Missing Link

I've never thought much about how I really just like playing sports simulations or city simulators as computer games. I do like other games, too. But for the most part, if I'm "gaming at all" it's almost always something that lets me build, create or reimagine.

As a kid, I used to read "choose your own adventure" novels, but I would almost always skip to the end and read the different realities, before choosing which story to find out whether I chose the right path. This is probably why I have such a hard time with watching TV shows that stress me out, if the storyline isn't engrossing and the acting isn't good enough to make me want to sit through the tension.

I don't mind dealing with pressure or stress really, but I don't like being startled for the sake of it, I don't enjoy horror and psychological thrillers are fine but only if there's a point to the mindfuck.

I realized that I spend time thinking a lot about the different "save points" in my own journey and how my life would be different had I zigged when I zagged or some thing else. I like thinking about the alternate scenarios, less because of regret, and more because I'm often astounded by how I managed to avoid the lasting traps that existed through my life through bad advice, a lack of understanding of constraints or being a victim of my own ambitions and not always being willing to be patient.

Lately, I find myself less inclined to get really deep into the design of these alternate stories. Maybe because what I really want is significant. I want the work I'm doing to matter to more than just me, and unlike when we were kids, nobody wants to listen to whatever random shit you've concocted in your spare time. I like escaping what's going on, and avoiding the feckless slowness of contemporary life and the leadership that ruins communities, but I also like existing in that world because it's where stuff happens.

Playing varied games where I can get engrossed in the stories of "what might have been" delights me. I can think about the fake baseball players I once managed like they really did play for me. I like thinking of the online games I've run over the decades, but I usually downplay that stuff because it didn't feel serious enough.

As I get older, I'm starting to realize that if I don't take control of my own story, no one else will do it for me. Even well-intentioned folks will sometimes amplify the parts of your story they find interesting, but maybe isn't as interesting to you. While it's cool I have this whole Finland thing, I don't really like talking about it because it's a novelty and it feels silly in a world full of real people with real problems.

But as I’ve wrestled with this issue for such a long time, it’s been interesting to me how many people end up places due to work, relationships, kids, family, and then get stuck because it’s really hard to uproot your life and start over. 

Or you end up in this peripatetic existence where your only real ties are links to old places, with the people who’ve managed to persevere through the distance and time. Social media has helped this somewhat dramatically, but...it’s still difficult when you’re talking about making deeper connections.