jasmine

how tf am i supposed to get out of this friendzone...

I have such a deep, deep, nasty scar inside of me. I avoid it at all costs at this point because I don't know how I can heal that. every day I get up and do what I do and time passes and life keeps going but that scar never stops bleeding. it is going to be the end of me someday. it is my biggest obstacle and my biggest battle in this world.

I don't know how to do it but I need to teach my inner child that I'm important and I'm worthy... of a call, of a present, of an invitation, of a surprise party, of a special letter, of kind words, of "I love you"s and simple "how are you"s. I need to teach her that as long as I exist, I will mean something to someone or at least hold the possibility to become important to someone someday. maybe I am not now, or I was never. maybe no one cared for my absence and wellbeing or my existence went unnoticed in all gatherings. but i may still become the most important thing in someone's life, maybe not today but tomorrow or the day after. I will be the first person they look for when they enter a room and their face will light up when they see me and they will think of me when they are bored and want to do something together, or I will be the first person they want to run to when they have a bad day or see something funny and want to share. they will be afraid of losing me because I matter to them. because I matter for who I am. not today, but maybe tomorrow.

how can I be special to him

i'm a true yearner. i think about him literally 24/7. i want to kiss him. i keep checking his accounts. i play over everything we did and talked over and over. i'm obsessed.

why am i the way i am

if he wanted to he would. why wouldn't he follow me or ask me to follow him? I'm delusional as always. i'm going to be as neutral as possible around him.