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if i look back, i am lost

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@mrfaggot

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Springing off of my addiction post once more, I am also skeptical at best of 12-step programs, because their framework has just never remotely aligned with my actual experience.
The substance I was addicted to was heroin. While I was actively addicted, it absolutely came before everything else. My life shrank around it. I kept using despite very real, very obvious negative consequences. If youâre looking for something that fits the âcompulsion + harm + loss of controlâ model, that was it.
But whatâs always sat strangely with me is what happened when that context changed.
Once my abusive relationship ended and I was no longer in an environment where it was readily available, it was shockingly easy to stop. Iâm not saying it was physically comfortable. My body was pretty pissed off for a while. But psychologically, it just didnât have the same hold anymore. I wasnât spending my days white-knuckling cravings or constantly thinking about it. It dropped out of my life in a way that, according to the 12-step model, is not really supposed to happen.
And thatâs where my issue with that framework starts.
Because 12-step ideology tends to assume that if you have ever had that kind of relationship with one substance, it reveals something fundamental and permanent about you. That you now have a generalized âaddictive natureâ that will attach itself to other substances or behaviors if youâre not constantly managing it. That you are, in some essential way, always on the verge of transferring that pattern onto something else.
And that just hasnât been true for me.
I was a near-daily cannabis user for years. When it started consistently making me feel physically uncomfortable instead of good, I stopped. No drawn-out battle, no existential crisis, just âthis isnât giving me what I liked about it anymoreâ and I moved on.
I drink occasionally, in social or celebratory contexts, and I genuinely find alcohol kind of boring outside of that. It doesnât have much pull for me.
I tried gambling once, got annoyed at how tedious and overstimulating it felt, and left the casino in under an hour. I have not felt remotely compelled to revisit that experience.
I use the internet a lot, and I play a handful of video games, but I can also go on a camping trip with no signal and be completely fine, unless you want to try and find something pathological about nature photography, in which case you can blow it out your ass. If anything, I generally enjoy the change of pace. Thereâs no sense of panic or withdrawal or âI need to get back to my computer/consoles immediately.â
So when I hear the idea that addiction is this broad, transferable trait that will latch onto anything with quick reward or low friction, I just donât see it reflected in my own life.
What does make sense, looking back, is context.
When I was using heroin, I was in an abusive relationship. My environment was unstable, stressful, and honestly pretty bleak. The substance didnât just exist in a vacuum. It fit into a specific set of conditions where it functioned as relief, escape, and regulation.
When those conditions changed, the behavior changed with them.
That doesnât mean there was no dependency. There obviously was. It doesnât mean there were no consequences. There very much were. My grades suffered. I dropped out of college. I lost my apartment because staying out of withdrawal and numbing out from the abuse felt more important than paying rent.
But it does suggest that what we call âaddictionâ might not always be this permanent, identity-level trait that needs to be managed forever. Sometimes it looks a lot more like a relationship between a person, a substance, and a specific environment.
When thatâs the case, then a framework that assumes universality - âif this happened once, it will always be waiting to happen again, with anythingâ - is going to miss a lot of variation.
Iâm not saying 12-step programs canât help people. Clearly they can, or they likely wouldnât exist in the way they do. But I do think theyâre often treated as the model of addiction rather than a model that fits some people and not others, and when your experience doesnât match that model, many people who swear by them will assume that you are misunderstanding yourself, in denial, or ânot taking it seriously enough.â This paternalistic attitude only serves to make me even more skeptical of the framework.
For me, what mattered wasnât declaring myself permanently âaddictiveâ or treating every pleasurable behavior as a potential threat.
What mattered was getting out of the environment where that pattern made sense in the first place.
Rat Park, people. Stop forgetting about Rat Park.
âaddictionâ might not always be this permanent, identity-level trait... Sometimes it looks a lot more like a relationship between a person, a substance, and a specific environment.
I have helped change more individual behavior by changing the environment around them than I have by working on their behavior.
From my own experience with addiction, trauma, coping, and identity, the scarier underlying pattern isn't "situation equals x so solution equals y", its "feelings equal subset a [too intense for me to cope with], so solution equals subset b [behavior that removes me from feelings]
I was medicated outside of my ability to consent as a child, so my brain began to associate "drug" [set containing pill, Adderall, stimulant] with "coping" [set containing managing behaviors and emotions, feeling less bad]
As an adult, weed and alcohol became readily available, and mitigated the stress of being horribly maladapted to adulthood very easily. Drug equals coping.
I graduated to much more dangerous drugs (psychedelics, ecstasy, cocaine, meth), and the base framework didn't change. Drug equaled coping, and because more drugs brought more problems, coping became paradoxically noncomputational.
Post prison, I've developed (wholly by necessity) a better sense of how to cope with life. Is it perfect? Fuck no. During the week, I drink after work, because work is exhausting and super stressful. However, because I'm better at managing the things that cause me to drink, better at coping, the drinking is enough. I understand how much it costs me, and I mitigate it based on how good it feels against how good not being in prison and having control of my life feels.
If I stopped, I'd miss it. My brain would Do The Thing where everything sucks for a while. I'd need to find a new shortcut for coping. But for me at least, it's not one of those addictions that's tearing my life apart.
I think addiction is a highly nuanced concept, and should only be the umbrella under which we begin to have conversations about individual experiences and needs. There is no one solution. Sometimes there's not even a problem.
Where the dink am I
130 favorite horror movies: (52/130)
"i can feel death in this room! i feel a presence, a twisted mind sending me thoughts! perverted, murderous thoughts... go away! you have killed! and you will kill again!"
-deep red (1975) dir. dario argento
Happy Pride

