Scrawls On Loose Leaves

Hello!

Today, I turned twenty-five years old. Unlike the excitement and fun brought by the years that have long and previously gone by, turning 25 didn’t wake me up with people singing happy birthday, cake/s in a box, or ended the day with many, many photographs with families and long time friends. This year was different. I celebrated my day with my family (virtually, due to the quarantine) filled with a different kind of excitement that tells me that today marks the day when I finish the first quarter of my life and I embark on the last few years of my prime years. And just like any years, months, days, and seconds that went by, I can no longer go back and undo anything from the past 25 years. I felt that the next quarter of my life was mostly determined by my first quarter and the following, the preceding. No matter where I looked, I felt responsible for every new day that I’ll wake up to--responsible for making each day count towards who I’m going to be when I turn 26, then later 30. 

Turning 18 felt like yesterday. I remember being so young and wild and wishing that I was 21 so I could buy my own alcohol. When I turned 21, things felt very exciting! I was so eager to take on so many things, and I was very aggressive with chasing my goals and dreams. I was relentless, fearless, and excited by the things that I wanted to accomplish for that year! Life was filled with colors. I made a lot of friends I spent a lot of time with, even more than I did with my family. I spent the past years between being 18 and 24 celebrating New Years, Christmases, and Thanksgiving Days in ways I’ve never done before, and avoiding doing the same things twice even in different holidays. I traveled solo internationally for a month, then with my brother the next year. I learned so many things that I only wished I could learn when I was back in our country. I did great in school, and I was able to buy things I didn’t think I would afford before I was 18. It was the time of my life. I had so much fun, and I am filled with gratitude to my younger self for being so fearless and for being passionate about living life to the fullest and for teaching me the wonder of lifelong curiosity and the value of pursuing the things that ignited my heart and soul and of keeping track and really putting in every effort you can to conquer those.

Today, I woke up feeling like a child, when, ironic as it may sound, I am obviously not anymore. Being a fan of holidays and birthdays, I was eager to mark this day doing things that I want to do for the day. So, with my sophisticated taste for fine food, I whipped myself up an enhanced version of Truffle Pappardelle from scratch, inspired by the high-end restaurant in NYC, Scalinatella. I also baked myself a layered Tres Leches cake, with 3 candles and decorative lettering. I wrote a few things about how I want the next years of my life to be, the things I dream of having in the future (because I think that’s where they belong), and just a few other things that I did not want to forget. Right, a checklist is the key to success. At dinner, I had a little toast with my family, after being in a few conference calls with friends, and responding to over a hundred greetings online. I felt very happy with how the day turned out. It outdid my expectations and goals. One thing for sure is that I truly appreciate the people who remembered me, not just due to online reminders, but those who had me in their minds as this month commenced. Their warm wishes alone already made my day, and I did not need the rare and extravagant truffle (no way, I love that truffle pasta! It was to die for, FYI! ) to make myself feel like a million bucks!

In any case, no amount of Truffle Pappardelle could prepare me for the following years, let alone the following day, Monday. I am happy to announce that I recently accepted a high-caliber Ph.D. training offer from a 2-year program at my university, and an undergraduate position at a Biomedical Research Facility focusing on Neuroimmunology. I am incredulous and filled with excitement as I embark on this journey that will dictate and control many aspects of my career and my future. This entire journey, like many journeys I’ve taken prior, is a crucial step in molding my chosen path -- Ph.D. graduate school. As daunting as it sounds, I chose to take the 5th year to dedicate the year after graduation acquiring lab training and conducting research at a well-funded facility, with a well-known program. At this age, resume matters more than the year of graduation. So I do not feel any regrets about my decision, especially that it’s been widely supported by people and respected people whose opinions matter a lot to me. Right, Monday. Tomorrow is my second week at the lab, and we start with piles of scientific publications about the ongoing pandemic -- COVID-19-- which, by the way, I had to read while baking. Notice, I do not put much attention to how I write, unlike I used to back in the days. It is mostly just because I learned that it is better to get to write what your heart desires, then your mind would probably take care of the details later (if that ever comes). Yeah, I’ve learned to embrace spontaneity in things I used to want perfection in. I learned that my spontaneity in other things may be helpful in other things, but that doesn’t mean that I do not want to ever make this entry a bit more flowery.

Look, you know what really matters? What matters to me is that I am alive and healthy, I look forward to so many wonderful and exciting things for my future, my family love and support me, I have real friends I could count on, and I am in a place that I never even dreamed of being in. I do not regret the decisions that I made in the past (good and bad) after thinking long and hard and really considering their consequences, or not thinking about them at all, because those decisions brought me to where I am today. I am in a 4-bedroom apartment all to myself fully paid by my school, with dining money provided by my school. I am safe during this trying time, I make a lot of effort in raising my awareness and keeping myself healthy (mentally, physically, and emotionally), and I am true to everything I say and do. I do not regret anything that I have done in the far and recent past, and when I am fifty I will not look back on any day that I will regret because that is who I am, I make each day count, and any shortcomings I have, I always try to find ways to make it better, especially when making things better is what benefits me and what would benefit my loved ones in the future. I’ve done many things alone, without much support, and now that I am receiving a lot of support, I take all these as an advantage to get myself to where I need to be.

Run with the big dogs, love yourself, love your people, love living, and pour your heart over what sets it on fire, dear self. You were born to live life and pursue what you truly desire without limitations, so don’t create one.

Cheers to twenty-five and so,

Dorothy

Beginnings are beautiful. It is the newness of something, the introduction, the eagerness, the breath of fresh air, that makes beginnings feel out of the ordinary. More often than not, we tend to enjoy many things that we are just starting to discover, until  time comes when they are no longer interesting to us. What is it that puts our interest at rest? Was it us who got tired eventually? Was it familiarity that breeds contempt instead of trust? Was it certain things we learned along the way? Here, I try to uncover the whys and hows of a relationship I formed with someone, that left me confused as to how he saw things and who I possibly am in his perspective.

If there is one thing I appreciate the most in any conversation or relations, it is the substance or meaning in it. Looking back in my time at the community college I attended, I formed several different relationships with the people I met; some were plain acquaintances, others became my closest friends, and some even more than that. However, it is the people I kept the closest who I found to have the most meaningful relationships with, and you can count them in one hand. It seems a bit unfair, you may think, but I don’t see any reasons why I should maintain so many relationships equally. I value substance. Therefore, I’d rather have a selected and valued few over meaningless thousands. And when I do choose to interact with you closely, I hope you take it with a grain of salt. I do not easily give time to people I don’t find worthy of spending my time with. I am very selective with the things I do with certain people, as well. I do not do something that is deemed special with my acquaintances; I always base it on our level of connection. I would not do it just for the sake of doing it. It has to have meaning. That’s who I am. I strongly believe that if someone does the same things for everyone, it is not only fair, but also, that “fairness” has taken away its meaning, it’s definition. I believe that it is not about “just doing what you feel like doing at the moment”. Rather, it is how and when you choose to do something with who, that gives it its meaning.

