Niall in the am

I feel like nothing is working out in my favor at the moment. I feel like I am a pendulum constantly swinging between what I very much want and I feel like is meant for me, what I was made for, and knowing and seeing the path there and knowing how to get there. compared to the other end where I am swinging right now. where I truly deep in my bones have no idea what I am doing. and I have no clue how to even get to half a step closer to where I want to go? And a part of me wants to bet it all on black and knowing there are a million bridges and doors to knock on and eventuelly someone will say yes and realize how brilliant I am, and together we will make my dreams come true. but I have no idea how to get there! And it seems like I am a hopeless romantic for ever believing I could get there. But I am also an optimist knowing that if I bet nothing nothing will definitely happen. and I know I am brave and audacious and I have always knowing deep in my bones, in my soul in my core whatever it is, that I have a thing and I have it, and I know what I want to do with it! And I have felt that this was my destiny all of my life, so even if I have no idea how to get there, and all I can see right now is the boulder, and it is not budging and maybe it will roll back down if I roll it up the mountain. but maybe I get to see the sun when im up there, and maybe it won't! Maybe I am meant for these amazing things that I have felt like were my destiny since I was a child! maybe my talent and hard work and bravery will be enough. and I gotta remind myself that I am only here to please and to impress myself and I can do what I want! because if I get rejected it is just a sign to try again, not to beat myself up! I am here to make mistakes and bet my all on something that might be objectively crazy. but what if it lands on black? what if I get a yes, from somewhere I dont expect? What if I get there? Or worse, I will wonder all my life if I would have gotten that yes instead of getting the no and taking it. I dont know when the next door will open, but that doesn't mean I should stop knocking!

I am so fucking salty and I need to get it off my chest. So I have been Struggling for a good while with having colds that wouldn't go away with a hoarse voice and so forth. I have been dutifully taking my astma medication. everything going so and so. I have been put on vocal rest I have withdraw socially because I am scared of getting a cold and so on. Only for yesterday to find out and today having confirmed by a pharmacist. one of the common side effects of my medication is hoarseness and irritation of the throat! I am beginning to develop pulyps because of my problems I have been so confused because I have never been healthier and it is like I have a cancer or something. and then I find this out! I am about to fucking rip a new asshole on the first doctor I see! I was even told I could get different medication without the hormone so I won't have the sideeffect but that shit has essentially ruined my life for the last year. What in the actual fuck??? and of course all of my doctors are on vacation till next week, but that is good because otherwise I might burn down their offices (I wouldn't but in my head I will!) I have been blaming myself and having the worst time of my life, only to find this out?? this is fucking bullshit!