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if youâre a fat person not looking to lose weight, i love you. the weight loss industry is going bonkers right now and iâm proud of you for continuing to take up space. kisses u on the forehead
i feel like iâm cursed forever but other than that iâm doing alright
out of the backyard gang baljeet is one of the worst to make into a coffee table. ferb would also be pretty bad. phineas and isabella would be mid because they have those bigass heads but the skinny bodies. might be worse than baljeet and ferb if you're a person who cares about symmetry. buford would objectively make the best coffee table because his silhouette has the most evenly-spaced surface area. now if you wanna talk about pnf characters in general i think pet mode perry would be the best coffee table out of all of them
love this kinda post where you have to have seen a different specific post for it to make any sense at all
every single time time i try to check facebook marketplace for furniture i get jumpscared by this (admittedly sick) custom baljeet coffee table
an angel's devotion
riso 3 colors, black, light lime, and fluorescent pink

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every day ao3 authors weave more and more fascinating concepts i could never come up with in a million years
june vision board
Simpsons Style AI Ad for Porn Addiction App
it's almost summer do you guys want my stupid hyperoptimized lemonade recipe that takes half a day to make and whips absolute ass
Fruited Lemonade That Makes You Reconsider It All
ingredience:
lemons/limes (this needs to make up the bulk of the fruit being used, like at least 80%)
whatever other fruits or fruit scraps you want, plus any herbs/other flavorings you want to try. by fruit scraps I mean things like cherry pits, apple peels, pineapple cores, strawberry ends, things like that.
granulated white sugar, the coarser the better, 50% by weight of total citrus rinds + 100% by weight of any additional fruit. you'll measure this after you prep the fruit.
water as needed
equipment:
a few nonmetallic mixing bowls
a mesh strainer
a chinoise, ricer or some cheesecloth
a kitchen scale
a citrus juicer or reamer (manual or electric)
a potato masher
juice the citrus through a strainer - saving all rinds -Â and refrigerate the juice for the time being. dice the rinds and other fruits if any, keeping the rinds separate. make note of weights, and measure your sugar.
 Place sugar in a large nonmetallic bowl. If using non-citrus fruits and/or any other flavorings, mix them in with the sugar and mash with potato masher. add diced citrus rinds, mix thoroughly, and mash again. cover and let stand at room temperature for at least 4 hours. this allows the sugar to draw out flavors that would otherwise get discarded with the rinds, and the rinds' acids should be enough to dissolve the sugar into a syrup.
Afterward, mash one last time, then collect the syrup by pressing the macerated mixture through a strainer/chinoise or ricer, or squeeze it through cheesecloth. if you want, this can be saved as a standalone syrup at this point, for use in cocktails or desserts. if not, slowly pour the reserved juice through the solids to to help get the remaining syrup out, and squeeze/press again. do the same thing one more time with warm water (roughly the same amount of water as juice). discard solids (or try making sangria with them!).
taste the mixture and add more water if necessary. a stronger mix is totally fine if you anticipate serving over ice on a hot day, or adding booze, or if there was a lot of non-sour fruit. keep in mind that it will taste a bit less sweet once it's chilled. pour into a pitcher and refrigerate.
citrus oils will float to the top, so stir/shake before serving. love you. enjoy.
some tried and true flavor combos:
straight lemon or lime, or any combination of the two, is of course an untouchable classic
lemon & strawberries (that's pussy babe!)
lemon & orange with a hint of vanilla (creamsiclemonade...?)
lemon & apples or apple peels with cinnamon/ginger/allspice (for late summer)
some cocktail type combos, booze optional:
lemon or lime & berries with basil + gin
lime & mint + white rum
lime & ginger + dark rum
lime & cucumber + gin
lime & orange (berries optional) + tequila
lemon, orange & cherry + brandy, bourbon, or rye whiskey
holy gods

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The facial expressions of everyone trying not to lose it are killing me
This is painfully American
Americans be like it is totally normal for an entire stadium (including military members) to stand at attention while a fast food clown mascot sings the national anthem
when we say "it is functionally impossible to parody Americans in a way that will actually insult them" this is the sort of thing you're up against. is your sick burn funnier than corporation burger clown sing national anthem baseball game? no?? of course it isn't.
im crying. wtf was his problem