There is this lad I met at my community college. I thought he was so dreamy. I did not know him, and I don’t think that I actually got to know him at all over the time we spent talking. But one thing I know about him is he seemed to also love meaningful conversations, like I do. I think that, initially, this is what set off our endless and fun conversations. However, the conflict occurred when I could not tell whether he finds our conversations too meaningful that he starts backing out a bit, or shallow, that he looks for more meaning. I could not always please him,or anyone. Being myself, I would have asked for clarification, but to his age, I am not sure how he is going to take that question—“do you think our conversations are meaningless”. And to me, asking so would make me feel so insecure. I allowed more time for us to talk, so maybe I’ll gauge what our written communication means in different lights. Still, I could not tell if I was being an idiot, or if he was just difficult to read. I did not like the feeling of being unsure, especially considering the amount of time I have chosen to spend with him. Yet, I liked him. So, I tried to be more considerate, but I was no longer sure whether I was overthinking things, or maybe he was just sending a message that’s supposedly loud and clear, yet I was not getting.

Later, I initiated most of our conversations. For some reasons, it started to dwindle, until I felt like I was the only who was actually interested on keeping it going. I did not understand why, since it was burning in the beginning. Somehow, it has lost meaning. I did not like the feeling of being the only one who’s interested because it makes me seem desperate. Despair would be the last thing I’ll want in a relationship. It breeds discontent and unfairness, and unless you are one selfless person who has unlimited love and energy, unlike me, by all means, do what floats your boat, but that’ll mean I am done, no matter how I stay connected. In my head, I am only trying to analyze that social disaster, in order to clarify who did what and why. That’s just how I learn from my relationships.

To be honest, I had the part of being this person who lingered for life. I am not sure why I did not want to step out sooner. All I could think of is that I don’t want to be blamed in the future as the one who got away. I also think that he likes to string me along, and I am not sure if he is also doing it for the same reason. So, how do we end this with very minimal tension?

I honestly hoped that we would reconnect after quite a disconnection. However, when we did, I learned that he has given his heart to someone else. Even after I learned it, I was still lost on what our “talking” meant to him. To me, it was such a meaningful connection. Did I say something that pushed his buttons, or that he thinks would not be healthy for him? Maybe? Regardless, I know for sure that at that moment, even if I admittedly had issues, I was not hiding my true self. I was expressing my loud, over-enthusiastic, and genuine self. To this, he would probably agree that I should, and I would even without anyone saying. And it is possible that he withdrew after knowing who I really am, and toned down the enthusiasm he used to show, so that I would notice that it’s a no go.

Is that right? I don’t know. It will always be easy for people to say otherwise, to manipulate you, but whatever his reason is, I think that I deserved more respect than just being abandoned. He basically chose one of us, and one of us could have experienced the same disrespect by making that choice. It turns out, that “one” was me. I could not fully put the blame on him because it takes two to tango. He did not push himself to me but he also did not say anything to make legitimacy. If I ever blame him, I’m sure he would convince you that he didn’t say anything, although he obviously led me on. I rode, so, that makes two.

Let’s just say that we were really “just friends”. Then, nothing should change with the way we talk to each other. However, he obviously changed because he no longer acknowledges the things I say when I express my concern for him. He seems to be playing safe by just appreciating it but he stopped commenting on them like he used to. I personally just stopped because it was starting to make me look dumb. But then, the act of stopping means changing our relationship with each other. Why was that necessary when there really was never anything between us but friendship? Why do things need to be toned down? I loved him for who he was, but I was brought to a point when I could not walk away until I am completely sick of him that there is no chance for the slightest reconciliation. I don’t think disrespect is forgivable, and if you are a good person with substance, you must recognize yourself making that mistake and acknowledge what you have done. Convincing people that it was their mistake can only go a long way, but none of us is getting any younger. At some point in the future, he should stop doing that, and leading on then hurting people, and polluting his mind and emotions. It will also take a toll on him. It is not right to run away from your shortcomings and allow other people’s assumptions to fill in the gap. It shows that you have not learned how to be responsible for the things that you chose to begin. It is not only unfair to those involved but it also produces unpleasant results such as doubts, confusion, and contempt. Would you imagine if someone did the same thing to you? I don’t think you’d like it. I strongly believe that we must all socialize responsibly, be considerate of the people involved, and not only your personal mental and emotional being. You probably did not do it on purpose, but regardless of your choice, that is its concrete effect. Face what’s in front of you and never leave lose ends untied. I am not being “toxic” by bottling this up from him. I am simply stating the facts and I do not see any reason why I should further humiliate myself from someone who chooses to not admit anything and not talk about anything, when clearly there are things that should have been said and done.

Say you didn’t have to pay for them, since you can get them for free in some other way. However, during those moments, even without an actual human being sales talking in front of you, or being shown visuals of any sort, they have pawned your time, your mind, and your daily accomplishments. They have convinced you that “it won’t hurt to loosen up occasionally, “spend a little time off”, and all those sort of convincing phrases you repeat to yourself over and over until you're soaked to them and have forgotten where else to look at. And there, you pay the game every single minute you spend playing, which you could have used for sorting out your days and knots in your life that have been keeping you addicted to such pleasures that keep you problem-free even for “just a while”.

As you play, together with other players around the world, statistics will show the fraction of the world that are willing to spend hours keeping them on top of the line. Effortlessly, they gain and you lose. But of course, you don’t think that way. You had fun, right? Alright, let’s forget about those things you missed. “Whatever things come and go. Who wouldn’t rather have fun for five hours, than in agony for an hour?” Sound enough. During those moments, did you think about what you could have done with those times? If you had, why have you kept yourself revolving around the same routine unconsciously? Were you not supposed to be in control of your habits? It was okay until you have realized how much time you are losing because of it. Sometimes you can’t even say “no” to pressure-filled invitations, that it bothers you a lot because you know you shouldn’t be doing it but you have gotten into it. One step and you just do it without consciously asking yourself why. Somehow, you come to a point when you expect to get something more than you have put into something, and that’s when you regret lacking careful consideration for the importance of time and management thereof. The time you spend for those games is like a penny you’ll see along the road, or the change you get from the store, the ones you leave in your denim pockets, because they didn’t cost like that of a quarter. As the saying goes, “a quarter is worth more than twenty-five pennies”. However they’re just equal and are both twenty-five cents in value. I think that’s the matter that doesn’t arrive to many people. It seems like they think they know it, but it doesn’t reflect in their outputs. I guess their convincing powers work so well on them, however foolish. We could spend hours enumerating the major and peripheral factors to decision-making, but considering this single factor, by itself or relative to another, weighs as much as considering other factors, alibis rather. And if you put together all the time or the pennies that went nowhere, that didn’t do anything to build your platform, only then will you realize their value. Only then will it raise awareness within yourself to be more responsible. Only then will reality’s contradiction appeal more to you as true. It’s like a ripple in the water, a domino effect, compounding interest. There is no reason to be surprised. It’s a chain reaction. You can’t reap what you didn’t sow. Let’s be real. That’s just something to think about. Countless are the things that go by unnoticed, things that we either choose not to see, or find out. But take these things out of the equation and let’s see what math could help an imaginary solution. What, if it could not exist? 

