Musings of a wandering mind

I’m not quite sure why this song, which was next in my queue from another song, but the bass line is freaking hot. And I still find Drake attractive. Hmmm...

It's been awhile since I've posted word vomit here. Mostly because I had just forgotten to post things. Another reason is because I have been ridiculously busy.

I need to start with a confession, and that will explain about 75% of my problem: I have not been to see my psychologist in close to a year. I felt like I had a better handle on my anxiety through medication, but in certain aspects of life, I'm not sure medication can even stop the thoughts I have (cue Green Day's 'Give Me Novocaine'). 

I have been waging psychological war on myself. Unwillingly. Especially in terms of how I handle the past of B. I can honestly say I have never been a jealous person. However (long story short), certain people from his past have come up in various ways, and I find myself wanting to know every single detail. I want them to vanish...completely, from the face of the earth. I didn't know it was possible to feel a burning, hellfire type hate for people I don't even know, but I think I have figured out what feeds that hellfire: I compulsively go on a psychological, detective-style investigation to figure these people out because I feel that I am in constant competition with them.

Now, before you say 'well clearly he has chosen you, so why are you worried about it?,' you need to understand (if you haven't already) the mindset that severe anxiety has created for me: I am constantly in fear that I am going to lose the best thing that has ever happened to me. I very much believe that he is my soulmate, but the haunts from the past come around and I don't feel so secure. Sure, it could still happen for a totally unrelated reason, but I have convinced myself (or anxiety has convinced me?) that it will happen this way. I feel like I HAVE to investigate these people so that I can totally figure them out and then prove why I was chosen over them. This is NOT (I repeat - is NOT) something that B does; it is totally of my own mind. And I hate it. I hate it with the same, fiery, hellfire of anger that sits in my chest and stomach for these people. I think 'how am I not exactly like these ridiculously jealous people that I make fun of?' And I answer my own question: it's not a jealousy that fuels my fire, but more magnifies the inadequacies I feel within myself, which I believe allows these people from the past to come back. 

So now that I have identified this, the question is, how do I handle it, move past it, and STOP DOING THIS SO I CAN LIVE A NORMAL DAMN LIFE?? It literally is maddening, it's always there - a poisonous voice that can unravel any and all progress I have made with one little whisper. 

She's prettier than you. She knew him before you did. You're never going to be enough. You're a teacher...how can you compare? You're the fattest.

It is absolutely maddening. And again, I'm back to the point where I have identified a problem, but I feel that admitting it and seeking out help from my psychologist is admitting weakness. I suppose now that I have figured this out, I have to face the demon, right? That's the logical, right(?) thing to do. The first step is always the most terrifying.

Always fun.