MS Represented: Living with Multiple Sclerosis

by Alycia Bradley

I severely dislike the body I am in—some days.

I know I’m feeling weaker,

more fatigued as time passes.

I feel motivated in my mind,

but unable to accomplish most tasks in entirety—

and some, not at all.

I want to be physically stronger.

I yearn to clean my surroundings.

I crave to look presentable.

I aspire to be professional.

All goals that fall flat:

the build,

the aspiration,

the motivation,

the desire—

It tumbles

from a skyscraper

into a barren plain.

I am without.

Without hope.

Without anticipation.

Without excitement.

Without gain.

I am an empty vessel

once again.

No one to understand

or hold these feelings of emptiness

as I defeatedly surrender.

They say: My body. My choice.

But—

Introductions are always important. With that being said, allow me to remind you that I have not written a collegiate paper in many moons. I am simply writing to express what I am feeling at any given moment. Notice what I said? What I feel. I do not claim that everyone with MS feels this way or any of them for that matter. This is my journey and I want to share my experience. 

Now onto the good stuff:

My name is Irrelevant. (Unless you’re Ellen Degeneres or Will Ferrell) I am twenty-eight years old. (Which is 10,574 days as of today, but who’s counting?) I love my family. (And they love me no matter what you say!) I work full-time on a superb finance team. (Numbers are my favorite. Not like you could tell or anything.) With all of the blessings I have, there was bound to be a catch. You guessed it. My neighbor’s headboard keeping me awake all night. (Don’t worry. I solved that problem.) Alas, there was another complication that presented itself. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

For those of you who do not know what multiple sclerosis is, I have included the Oxford Dictionary definition.

They kinda nailed it, right? It makes it easier to understand if you’re taking it one step at a time. Multiple sclerosis is chronic and there is no cure. The disease quite literally destroys the myelin sheath covering the nerves. “But what is myelin sheath?” I’m so glad you asked. Below I have posted the MedlinePlus.gov definition:

The myelin sheath contains proteins that can be targeted by the immune system. Once the destruction starts in the central nervous system, the damage is irreversible according to mainstream science . Although studies have shown that exposure to specific thyroid hormones has regenerated the sheath. However, the side effects were considered “unacceptable” to the researchers. (Apparently no one asked the patients what they wanted.) Currently, I feel like a sitting duck. (Should I start quacking?) They would certainly find a cure for it then. Annoying ass “people ducks” walking around. “You think his waddling is bad, you should hear his quack!” (Using this for my stand-up comedy in the future. Seriously...Will Ferrell...)

Back to business.

You might be asking yourself, “What makes the lack of myelin sheath so bad?!” (Chill the hell out. I was getting there.) When this protective coating is destroyed or damaged, it is called a “lesion”. If you hear someone talking about a lesion, it’s just a grotesque term for the location where myelin was attacked. Lesions can develop on the brain, spinal cord, and the optic nerves. It may not sound like a lot, but these three areas control your ENTIRE body. I have included a picture below from Healthline.com. I know it’s hard to read on here. 

Here is the link if needed:

https://www.healthline.com/health/multiple-sclerosis/effects-on-the-body#2

After reading the list of symptoms, I knew I was suffering from multiple sclerosis years before I was diagnosed. It’s a pretty life-altering disease. Even if a person does not become disabled physically, the impact it can have on the brain is tremendous. Use me as an example. I’m over here telling Kindergarten jokes to a blog post. I’d also like to point out that I’ve been spelling Kindergarten wrong my entire life and I’m 10,574 days old!!! (Kindergarden sounds a lot better, but I don’t make the rules...or do I?)