There are times when I find myself completely blank and still, as if everything that’s going on around me and in me has stopped for a moment. Perhaps it’s one of those moments when you come to your senses; when you probably realize the things that are in front of you, the things that are not. Perhaps it is seeing a situation in another way-- “what did it use to be back when this didn’t exist?”, “what if this and that were not even there? What could have been done?”, “What do you think could this certain person have done about it?”, “Is there anything that could have been done better aside from just doing it?”. And then it feels like the only thing you hear is the pace of your heartbeat, while you scan your head and stare blankly nowhere, pulling out a long string from your head to come up with something that makes sense. These moments have helped me see things better, make better choices, and better decisions as I went through life.

I thought if you’re not considering every possible angle of the situation, it’s like throwing away the best part of the apple. It depends on which you see as best, but whatever it is, it’s what’s going to waste. It’s like living a life less examined, and just waiting for the apple to fall from the tree. And it doesn’t make sense repeating such history. So be the change. 

Some people may have gone over this stage long before, and have grown up living it, are now running like big dogs and putting bigger bones on the top of their lists. Some, may still be struggling to pinpoint which habits’ ripples don't turn into good waves. 

It not only applies to crisis management, but to innovations too. If you look back 

As I wrote this, I caught myself with the idea, and became alert about the following scenes my mind would be chronicling while I focused on this certain idea. I felt like I’m on top of the lighthouse, spinning 360° (this itself was a stray thought). Then I realized how quickly I have socialized with the belief system of this self-help writer, and applied his philosophy to my day-to-day living. It made sense to me and it was helpful after 3-day trial, so I’ve set my mind to it, and now it’s just automatic. At first I thought if I get too relaxed, I might get too comfortable with it and it may cause some setbacks in the future (anxious thoughts at their finest). That was when my mind used to rule over me, when I used to worry. But every time I think of something that’s starting to worry me, I pause, and catch myself doing it again, then I just stop because I become suddenly aware of what my brain was secretly doing. That relaxed me as a result. And for many times I’ve encountered this in different situations, it has given me the benefit that I haven’t found in acquiring something I absolutely wanted from a given situation-- I felt peace of mind. It’s like the raging sea water has suddenly calmed and everything just seems much clearer. My colleagues, classmates, and even family sometimes asked if I were under the influence, because they are shaken by my calmness; They wondered why I just take everything so easy, to the point that my calmness becomes the subject of their discussion, because they probably find it too strange, much different from how I used to be. That completely turned my life around. When I was put in a position with so much responsibilities, I became too anxious that I made sloppy days on a weekly basis and just face palmed by Saturday. And I realized that I was focusing too much on the result, that I paid less attention to the here and now and what really needed to be done. Because of that, I became extremely unfriendly that some people left, and had been replaced, some just can’t get over with it and kept mentioning it everyday like it’s something new, others just think I had too much coffee. Nonetheless, I thought I must be doing something wrong. I stared blankly at the ceiling one night, and I couldn’t sleep because I needed to find it out as quickly as possible and do something about it, because I was no longer comfortable with its unproductive effect. Then I figured, there is something wrong with what I’m doing, and it’s my lack of attention to the present. I was detached to what was actually happening, and was attached to what was not. I began researching about anxiety and what may be of help. I was determined to try what was in the suggestions of some reliable articles-- stopped if it worried me more, kept if it was helpful, and sought for something more like it. I stumbled upon a book from the same author of the book my brother was reading and I thought “let’s give it a shot”. It was dragging at first because I thought it was repetitive and I know it was written that way to get into the reader’s head and get them in action. Believing was a choice, and so was committing. Later, I got an insight from it which I thought made sense: the more you resist the more painful it is. That’s what I always told our patients too, and that’s true for most struggles. And I thought I agreed because I found it true for me. The best lesson I picked from it was letting go of something that is not happening, and catching your mind when it starts telling you something that would cause you to worry. I thought anxiety is irrational, therefore it’s not real. 

You don’t necessarily have to analyze what your brain just did; You only have to be aware of what’s going on, and intercept it before the worse. If you think you get the hang of it, and you think it actually helps, why not? Done repeatedly, it has somehow became a religion, for few months now. In the long run, it became automatic. That means the more aware I was, the calmer I became, the more present I was, and the clearer I saw things that needed to be done. The result, the more I get done, and the better the outcomes. Now, because of the repeated positive rewards I got from practicing it, I decided to keep it for as long as it’s healthy.

Of course, I won’t let the day end without turning in my entry.

 Exactly a year ago, I’ve made a promise to myself to hit my 21 targets before I officially turn 22 (Those remain classified! Haha!) When I turned 21, things began to look differently— the clock ticked faster, days were longer, learning while earning was hard but paying bills was harder, things that overwhelmed me seemed simpler, and I felt stronger. There were times when my faith was shaken, but, as always, I am utterly grateful for the happenstances and people who unceasingly reminded me of the endpoint and gave reasons the keep holding on. You have defibrillated the spirit in me. When I turned 21, I can’t help but look at how far I’ve been and how far away I still am from my endpoint. I think about my self-set annual accomplishments before I turn 30. Looking back, I have recounted how I’ve spent the days given to me in the past year and realized that I have put so much time taking much-needed breaks, as a way of putting myself on top of the priority. But then again, I realized how fast time flew, and how much time went to those breaks that too little was accomplished (although my Chemistry professor always told me to give myself more credits). I have hit my 21 targets, even went beyond. What’s there to feel inadequate about? It turns out turning 21 was just a MF warm up. 


This past year has moulded me into a whole new person with added facets—Level 22.0 😁. There were things I learned to be more in control of—e.g., my own time, money, and decisions—and less in control of—e.g., other people’s time, money, and decisions 😅. Life seems plainer and simpler, although some things still perplex me. Just when I thought I’ve got LIFE figured out, life itself reminds me every second how much there’s still left to learn. Nonetheless, what matters is I am learning. I’d like to think a wise ass of myself at times; I learned to take advantage of free things in life when I needed them, and to let go when I didn’t. I’ve learned that giving things adequate time and space will give them the chance to grow and fill their places in your life. Have fun. Take chances. Be bold. Collect experiences. Learn things. Take it easy. Move on. Ride on. Listen more. Save up. Cherish moments. Commit to something. And many more..

