continuous process.

And as I wait for the arrival of my wheelchair next week, I also hope. I hope for a future I know nothing about; I hope for a life I have never lived. Not a normal life— my life will never be normal, and that is something I must come to terms with. But rather, a life where I do not have to push myself far beyond my limits just to survive. A life where I do not have to suffer to simply live. A life where an outing outside my house isn’t accompanied by severe fatigue and pain, a life where I can focus on the world around me rather than on where the next chair is so I don’t collapse with pain and faint from exhaustion. A life where I can speak without trying not to lose my train of thought because I can physically feel the blood draining from my head. A life where I can truly live, rather than simply survive.

[IMAGE ID: A white byAcre Carbon Ultralight rollator with a fake vine decorated with white cherry blossoms snaking down the side]

It feels like sitting on the most comfortable couch ever, wrapped in blankets, near a warm fire. A bowl of the most delicious soup in hand, and the most wonderfully soft music playing in the background on a cold, winter day.

It is here, with my Beloved, that I feel truly at peace. Like my entire being has sighed in relief.

No matter what kind of day I have had, I will always enjoy ending it with Him, whether it be to seek out His comfort in my sorrow, happily rave to Him about my accomplishments, or simply to feel His loving presence. Because ultimately He is Love Itself; the perfect embodiment of Love, limitless, unconditional, and unwavering. No matter how much I love Him, I will never be too much; He will always love me infinitely more. I can truly love Him with my entire being, and know that the depths of His love for me stretch infinitely more than I could possibly imagine. How beautiful is that? To be loved so infinitely, so gently and yet so passionately? To know that He is with me wherever I go, even if I don’t feel it in the moment— I am never alone. To know that, if it is truly His will for me to be consecrated to Him as His Bride, that my vows will not say “till death do us part” because ultimately death is just the beginning?