it’s ok to be yourself baby
Carina is having a hard time, she doesn't know how to cope, and her brain does it for her, Maya sees her in a vulnerable place, and she takes care of her, Carina couldn't ask for someone better, neither could Maya.
Carina has lost a lot. Her mother, her father, now her brother.
Carina has dedicated her life to helping people give birth to their children. She has literally given life. It’s the most beautiful thing she has gotten to experience. Her work life is fulfilling, she loves her job, loves the people she meets, the people she gets to help, the beautiful little fingers that latch onto hers and the cries of breath that bless her ears every day.
Carina loved her job, but she hated her life.
She had a routine, she woke up at 5, got ready, drinks her caffeinated tea, sends Maya off to work, leaves to go herself, get some paperwork done, babies don’t run on schedules so she delivers a baby in between paperwork, she has lunch, leaves work at 9, makes dinner for herself and her soon to be wife and the everything repeats the next day.
Carina used to love her job, but something inside her has changed. It started when she lost her mother, she felt this hole, this emptiness carve into her slowly but surely. Since then, she had been forced to grow up fast. She was the oldest sister, the last woman in the household, she was tasked to take care of her younger brother, as well as her father.
She had to be the one to make dinner, help Andrea with his homework, make sure her dad didn’t get into any trouble, share out his meds, make sure they both have a bath at the end of the day, clean up the house, literally everything she saw her mother do, she was responsible for now. She never complained because she thought that this was her duty as a daughter.
But Carina was a child, she was just a kid and she had to hold so much responsibility, too much responsibility.
Then her father dies, he dies and a weight is lifted off of her and a new one surfaces.
Then Andrea dies. Andrea, her only brother, the only relative she had left to call home, dies. Losing him was a punch to the gut and she isn't sure she will ever recover.
So Carina hates life, she hates having to wake up every day and tackle the world with her head held high. She misses her mom, she missed her dad, she misses her fucking brother.
She misses a lot, but there’s one thing she always turns back to.
She misses being a kid, she misses sneaking cookies and getting caught by her mom, she misses hugging a teddy at night when the thunderstorms become too much, she misses running around the house playing tag with her brother, she misses the kisses she’d get from her parents after getting hurt jumping from the swing. She misses it all, and she wishes she could have it back
She no longer felt joy when she was a part of bringing life into the world. She felt envious. Carina envied those babies who got to be held when they cried, gotten to suck on those little soothers for the first time, getting to wear those cute warm footie pajamas, all of it, every last bit of comfort a mother gives to her babies, Carina wants it, she misses it.
Maya has noticed the change in her wife. She’s tried, really tried to get Carina to talk to her, a therapist, anyone to help her get through all of this trauma. Maya loves her wife, and would do absolutely anything for her. She has noticed things, little things like Carina being extra whiny when they send each other off to work, extra clingy when it's time to wake up in the morning, less talkative, less specific with her words. Carina's English is fantastic for it being her second language, but her accent is heavier now, almost like she is devolving.
Maya knew that the death of her brother was something that tipped her partner over an edge, but rather than falling, Carina is dangling off the side of a cliff and one gust of wind would have her soaring into the jagged rocks below. Maya doesn’t want that to happen, she won’t let that happen.
Carina finds herself in her office, she isn’t on call today but has decided to come in and finish up some of her piling paperwork as well as a consult she has coming up. Today has been a slow day, she had extra lunchtime as well as an opportunity to snack on something. Maya packed her lunch today, having the next three days off from the station. Carina smiles at the little note she left. It’s written in Italian and a couple of the accents are off and an é is missing from two of the words but Carina wouldn’t have it any other way.
Carina looks away and looks down back at her paperwork. It’s been very hard to focus all together. Her brain can’t concentrate much. Today has been a good day, Maya hugged her longer than usual before Carina had to get up this morning.
Maya picked out Carina's clothes, helped her get dressed, packed her lunch and drove Carina to work. They didn’t talk much in the car, Maya had her hand securely on Carina's knee, gently rubbing her thumb on the outside. It was a comforting action, something that Carina thoroughly enjoyed and she had to be nudged awake after a while because she fell asleep. She gave a sheepish smile and accepted the kiss Maya offered her and they said their "I love yous".
Ever since this morning, Carina's head has been fuzzy, way fuzzier than usual. Maya is always affectionate with her, but this feels different, this doesn’t feel like the passionate intimacy they are used to. This feels warm, not fiery, this feels calming, soothing, just so loving . She can’t explain it any other way.
