transing the genders and venerating the Holy Side Wound

Having said that, I present a rant attempting to process the loneliness I felt as an adolescent trans woman who did not start to transition until I was 23 (I knew I was trans when I was 15 and told people, but refused to transition so I could continue to attend the temple). For the purspose of this post I find it necessary to point out that I am neurotypical and have normative social proclivities (to my shame).

When I was a teenager I presented as a boy. I looked like a boy. I was fruity for sure, little bit of a glass closet sort of situation, but I wanted to be treated socially as a girl. I was caught between the step those around me required of me to be treated as a girl (looking the part) and the requirements of my faith tradition to remain in "good standing" (not transition). This process was very painful. I had plenty of friends who were not men, but I was never one of the girls. If anything I was often the lagging wheel, the person who got left behind. I was never invited to do things outside of school. My girl friends would tell me about their overwatch games (autistic queer women were among the only women who would tolerate my presence) but they would never invite me to play with them. They would hug one another and confide in one another and whisper to one another and I was present but I wasn’t one of them. Girls from church would offer to let me braid their hair backstage in the green room so I could practice for the future and cis gay boys would shove me out of the way and tell me I was doing it wrong, they themselves being desperate to prove their place in feminine society. I remember in a sophomore history class the entire classroom was separated by gender except for two kids who ended up being trans. There was one trans boy who sat with the boys, and I sat with the girls. The trans guy seemed to be treated like one of the guys within the confines of the classroom, but I imagine that that ended in the doorway. I never really felt like I got to that point with my friends on the girls side be it because I looked like a boy or didn't shave my legs neatly enough or wear pretty enough clothes or what have you to pass as a gay boy or for whatever reason.