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A no-holds-barred account of life with Multiple Sclerosis pain, mobility struggles, and the battles no one talks about.
A no holds barred account of my stupid week from stress to rage to scooters of death and a lunatic salesman
A brutally honest blog about life with Multiple Sclerosis: pain, mobility scooters, UFOs, and surviving the NHS. Raw, real, and unfiltered.
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My Body Allows No Choice
by Alycia Bradley
I severely dislike the body I am in—some days.
I know I’m feeling weaker,
more fatigued as time passes.
I feel motivated in my mind,
but unable to accomplish most tasks in entirety—
and some, not at all.
I want to be physically stronger.
I yearn to clean my surroundings.
I crave to look presentable.
I aspire to be professional.
All goals that fall flat:
the build,
the aspiration,
the motivation,
the desire—
It tumbles
from a skyscraper
into a barren plain.
I am without.
Without hope.
Without anticipation.
Without excitement.
Without gain.
I am an empty vessel
once again.
No one to understand
or hold these feelings of emptiness
as I defeatedly surrender.
They say: My body. My choice.
But—
my body allows no choice.
It’s strange to lay in bed in the middle of the day when the sun is shining. Without my glasses on, I can see the clouds floating by. It’s a beautiful day. I have had two cups of coffee and breakfast. Now it is 1:45 and I’m laying in bed. No particular reason for this except my body is dragging. I find it hard to move. I find it hard to focus. I’m too exhausted to shower. I’m too exhausted to sit up and watch tv. It’s lonely. If you share your experiences with the world, you’re being negative. If you don’t share them, then you must be fine. I’m caught somewhere in the middle. I want to share. I want to be heard. I want to be understood. I think the more I try, the less I succeed.
I just want to travel the world and go to cute little bookshops and buy a bunch of books from different places.