Carina sighs and curses under her breath. She has been looking at the same piece of paper for almost an hour now and has gotten nowhere. Her eyes hurt so she scrubs at them harshly. It makes them ache worse because of the pressure and it makes her whine. She takes a couple sips from her water bottle and a bit of water dribbles out of the tip.
It gets on her shirt which shouldn’t be a problem because it’s water, it’ll dry in a few minutes. But she can feel its wetness seep onto her skin, the cold draft in her office doesn't make it any better because now it's chilly and she forgot to bring her sweater.
She wipes at the spot in hopes it will help dry the area faster but she soon loses her semblance of peace.
She gets up from her seat abruptly and paces her office, shaking off her limbs and rolling her shoulders to try and get rid of whatever funk this is today. She had a good morning, a fantastic morning and she would love for the rest of her day to continue like that.
She looks at the time and it's almost five, she has a couple more hours to go then she will meet Maya outside and go home. She has the next two days off and she plans on spending all that time with Maya.
Carina is brought out of her thoughts by her pager beeping her to an incoming pregnant person who seems to be at 8 cm dilated.
The woman sighs and races her way to the delivery room.
After about an hour with the new parents, Carina washes up her hands and changes into new scrubs. She goes to throw it in her office hamper but she feels something in the pocket of her soiled uniform.
She pulls out a standard green-blue pacifier she must have forgotten to put back in the baby supplies. She goes to her door to give a quick swing by the ward but stops as her hand touches the doorknob, pacifier still in the other hand. Carina squeezes the little thing, pokes at the rubber end and pinches it a couple of times admiring how soft the nob is. She firmly grasps the hard bit in between her two fingers, turning over the thoughts in her head. Granted, there isn't much going on in her mind, she feels this fuzzy feeling again, it's ramping up and she knows what she really wants right now is a hug.
Carina gnaws at her lower lip, it's a bit raw and sensitive since it's been something she was unconsciously doing most of this week. She brings the object closer to her face and sniffs it, smells like a baby. Carina makes it back to her desk and takes a seat, she’s thinking but not really, it's like she is pushing her own brain to sit in the clouds and just be , so she inserts the soother into her mouth slowly.
She closes her eyes and gives it a few cursory sucks. Her lips pucker around it given how small it is because it's meant for actual babies. That thought makes the girl frown but she quickly sucks on the soother again and she forgets why she was upset in the first place.
Carina’s office is filled with the sounds of faint suckling as well as her office air conditioner. She swivels her chair facing her window looking at the birds flying high in the sky. She doesn't worry about it being open because she is so far up in the hospital it would be impossible for someone to see her. She continues to soothe herself, she feels at ease, content, everything feels soft and dull and her brain is quiet. She plays with the sleeves of her new shirt, happy that she has now gotten on a long sleeve, no longer chilly. She moves between twirling her hair and grasping at her sleeves while making soft giggling sounds at the young birds playing out her window.
Carina feels good, it's a different kind of good, something she hasn't felt in a very long time.
A knock at the door sends the girl flying to her feet. It opens up before she can utter any words.
“Hey Carina, I thought I'd come early ‘cause you said today was a slow day and I thought, what’s leaving thirty minutes early gonna hurt? I brought you a snack and thought we can head to this new Russian place over on-”
Maya looks up after she shuts the door and takes out the cheese and meat plate she bought for her wife to snack on before they leave.
Maya always knocked on the door. But after they got engaged Carina told her she doesn't need to anymore, that if the door is locked then that's when she needs her privacy, so Maya knocks and then comes in when the door is unlocked. Carina has never had a problem with people barging into her office, so nine times out of ten it is always Maya at the door, and today was no different.
Carina should have locked the door, but she wasn't thinking.
Maya furrows her brow at what she sees, Carina standing with a pacifier in her mouth, eyes wide, hands stuck in her sleeves and standing stock still.
Maya quickly neutralizes the look on her face and goes into wife mode. She sort of has a clue what is happening. When Maya went to therapy she was given some research to do at home. Age regression was a coping skill, if used properly could lead to positives in adult life. Maya ended up doing a form of age regression under the supervision of her therapist but since then, it wasn't something she needed to do. She never talked about it with her wife, she never felt the need to but she wasn't hiding that from her either.
Maya slowly and softly walks towards Carina, opening her arm in case Carina wanted to rush into a hug. She still had the soother between her lips but she isn’t sucking on it, Carina flushes red and her eyes brimmed with tears.
“It's ok baby.” Maya grabs Carina's hands and softly kisses her knuckles, “You're ok, I promise I’m here.”
