always throwing parties to cover the silence

It's funny, I first played ME1 well over a decade ago while waiting for a new DA game. I romanced Kaidan at the time, and never played any of the later games so sort of remained on the outskirts of the fandom. Over the years, I became convinced that romancing Kaidan was the shallow choice, the safe 'Oh, you don't want to romance aliens' choice.

I came back to ME in December, and really only set out with the intention of romancing someone different. I didn't make it halfway through ME1 before going back to Kaidan and knowing I had been right all along.

The thing that struck me was how much depth his character had in such vast array of facets. His story is of disability, of chronic illness, of trauma that leaves quiet tendrils behind, of compassion born of regret, of rigorous self-reflection that still bears uncertainty and doubt, of independence and capability that learns to co-exist with new community. Every aspect of his character was immensely captivating because he was written as a person, not just a squadmate. He is full to the brim of little quirks that feel so lived in: using the metaphor of radio signals when discussing the signs he picks up from Shepard, the debriefs that fall into philosophical pondering of their place in the universe, the small observations of the things you have to slow down to really notice, the ceaseless wonder of not just the galaxy but of those who inhabit it alongside him, the sudden lines he comes out with that read like poetry--but he's only ever written limericks, sometimes.

The main reason they think they don't have PTSD usually has to do with flashbacks and nightmares, either they have one but not the other or have neither. But here's the thing, those are only two symptoms out of the 23-odd recognized symptoms. Flashbacks and nightmares are two of the five symptoms under Criterion B (Intrusion), which you only need one of for a diagnosis. The other three symptoms are unwanted upsetting memories, emotional distress after being reminded of trauma and physical reactivity after being reminded of trauma (i.e. shaking, sweating, heart racing, feeling sick, nauseous or faint, etc). Therefore you can have both flashbacks and nightmares, one but not the other, or neither and still have PTSD.

In fact, a lot of the reasons people give me for why they don't think they have PTSD are literally a part of the diagnostic criteria.

"Oh, I can barely remember most parts of my trauma anyway." Criterion D (Negative Alterations in Cognition and Mood) includes inability to recall key features of the trauma.

"Oh but I don't get upset about my trauma that often because I avoid thinking of it or being around things that remind me of it most of the time." Criterion C (Avoidance) includes avoiding trauma-related thoughts or feelings and avoiding trauma-related external reminders, and you literally cannot get diagnosed if you don't have at least one of those two symptoms.

"Oh I just have trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep, but I don't have nightmares." Criterion E (Alterations in Arousal and Reactivity) includes difficulting sleeping outside of nightmares.

"But I didn't have many/any trauma symptoms until a long time after the trauma happened." There's literally an entire specification for that.

Really it just shows how despite being one of the most well-known mental illnesses, people really don't know much about PTSD. If you have trauma, I ask you to at least look at the criteria before you decide you don't have PTSD. Hell, even if you don't have trauma, look at the criteria anyway because there are so many symptoms in there that just are not talked about.

You have to make stuff up before you can write about it, and that mostly involves inhabiting the spaces and minds of the places and people you’re writing about. Most of that won’t ever appear on the page. Tolkien’s case is different in a couple of ways. Firstly, the sheer extent of the world he’s imagining. (Of course the book takes years to write! He’s making up the history of Númenor and Gondor from thin air!) Secondly, we have unusual access to his world-building materials in the Appendices, which makes the book feel even more fully formed and authoritative. We also have unusual access to his creative process in HoMe. It’s fucking incredible watching Númenor get invented. People joke that Tolkien didn’t finish things, and use his Númenorean time travel story as an example (Lewis publishes the reciprocal three book space travel stories). But that material IS published in a deeply meaningful way. It’s the whole texture that supplies the unique depth and believability of The Lord of the Rings. Sometimes people joke, “Oh, Tolkien barely published!” Yes, but he published The Lord of the fucking Rings. And an essay that revolutionised the study of Beowulf. I’d take that.

This quote also by necessity downplays the rewriting process of LotR which of course was years of painstaking craft and revision, and is its own story. But, yes, of course these things didn’t exist! He had to make them up! So if in doubt, go away and lie in the hammock or on the bed and gaze into nothing and really think about what the world of your story is like and how it feels and what it must be like to be inside the minds of the made-up people whose lives, for some bizarre reason, you want to make up. This actually is part of the work and it’s not frenetic. And there’s no real shortcut. But what is nicer? Why rush this?

as much as i LOVE the aliens, i lost my MIND when i saw this scene for the first time after only seeing kaidan ONCE in ME:2.

the pause after they say each others names, for the first time since kaidan ripped him a new one on Horizon. the passive-aggressiveness. the tension. "SORRY SIR." the absolute direness of the situation undercut by halfhearted jabs.

i could genuinely go on and on and on about that LOOK at the end WHAT THE HELL DID HE MEAN BY THAT. LITTLE SMILE AND NOD. SHEPARD NOT QUITE SMILING BACK BUT TILTING HIS HEAD... FONDLY?

You should be able to add anyone you want on your health insurance plan.

You should be able to sponsor the visa of anyone you choose to move to your home country.

You should be able to name anyone you choose as the legal-from-birth legal coparent of any child you give birth to.

You should be able to apply for student aid on your own at any age.

I used to use Google docs, but the white mode only was really annoying me (tires my eyes), so I swapped to Ellipsus (which I genuinely love and recommend), but it was bothering me a bit that I need wifi in order to use it, so now I switched to LibreOffice Writer, which I do like.

It very much has a Microsoft Word feel, but is open source and you need no accounts to use it. It's local on your device, so no AI can scan it, and no wifi is needed.