At this point in my life, nothing is more important than a roof over my head, food, transportation, personal progress, unceasing drive/willpower, academic progress, job stability and FREQUENT BREAKS (intentionally left upper case for added intensity). Since time is controlling every aspect of my life, I have to learn how to deal with it wisely. Of course things don’t always go as planned, but I try my best as much as possible. Every time a change happens in my life, my priorities always get reshuffled according to their timeframe of completion. Once in a while, I step out to let the illumination of the sun reach the most sequestered parts of my body and soul, and to feel a little human and realize that the world does not only revolve around the classroom and the office’s corners, that there is more to life than grades and paychecks, that there are a million other worlds out there to explore and discover.

Never underestimate the power of frequent breaks for this is how you’ll see yourself in the life you are working hard for. And in my opinion, it’s better to have a picture of it in progress while you are in the process of working for it, for these external stimuli propel you forward, just a little harder.

When I learn new things from someone, be it old and wise, or young and wild, I always make it a point to thank them, for those little pieces of wisdom are the ones that make an impact in my way of life. External influence play a huge part of my growth as a person. A couple of years back, people knew me to have always been cold, but only because that was all I felt comfortable doing. That was me protecting myself from the emotional saturation of empathy—be it profound or superficial. As I grew through experiences, I learned to intentionally make myself more uncomfortable and let people into my life at a certain degree, depending on how well we Bluetooth, but only because I’m curious about what you have to offer; I’m hungry to learn and make myself better. I even learned to be more comfortable speaking to strangers when I just feel like it. And by doing so, I opened my eyes to countless things I’ve never seen, heard of, and experienced before. And through that, I learned nuggets of wisdom that gave me a leverage to situations and helped mould me to whatever I have become now.

As I turn 22, my dreams and aspirations become more and more narrow and specific. If back then I will try to take as much as I can, knowing I’m still young and free and yet to learn from those that I wanted to do (well, I’m still young even now), now I only have few specific things I want to accomplish at least before I turn another year older. No more 21 targets. However, frustrations will never get old. Even if my old ones have ceased from overcoming them, new ones have risen from my aspirations. Traveling has taught me to step out into the unknown and uncertain in many different ways, and it has motivated me to better myself at the same time. I learned how to make my own food and get myself at least 80% Paleo for the past 3 months now, and lost over ~23 lbs. recently (from 148lbs. to 125lbs.) from working out despite my hectic schedule. This is in preparation for a much awaited out-of-the-country vacation—one of my 21 targets). And I consider this as one of my biggest personal achievements. As you could tell, I easily get engaged when I’m truly interested, and that's the best time to hone any skill I need for it. Talk about being good in the kitchen. Cooking is something I’ve learned to let go of when I started working while going to school at the same time. Now, I am trying to restore this skill to my attributes, so when time comes I have to host for a party, my kitchen skills will be ready. That’s just one but there's a top secret list of frustrations you don't need to know.

Am I supposed to be playing melodies with my orchestra right now, or something? Aren’t we? This day scares me; There’s no rush, nothing to fix– nothing. *Sighs* It feels nothing more like the most anal and banal day running over again. This agitates me; makes me uneasy. I feel like a useless statue in front of a justice hall. And I can’t think of something else that makes more sense than doing things that actually add up, and make waves. I ought this day to make more sense than just handing myself a challenge, because it doesn’t make sense when all I can think of are things that I’ve already done. It’s like painting the same portrait over again– there is no point. Unless I’d like some mods, I could use them, but I’m not into experimenting at the moment. 

I could read and read a book all night and see if I could get something helpful from it, but how the hell are you supposed to fix something you don’t know nor even understand? That’s violating the laws of scientific approach. Well, that approach has no laws to be violated, but being scientific is enough to justify its reliability. So jumping into conclusions, rather, no matter how much you’d like to take that subway, ain’t gonna give answers to the problem. It’s like arguing something through Wikipedia, or Steve Harvey– you can’t trust it. Save the leg work and take the right path.

I don’t know exactly what is going on, but I was supposed to be doing something more than the things I did today. I was busy, but only physically. It felt like all I did was do those things I just had to finish doing. It was like my head didn’t intervene at all to doubt or question, until at this moment, when things started to get odd. Did my critiquing go off too late for today? I don’t remember if there were anything else that needed to be done with those, but if there were, I would have found it necessary and should have done something about them. I couldn’t remember if there were any. How could you argue something you have no recall of? Whatever it is, this would still mostly be me. Were I elsewhere and paid no attention to the things I did today, like a bullet I fired which now ricochets to me? Well, does it matter? There is no truth, truth depends on what one perceives to fit one’s own reality. In my case, I believe this is just me, not paying attention, and dawdling like someone strange to me.

What else could this all be, but hypothetical? I don’t know what could have triggered it, if any, or made me go neutral during the day. The answer is just there. I could be hardly searching, or I could be seeing but not looking. If that’s the case, why would I not? Is my head elsewhere? Well, yes, this could be a ripple from a setback, but that’s over, and that couldn’t be all. There’s got to be other factors that led to this.

My question is, does it really exist, or is it just me thinking about all these and making them up?

Meanwhile, I made a little research just to give myself an idea what this could be. I figured, this could also be clinical. I know I’m not qualified to make clinical diagnoses of myself, but I couldn’t be in denial, nor would I put myself into some shaky assumptions which will only lead to folds that did not exist in the first place. 

I’m occupying myself with school work as part of tomorrow, but I already know what to do with those. After that, I should be doing sth. Is it the things, or is it just me, telling myself that this day didn’t go quite well with my expectations? Right, this is a big problem and it’s starting to pique me. I’ll do my best to find out what it is, and see where to proceed about it, so next time it won’t seem strange and novel. Or, I will see if it will still be there after I dismiss it tonight and wake up tomorrow with brand new eyes, and leave it in the back of my head, because running the day with BNE could trace the patterns that the other pair that’s gone too deep cannot detect. I like looking at things from afar and staying there.

I’d like to convert this time into something useful, by examining the things that went unnoticed first hand, and navigating through points and checking where I missed, why and how.

The devil loves time less examine, indeed. Time is all we have in our hands, yet the things we do with it remains largely relative, and that’s what puts it in our hands. 

Leash it, D. You got this. Of course, we’d all like to see what happens if we keep our heads up and endure this slippery road. It’s just another thing that won’t last for long. It blew your lid off, and had part of you evaporating, but you remained intact, and that’s what matters. The rest is renewable. Come on, we’re old pros on this one. Like it’s something new? It’s just disguised as unfamiliar but it’s technically just like any challenge we take–an obstacle, a hurdle. Why be surprised? Don’t let this instance shake you that bad. It’s good to recognize it, but not to dwell on it. Get back to the surface. It’s just one boring day, there are a lot more days to come that you could make better than this! Don’t box yourself in the corner you don’t belong in; It’s pointless and absurd. You think it’ll help? Look how you’re only decreasing the value of the day the longer you stay. Come on out. It’s okay. Get your dry-erase pen and scribble on the board. Tomorrow won’t wait, you have to get it straight. You better make something out of this, D. Time to retire. It’s handled. Get over it.