A soft whine spills from Carina's lips, then her tears start to fall, “I- I don't know what-” she takes out the object and flings it across the room in frustration and she wipes her fist across her eyes to try and stop the flowing tears.
Maya tisks and takes Carina's harsh hands away from her face, Maya wipes at the tears softly and lovingly. “You don't have to know what's going on, all you have to do is feel, and I'm here to catch you, to help you, to take care of you, always, yeah?”
Carina lunges into Maya's arms, light sobs echo through her office. Maya catches her easily, squeezing tight arm around the girl's waist, humming a random tune until Carina is just left sniffling.
After a while, Maya speaks, “How about instead of the restaurant, I take you home, make you some dinner and we cuddle and watch a movie? We can talk tomorrow, ok?”
The taller woman nods her head but remains silent.
Maya smiles warmly at her. The blonde grabs her wife's purse and her dirty scrubs to wash at home. They begin to leave her office but before they make it out the door Maya grabs the discarded pacifier.
“We can stop and wash it in the bathroom if you want?” Carina doesn't look her way but roughly shakes her head no, Maya doesn't push but she pockets the object anyway, might be good for later.
Maya squeezes her wife's hands and they silently make it to her car parked out front. The ride home is mostly silent. Maya nudges the cheese tray to the taller girl after three too many hunger pain rumbles. Carina picks at the plate, eating about half and leaving the rest for another time. They have a little way to go till they get home and Carina is all in her head. She gnaws at her fingertips, not painfully, and Maya doesn't stop her. She rests her hand again on the girl's leg and that seems to soothe her just a little.
When they make it in the house Maya sits all of the stuff down by the front door. She grabs Carina's hand and she leads them to the bedroom. “I'm gonna get you undressed and we are gonna have a bath ok?” Carina nods her head slightly, “You can pick out a movie to watch while I make dinner and then when we finish we can cuddle in the bedroom to sleep, how does that sound baby?”
Maya talks Carina through it all, even when she has to leave the bathroom to get an extra towel she makes sure to tell her that she won't be long. Carina still hasn't said anything. Maya washes herself quickly but takes her time with Carina, getting everything squeaky clean blowing a few bubbles around the tub, this gets the taller girl to giggle which makes Maya smile. Once the water starts to get cold she towels herself off first then wraps Carina in a big fluffy one and she leads them both into their bedroom.
She gets dressed first, pulling on some underwear, a sports bra, and some sweatpants. She then lotions Carina gently, and massaging all of her muscles. She takes a washcloth and wipes her face and moisturizes that too. She gets her sleep set, a soft cotton, long-sleeve shirt with sleep shorts.
Carina doesn't know how to feel. She knows that this feels good, but she isn't sure why, and isn't sure how Maya feels about having to do all of this. She sees Maya smile at her every so often. She can hear the love in Maya's voice when she talks through everything with her even though Carina isn't offering anything other than a shake of her head or a hum of acknowledgment.
So Carina isn't sure what she should be feeling, but she knows that she feels love, and she wants to keep feeling it.
Carina is deposited on the couch with a huge blanket and optional socks as well as the remote to scroll through the channels.
“Anything you want ‘Rina, I don't think I'll be cooking for more than an hour, whatever we watch is up to you.” She says from the kitchen.
Maya can hear the beginning of Finding Nemo play while she plates their dishes, dinner doesn't end up taking long to eat at all.
Towards the end of the movie, Carina's head starts to lull on Maya's chest, her finger sitting at the edge of her teeth, prodding at her lips insistent on making entry.
Maya looks at the time and makes the executive decision that it's best to head to bed so she gently shakes the girl awake. She whines and the thumb gets sucked in making a soft squeaky sound on entry, Carina's head burrows deeping into the blonde's chest, her free hand tugging on the hem of Maya’s shirt to grasp firmly, it makes her chuckle.
“You are absolutely precious love.” She whispers into the girl's hair, she gets a light hum in response, “But we gotta get up and in bed.” This gets her a whine.
Maya motions for her to get up and begrudgingly the taller woman does, finger still in her mouth, she wipes at her eyes and blinks them closed while still standing. Maya grabs the unused hand and leads them to the bedroom to turn in for the night.
She tucks the girl in on top of her, head buried in her chest once more, noise machine turned on low. Maya cards her hand through Carina's hair, revelling in the soft curly texture, staring at her wife's soft face. She can feel the steady beat of her heart and the squeak every now and then of Carina's thumb being sucked on.
“I love you, baby girl, all of you.” She kisses the tip of her nose and settles to fall asleep with her, melting into a dreamless rest.
