moved

Imagine the worst possible start to an international vacation. I botched the date/time for our flight to New York, so we missed it. I then booked a flight for the wrong day and paid extra to change it, then we paid again for seats on an earlier flight to worry less about catching our connection to Dublin. Refunds pending. I had no panic medication, no sleep, and no confidence that we’d actually go, but we arrived to France on schedule (thankfully). Our motto: “Make the plan, execute the plan, expect the plan to go off the rails… throw away the plan” (Captain Cold). The slightest buzz of everything that can go wrong, will go wrong lingered throughout the convention. Nothing did. I digress.

CONVENTION DAY!

Panels: Wentworth and Dominic’s panel was one of the most uncomfortable experiences ever. I’m not much a fan of free-for-all Q&A’s, especially when a certain level of discomfort can be inferred from the participants. Thankfully, no one asked anything super embarrassing or inappropriate. Click here for a full transcript. Our photo op with Wentworth directly followed the Q&A (yay). I just remember being super out of it the whole time. Thanks, panic disorder. I don’t know how I managed to ask Wentworth if it was okay to hug him, but I did, and thanked him. It was a whirlwind two seconds. (Fun fact: I saved my last Xanax for convention day and left it at our rented apartment. It took some serious self-love not to have a complete meltdown when I realised that, and I’m incredibly proud that I got through the day without any major incidents of panic. There’s a life lesson there somewhere.)

We only went to one other panel: David and Michael’s. They’re hilarious, and I enjoyed that their panel lacked that air of tension that Wentworth and Dom’s had. It was a nice way to waste time.

Private session: The private session was an intimate gathering of fans (about 20) and all the guests, at the additional cost of selling your soul. I, anxious as I was, sort of clung to Brian’s side while he talked to David and Michael about Deadshot, despite wanting to talk with Wentworth. I somehow found the courage to peel myself from Brian’s side and approached him (I’d approach him three times total, just because I couldn’t handle that much continuous interaction, and because I didn’t want to bother him).

I said ‘hi’ and held my arm out, told him, ‘I just wanted to show you-’ Let me tell you: everything he does is thoughtful and gentle. He cupped the underside of my tattooed arm and said, “Oh, wow. That’s gorgeous.” His ‘fuss’ caught Dom’s attention, who paused the conversation he was having to look at what I was showing Went. I don’t remember if he said anything. I don’t have a decent photo of my tattoo handy, but it’s a dandelion and some dandelion-related foliage, and the quote ‘Like a dandelion up through the pavement, I persist.’ It spans half my lower, left arm. I told Wentworth my grandma bought it for me and that she’d recently passed, so it has a double meaning. He put his hand over his heart and said he was deeply sorry for my loss, that she “sounded like a cool lady.” Then, stupidly or just humanly, I asked him how he was. He said he was doing okay, but that he’d be flying home the next day and wouldn’t get to enjoy France. Do you know what I did? I pouted at him, y’all. Like, genuinely. I told him we were really glad he chose to do this convention, because we’d bought tickets to the other. He was just so genuinely apologetic. I also told him about the gift we got him, which I don’t think he fully understood or appreciated until we gave it to him. I had a replica made of his quesadilla tray, from that photo he posted last summer, because I wanted him to always have his quesadilla.

Brian was with me the second time I approached him. I’m a little fuzzy on the sequence of events. I know Brian also, not knowing I’d already mentioned it, thanked him for coming. Wentworth said he was glad we could make it, that it was very meaningful for us to be there. I told him we’d have come even if we couldn’t come, and that we only came to see him (not that we hated everyone else), which he was super bashful and laughed about. I then summoned all the courage I probably had left (just kidding, that’s coming up) to ask if he’d be so kind as to film a birthday video for Amy. My exact words were something like, ‘I have a request of you,’ and he was thankfully so gracious about it.

The third and final time I approached him, I think I said, ‘I’m buzzing around like a nervous bee,’ to which he replied with something along the lines of aww. I went right into talking about how important his writing is, obviously, considering my tattoo. I told him how hard the past year has been and that, when I’m suicidal, I think about his writing. I told him he’s taught me to be a lot kinder to myself. I told him I’m glad he’s still here (and I meant here, alive) and so open. I thanked him. He thanked me for sharing my story. I honestly don’t remember there being anyone else in the room while we talked; if anyone else wanted his attention, I didn’t notice. I had it. Genuinely. Compassionately. He touched my elbow the way someone else might give a hug and said, “Be gentle with yourself.” I don’t even know what happened after that.

We also talked to Dom, who’s one of the funniest, kindest men. We laughed about how god-awful Vikingdom is (if you haven’t watched it, please do). Brian asked about his hair in that movie; apparently, Dom grew his hair chin-length and then they supplied extensions. I asked if he lived in Australia. He said he pretty much called the United States home, and that he spent a lot of time on the California beach. I said I know, joking that he probably had a little cave there. Dom said he’d be content with that. When I took our photo with him, he made sure we were facing the best lighting and told me to check my photo after, to make sure I liked it (I don’t but didn’t say that). He then took my phone and zoomed in on his face, I guess to make sure he liked the photo. I don’t remember him doing this with anyone else, so it was hilarious.

David complimented my hair. I’m also almost certain Brian became best friends with Michael and Manu. He spent almost the whole time comfortably talking to them, as I buzzed around in my nervousness.

Autographs: In hindsight, I should have bought autographs with Dom but didn’t.

THIS HAPPENED RIGHT AFTER THE PRIVATE SESSION (I don’t know why I’m shouting. Dear Lord), so I was understandably nervous about shoving myself in Wentworth’s face again. He’s so sweet, guys. He’s such a genuinely compassionate, sweet man. I don’t really remember if he said anything to me beyond, “It was nice talking to you.” I’m a firm believer that a man like him does not say things he doesn’t mean, so it was a compliment, to me, to be told he enjoyed talking to me. Brian thanked him again for coming. We gave him his gift and, to his assistant-person, he said the quesadilla magnet was great.