It’s been foreign to me looking all the way back at what I’ve once done to scrutinize them. There’s just too little time to do so, hence I quickly pick what’s necessary, leave things behind, and focus on where to go. It’s very unusual, yet tonight it intrigues me so bad that I had to put it into words, so I myself would understand.

Yesterday and today, I’ve been far too blunt. I didn’t notice it first hand. It would be hard to see through that corner, especially if it’s not your best place to walk in, but I just knew from the way it has affected the outcome that there must be something going on in there. I was beyond self-absorbed and was completely oblivious about others, and their emotions. However, I’d like to make them realize that with it on our sleeves, we are hindering the possibility to do our best. Nonetheless this is not about me. Once and for all, I’d like to express my apologies for what I’ve done, because I know that no matter how dysfunctioned they were, they manage to keep their heads in the game, forget about me and themselves, and just mind about their businesses, because they have reasons that are shades away from my vision. And they would have to endure that minor burst of disappointment like nothing happened. I was disappointed too, we all were. But see how it leads nowhere. I guess I have been like a beast unleashed who ripped off every crop in the farm for everyone to hunger. And for whatever I’ve done to make them feel that way, I am deeply sorry.

I always like to remind everyone what we are trying to accomplish, so each will get a quality sense of why we’re doing what we’re doing, why some things might happen in the future even when they least expect, even without having to remind them or warn them, or explain to them. Sharp turns, you gotta get used to them, they will be there everyday. A common vision is what I hope everyone will let in themselves sink in. We are not dipping our toes in the shore, son, we are on a quest and we’re sailing the ship on the mad sea. I guess many would be oblivious to that especially when they get worn by what they do. You can always try to work on people, show them the good in what you want, but in the end, they may have listened to you, however they lack day-by-day steadfast with their “aye”. While I get on fire with others, they burnout. Just like that. However, I am hoping that this will be the only time for this to happen. Once is enough. I don’t find the necessity for any of this to repeat to be well established. In the name of clarification, I hope all the energy I’ve spent on this will go somewhere it’s needed.

I know it will ramify a multitude of negative things and maybe flip 1-0 coins about me but, I’d rather accept it with whole honesty, to myself, to the people whose feelings I’ve stepped on, and to others who find it offensive, than wave a flag as if nothing happened and pretend that things are going well when obviously they weren’t--that's pointless. I don’t want to get stuck being the person who can’t take responsibility of her own actions when it shook the waters and moved plates. It seems like the surroundings were the same. Like, there’s nothing to worry about, but reality shows everything has changed. So I’ll take that into account with the intentions and actions of reversing it. It didn’t happen as quick as it’s ruined, but it has started and it will very soon revert to normal. You can’t mend back a leaf that’s been ripped off but you can nurture other plants with it. Now this issue will stay behind and will serve as a lesson to me and to other people who will find this article of therapeutic value.

The beast teaches you to be responsible even if it would mean being unleashed to ruin things that have always been intact. You hold the leash, therefore you decide when to unleash it and when not to. If forward doesn’t work, step back a little, then maybe by doing so, you will acquire a better momentum that will bring you out of the corner and farther into where things are clearer.

We all come to a point in our lives where we make important decisions. And before that decision is made, we consider factors that may or may not affect the decision we are trying to make, one way or another.

As we move from life’s phases, life introduces us everything it encompasses, every single thing you can and can’t imagine. And while we experience all these or not, we figure out where we gravitate towards the most. At some points, we’ll gravitate to something that appeals to us the most. On the other hand, we seek to find the hidden, behind all these decorated items that life commonly displays. In a store, it’s like looking for something that is not on the shelves, just because you know they have it, and they just won’t show everyone or even tell about it.

According to cosmologists, only about 5% of the universe is visible or observable to living organisms--what we call “normal” matter. While the remaining 95% is composed of 26.8% dark matter and 68.3% dark energy. Dark matter is anything that cannot be observed. While we know the figures, it remains to be an important mystery. More is unknown than is known. According to NASA, “since it is a such a small fraction of all the matters in the universe, maybe it shouldn’t be called ”normal” at all.” Well, maybe they’re right. But maybe they’re wrong too. In the alternate universe, where majority of the population is LGBT, and straight people belong to the minority, who would likely get bullied in youths? The probability of bullying in the minority group-- which majority of us have been brought up and commonly trained of thinking as “normal” in the real world-- will be so much higher because they tend to stand out in the scheme of the normals However, in the back of their head, they tend to see themselves as normal, and they would not normally understand why they’re being bullied for what they are. But a larger group, probably with a stronger force, is trying to tell them where to fall in life, as if trying to drag them down, lower their esteem, and in the long run make them assume they don’t belong as much as the other normals do. In short, it’s sort of a binary world, but the larger group tend to take over the whole world because they are greater in number and they assume their superiority and “normality” over the minority.

Same is true with the 5% “normal” matter where we belong, where we exist; What if the 95% is more normal to another entity which we are not exposed to? Isn’t that the reason why we have NASA--to uncover and unravel the piquing mysteries of the world? And, isn’t the reason why it still exists, and continues to solve the universe’s mysteries because there is actually something to solve or uncover? Heisenberg's uncertainty principle states that “it is impossible to know the exact frequency and the exact time of occurrence of this frequency in a signal”. What if the small fraction of the universe we belong to is not at all “normal”, considering that the Earth already exists for roughly 1.5-1.6 billion years and the modern form of humans evolved about 200,000 years ago? Life is, indeed, mysterious. It is impossible to go over history very thoroughly, not even its surface. Truth is boring. You may check the inner and outer surfaces of the Earth, or navigate its entirety, but you can’t crack the universe’s code at one look. However, it’s just there, many of us just fail to notice. You don’t have to swim back through history or the Earth’s domain. If you know where to look at, everything will suddenly fall into perspective. In combinatorics, they often consider the angle of observation. In cosmology, and even in different field of science, there are often bumps on the surface, which could be very boggling to scientists, but which are very interesting at the same time. However, we must not be tricked by the existence of these bumps as “beautiful disasters” or “errors” in the smooth surface, as they may be disguised clues to understanding the mysteries of the universe. If we know how and where to look, we might see the intentional flaws of the universe, the hidden messages behind the heavenly galaxy, and how they fit into the picture. It may even turn out that they are crucial part of the equation. Hence, they’re not merely flaws or fallacies. They’re bound to happen for us to see.

Once we have confirmed that it is possible to attain something, we begin to lay out the steps to attaining it. Perhaps now that we see something valuable to it and capable of improvement. It suddenly converts into our heads as an ineliminable factor in the equation.

The period before you act upon it, however, may allow many various things to take place into your life, steal the spotlight, and such gushes of wind may cause you to change your boat’s direction from a foot, deviating to miles. And unless you have noticed the movement, your boat would continue to sail the path it is currently facing. But if you’re quick to act, you can set your boat back on track and pursue the destination as primarily set. 

We don’t control the events that may take place in our lives. And even if we can, even if we are aware that something will take place sooner or later, we can’t keep track of them all the time and stop the world from happening, avoid things from being. That’s why we just prepare ourselves how to handle such situations when they arise. And when they do, that’s when we take control. That’s when we decide whether we are going to let this affect us or not, how, and why. 

Basically, every event that take place in our lives are just bunches of phenomena, maybe even natural. They’re like grains of sand, pebbles, boulders. And unless they’re used to make hollow blocks, they won’t be part of skyscrapers. But based on the way we react to them, we choose whether they just become events or something more useful. 

It’s like hydrogen and oxygen. Say we are oxygen, and we, by ourselves, can stand alone as a major necessity to support life. The events that take place in our life is the hydrogen, only useful when chemically bound with another element. Until oxygen reacts with hydrogen, forming H2O as a result--a substance as fundamental to life as oxygen. Oxygen now made something valuable, which unless it has reacted with hydrogen, the product remains to be inexistent.

While we react with the hydrogen in our lives, we have to ask ourselves simple questions: Do they matter? If so, how would these help me? If not, well, that’s impossible, they help clear out the unnecessary variables. They can be a test or a tool, depending on how you choose to deal with them.

Every year is a time to plan for the following. Once the year begins, there’s no time to waste. You have 365 days. In fact, it’s short. Ironic, isn’t it, for your plans to plan for another plan.

365 days is but a short time when you have everything going as planned. It's like being given 2-3 minutes to provide a proof that humans never made it to the moon, but if you have your facts, and you know what you want to say, you'll nail it just in time, without catching your breath. Your activities will go by seasons, so will your days. On the other hand, if things are going south and you feel like your time is going to waste, or the days grow longer, don’t be sad or mad. Instead, take all this time you could have to lie low and step back a little farther for you to see what part went wrong. You’ll realize your time didn’t go to waste at all. Productivity doesn’t always mean something has to show to say you’re doing something. Sometimes we wanna show that we have a great deal to do, just to say that we’re doing something with the time we have. But looking closer, there’s no production in it; there’s no achievement; it’s just an empty routine, habit, or activity–a trick we’d like to play to make us think that we’re using our time to cross something out of the list or get some results. But what are we actually getting? What do we have in our heads when we do something that’s not going anywhere? It’s not like spending leisure time; Leisure is meant to not think about anything that has to do with productivity. In fact, it has to be the by-product of your time spent producing. And it’s supposed to mean that you’re doing it because you’ve hit your annual, monthly, or weekly target or goal. You’re not just doing it for the heck, to top off your credit loans, or close your business just because. That’s counterproductive. If you don’t feel very comfortable about it, it means you gotta be elsewhere. If you feel burdened by what you do–work or vacation–there’s got to be something wrong–it’s not the time. You probably are not paying attention to something that’s been calling you in the back of your head. You probably are not following the steps in the plan. Whatever it is, you’re missing something.

However, you don’t have to feel inadequate. We all want freedom anyway. We all want comfortable breaks and a problem-free occasions. But it is important to keep in mind that to be genuinely problem free, things must be done properly. Progress take place by phase. Like how a slow-pacing caterpillar transforms into a beautiful butterfly. There are certain processes and phases that must take place before it reaches its final stage, and number of ways it can be scienced and carried out. Sometimes it’s catastrophic, but as long as it’s alive, the process continues and life goes on.

Our years begin in different days of the year. In smaller scale, some of us even begin our weeks on Friday or days other than Monday. Similarly, some begin their years on September, or any season of the year. Whatever it is, our time is limited; our days are numbered. Before the next cycle begins, it is best that we know where we’ll be spending those times for, the things we’d like to get from it, or see by the end of the period. It doesn’t matter what you do or how you do it. It is the results that’ll tell how well those days were spent.

Make room for breaks, more than the room you make for duties and obligations. Weigh them properly and place them where they fit perfectly. If they don’t fit well, that’s okay, the time you’ll spend will tell where they fit best. It may be easy to say but hard to do when there are bills to pay, or when your work demands more than common. But try to get your kind of “time out” once in a while and you’ll thank yourself for a new perspective. Know what you want, and don’t worry too much. Know that failure is alright and will tell you how to do better next time. If you’re a bit short, don’t worry, you did what you can, but always remember that you’re better than that, and what better if you give your best shot some other time, at least for once. There’s always another chance to those who look forward, who strive to gradually be better, who keep their heads up and believe in the number of ways to get in the place they want to be in. You may fail a thousand times, but so long as there is passion and perseverance in you, you have what it takes to be the best you can be. Take the time you need to arrange and make plan Bs. Iron things out. Make everything seem doable. Take steps and just do it. And if possible, have fun in the process.

 To kill a fire, you must deprive it of oxygen. To forget something, you fill yourself in with something different. Every person has desires, and they vary widely. It’s just a matter of preference, however. Still, deep inside each person is a longing for something, and a strong feeling of acquiring something they’ve been wanting. We’d love to chase that desire, we’d love caressing it in our hands, so we try every possible measure to get closer and closer to it and to catch it. While it is still away from our hands, what only exists is desire itself; that’s what motivates us, that’s what makes us defy the impossible. Of course, nothing is impossible when you desire something: You want pancakes? You’ll make pancakes whatever it takes. You want to go somewhere? You’ll accomplish every doable steps that’ll make it possible to bring you there. You wanna know how to do something? You’ll make an effort to learn and try it on your own. Otherwise, it’s just wishful thinking, to want something and not act upon it. Plain “wish”, like what kids are taught in school. Of course, that’s a way to encourage them to arrive at what they want to make out of life, or how they’ll make a living of their own. For adults, however, we’re supposed to be far beyond that stage, and taking steps toward what we want in life.  It is hard to have fun midday when you already have the day’s schedule of activities. Sure you may enjoy in the process of doing, but it has to match your accomplishments. If you have too much fun, you might realize that might be the thing that’s gonna make you happy, forget about what you used to want because you’ve found your happiness. Focus is very crucial when you really see something incorporated in your future. Otherwise, things will begin to go everywhere like a plane losing one wing. After that, you’ll begin to question yourself whether you’ve made the right choice or not, whether you did enough or not. Then the happiness you’ve found begins to lose its meaning, you get numb to it and forget what’s there is to it. It’ll feel so hard. You then become sensitive to voices and begin to consider what they’re telling you, because the way you used to trust yourself has slowly began to fade and perish, that you no longer listen to what your gut tells you to do next. It might be that the only thing you could hear is the word “panic”, so loud that it smothers what your inner voice tries to tell you. You even begin to think it’s dead. In desperate measure, you begin to trust external voices, what others have been telling you, what others would have told you if they knew. You suddenly are on the dead end, don’t see the way out. So you let them in, and just allow them to convince you. They don’t even have to, because you are desperately willing to listen and try.

Now there’s a system override. By the time you’ve considered it might be best to do what you’ve been told, you begin to calm down and think more clearly. When you think you’re ready for the new idea, your inner voice kicks in and reminds you about the plan, what solution it has suited for the plan. That’s also true. You may have been introduced a new solution, a way out rather, but it might not go according to plans. If so, you’d be forced to change plans and you’ll start with another brand new slate. Oh wait a second. You were almost there with the original plan, why change it? It’s very kind and bold to have listened to other voices, especially when you’re filled with fear, confused, lost, and almost calling the game, but if there’s a teeny tiny possibility that your inner voice might kick in, let it kick it, do what you think will bring it back with you. Not only will it tell you you're going the wrong way, but it’ll also bring you back on track, immediately. By listening to it, you are suddenly reminded of why you're doing those things or the steps you follow. You might feel some guilt, but you’ll have to let go of Plan B and go back to The Plan, because that’s the only way to go. You’re back together, and you must get going and move forward because time awaits no one.

Oh, the things we’ll do and things that might not happen accordingly.

Meanwhile, you get closer and closer to acquiring your subject each time. At the same time, your attitude towards it begins to get distorted; the colors it used to have begin to lift; but you don’t mind, it looks the same, nothing has changed. Your excitement can’t be contained due to the fact that after a long way you’re finally just a step away, and things you want to do when you have it begin to fill your mind. Now it’s all you see and think of. Before you know it, you’re already holding it. In the first few moments, you are filled with overflowing happiness and heavy sighs of relief. The colors of your desire are still flying, dancing, but are soon waning. Like a bottle of wine you’ve been keeping for so long, you begin to think in the back of your head if it’s still any good. On the other end, you begin to construct new ideas, new plans, you begin to think about what’s next? That’s the time the spark of the moment dies. It then gives birth to another desire.

As humans, we keep craving for one thing after the other. We keep wanting something. It may be because we have the desire to catch some fresh air, experience something we haven’t before, have something to call an achievement, and the list goes on. Once you acquire what you want, it is no longer as desirable. It disappears like bubbles causing shuffled troubles that meddle on your daily living. You realize that it’s nothing better than the picture you used to have of it.

The odds won’t always be in our favor. However, you should know that whatever is in front of you is there because you wanted it to be there. You can’t just say you don’t have time for it, or you’re no longer interested in it, when before, all you have ever wanted was it. You have to know its gravity, and how much impact this could possibly make on you. You should know that things don’t always appear the same way you see them when they were distant and when they are close. That’s your moment of truth, and that in its sense is very crucial, because when the time comes that you get close to it and have it in your hands, it offers no returns or 30-day trial. You could tell other people your experience about it and try to sell it, but you’ll end up with guns firing back: that was you in the first place. It doesn’t make its way to you, you bring it to you.

'Tis better to be vile, than vile esteemed, When not to be, receives reproach of being, And the just pleasure lost which is so deemed Not by our feeling, but by others' seeing: For why should others' false adulterate eyes Give salutation to my sportive blood? Or on my frailties why are frailer spies, Which in their wills count bad what I think good? No; -- I am that I am, and they that level At my abuses reckon up their own: I may be straight, though they themselves be bevel; By their rank thoughts my deeds must not be shown;   Unless this general evil they maintain,   All men are bad, and in their badness reign. 

There's a race of men that don't fit in, A race that can't stay still; So they break the hearts of kith and kin, And they roam the world at will. They range the field and they rove the flood, And they climb the mountain's crest; Theirs is the curse of the gypsy blood, And they don't know how to rest.

If they just went straight they might go far; They are strong and brave and true; But they're always tired of the things that are, And they want the strange and new. They say: "Could I find my proper groove, What a deep mark I would make!" So they chop and change, and each fresh move Is only a fresh mistake.

And each forgets, as he strips and runs With a brilliant, fitful pace, It's the steady, quiet, plodding ones Who win in the lifelong race. And each forgets that his youth has fled, Forgets that his prime is past, Till he stands one day, with a hope that's dead, In the glare of the truth at last.

He has failed, he has failed; he has missed his chance; He has just done things by half. Life's been a jolly good joke on him, And now is the time to laugh. Ha, ha! He is one of the Legion Lost; He was never meant to win; He's a rolling stone, and it's bred in the bone; He's a man who won't fit in.

Confidently, people don’t get what makes my heart rate race, what puts me in a spinning chair, what gives me goosebumps, what kills my doubts, what impresses me, the reasons why a person deserves respect, and the things that give me a sense of accomplishment. No.

The main element in scaling a person’s character’s depth is the depth of how we perceive our own selves. Depth can be created though, if we override a primary rule involved.  We can choose to see blue and yellow in green, and therefore prove that we construct the depth.  Do you see the blue and yellow in green now?  If you look for it, you will see it. But we can also just see green alone, looking at nothing beneath or behind, or how and why it is what it is. Plain but sane. It is how we choose to see something that brings us up to the conclusions of our perception of others. If you are aware of the things that amount to your substance, you’ll tend to reckon, and in some cases, be convinced, that it’s what other people must also be. Arriving to the conclusion that whatever you see from others, that diverge from what you account to be customary, is to be declared “wrong”. Therefore, labeling it unethical, “bad,” perverse, sick, “wrong”, few of the most common labels to a contrarian like me, who prefers to see the gray in black and white. Before, back when I was confused with the current, when I was feeble-minded to what’s customary to others, or what others may view as “normal” or “standard,” I used to ask myself. Am I supposed to follow? Believe me, countless times I’ve tried, but I’ve never had anything to call an achievement after trying to follow the crowd. I didn’t find myself in there. It was an awful occasion. And I’ll always fail, because it is my nature to question and doubt the things that don’t seem to fit the holes I’ve ideally set by what I think things are supposed to be. Not that I find it necessary to make a collision with the things that don’t stand up to me, but that’s just how it ends up every single time. Eventually steering clear of anything or anyone that just don’t fit, of any flawed, unstable, insubstantial, or in short, unsound opinions. These don’t help at all. They even become a part of a mentally frail society. Why not leave if the door is open? And even if the door isn’t open, I would crack it open and if necessary, break it just to escape.  In the early days of becoming a protege of learning and life per se. Studying people and all things within that realm. That’s when I started getting that kind of enlightenment. The lines of distinction began rifting up like cracks on a white wall. Things are not that vague anymore. Then, although not quite, I don’t see things the same way as before, that reinforced my unbiased way of thinking. It showed me a clearer context of the society. How we’re just like animals in the zoo trying to be humans. How we’re all in the same game but totally different levels. Although not an expert, I could tell what’s there to look at behind and underneath a person’s reaction, opinion, or sets of beliefs, if anything. And I could tell that in some way, that takes me to a higher ground than where anyone may probably be.

The study of rockets is an excellent way for anyone to learn the basics of forces and the response of an object to external forces. In human words, it is an excellent way to be aware of your substance, of other people’s, and how others may see you. If you were to build a rocket, how would you want it to be? What would you want your systems to comprise? A rocket is nothing of a passenger plane, you can’t take anyone with you. So it’s just gonna be you. We can’t all take the same plane. And in your rocket, you wouldn’t want a self-destructive payload system. And you would want a well crafted structural system that will withstand external factors that might destroy your systems, an something that can go the distance. Last but not least, you would want a back-up rocket, just in case things go wrong.

In my case, the things that may give me the same emotion as a result as others would have, may be perceived as too far, too dark, too unusual. Not to say that I am unusual.—-Speaking of unusual, what makes something unusual so notable? Why does it seem like whenever people see something unusual, it brings to them a sense of unusual behavior, unlike the way they do to the things that they’d commonly encounter. Why do people make it much of a big deal when something new comes up, be it new people, or new events, or things? Why does it seem like they somehow lose it when something uncommon comes up? And in some cases, people would treat it “special.”  But if you’ll make a deeper scratch on the surface, you’ll realize how you’d feel if the same “unusual” thing took place over and over everyday and everywhere. You’ll get sick of it, you’ll be overwhelmed by it. It’ll be nothing different from the things you encounter on every day. Makes sense? So, I’m guessing, that’s the easiest way to convey my thoughts on things people find “unusual”, and as how it is widely accepted and believed, and the easiest way for many to appreciate the idea. We can always make something new.—— (Moving on) We may be compared by the resulting emotions that I and others may feel, but what it takes to bring me to that state is somehow obscure to many, widely held norms. If I were to make a venn diagram of the union of what makes me happy, what makes you happy, and what you think would make me happy, the point of intersection will be “nada”. Unless we have the same views, then maybe “nada” could possibly be “you probably hacked my laptop, my notes, and snuck a peak of my whiteboard, or you probably read this and kinda pretended, et cetera.”

Life is not all about one choice, best choice, or no choice. It’s all about having multiple choice (no pun intended). So if you think I’m going to the mall to go shopping, think again. I don’t know what you think I might do, but to be honest, they may be all be true. Are malls just made for shopping? No. When life gives you lemons, they probably don’t have avocados. So just sell those lemons and make a good profit to search for avocados and you better make a good profit out of all that.

The average lifespan of humans is only 66.1 years. Too short for somebody who still doesn’t know where to go at 30, for somebody who hasn’t made a significant difference at 40, or those who are yet getting away from life’s demanding practicality at 50, and cutting the ribbon towards accomplishment of the goals they have set for themselves at 60?

What makes your day different from the others’? What is something you can’t give up even at the end of the day? How long are the lists of tasks you have to accomplish even before the clock ticks at 10 in the morning? What’s this thing that is pushing you to organize the tasks you have to cross out tomorrow? What has been compelling you to do something new but you never seem to? Why have you not taken the opportunity when you had it all in front of you? It’s not about jumping off a building knowing nobody knew, and expecting a trampoline at the bottom.

What I’m saying is, actions have their consequences anyway. You may choose how you want to climb a mountain. But no matter how you’d want to get there, you still get to the end of the same line, because you know what’s in there, you have expected, or even planned it. Did you think it’ll make a difference if you have taken a chopper, or a wagon, or a zipline, to get there? After all, you, and all the other people climbing up, are ending up on the same point. Does it matter how you got there?

Making a difference is not about taking a selfie with the president of Turkey. It is shaking hands with him under the table, knowing that this is something you could use to hit three birds with one bullet. It doesn’t end with just following orders. It is knowing what goes after that.

Take available resources, take the steps that you would regret for not taking. For there are too few who realize the consequence of letting things go by, knowing these are the tickets to something they’ve always been wanting to happen. 

There are 365 days in a year. If time exists, and as it does to everyone in your environment, be practical with it. Learn how to live with it. Try something you have not tried every single day and see what it does. If it did well, then “bravo”. Nothing is big or small in trying, it’s a frequency you have to tune yourself up to. Don’t be afraid, whether it’s a big or small deviation. It will soon occur to you how much time you have in the future left to repeat and seize the things that have been useful to you in the earlier days. Perhaps it seems to have a little friction when you’re not accustomed to the things you have to do. But what’s wrong with trying? Trying solves the unresolved. Do try, but keep in mind why you’re doing it. Scientific inventions, the gadgets you’re using, the machines that you use for everyday, the elected politicians, the business establishments, the websites you rely on, the successful authors, the life hackers, wouldn’t have been there if not for it. 

Again, just like any other subject, it is a broad one, and must not be constricted into just one definition. It is somehow, the way we view this subject, that gives it its meaning. Our projections to it apply according to the way we think about it. Therefore, we may not be the same about how we are brought do that mode in our mind and the things that might be brought about when we are there. It is something variable. Therefore assessing ourselves in knowing what we want and how we want it done is crucial in this process. Once we know what we want to see, we’ll be able to make ways toward it, or improvise creative ways to do it. You just have to go with the flow once you’re there. In the end, despite anything, it’s promising and worth the try. Because what you once thought was impossible, is actually possible. And unlocking such achievement we once thought was unattainable, trains our minds to expect the same results through techniques of the like or possibly a new one. That then develops creative thinking positively.

Like how scientific approach begins, and how we began writing essays back in the days, we address the problem or conceive a question-usually an unresolved one, or something that we need to work on- that trance guides and connects us to our deeper selves. From then, creative expression can emerge from the authentic self, hence the subjectivity. Which may sometimes be in the case of daydreaming.

The noise of every day life makes it difficult to turn the chatter and stress off. It is especially difficult when we need to produce, when we need to access the creative corner in our mind. Music is a very good medium to set the spontaneous flow of ideas. To others, it is complete silence, solitude, exercise, starting with the messy scratch, and so on. It’s subjective. Our mind however is a palace if creativity per se. Only that, we have the small portion, of the whole place, where we need to connect ourselves with. We’ll know how to get there according to how we chose to organize our mind.

Ironically speaking, The more we try to be creative, the less we become. It is an inverse variation. Putting arduous effort on the idea of being creative puts a toll on the road and eliminates the freedom to create. Eventually questioning ourselves if there’s still one creative bone in our head. That’s kinda stressful, draining the energy out of you, yet ending up producing nothing.