today i thought about how to be better to myself, my surroundings and my past self. i am a bitch, but maybe i should be mean, rather than angry. especially when anger wounds me so tight that i cannot make any sudden moves. being mean lets me build at least. or destroy and rebuild.

today i also thought of new york and how i would lead my life if i lived in new york. i think i could let my healthy exhibitionst self live it all out. no one relevant to my past would know me there. no past stains or shame. but then i also instantly think of where i go, there i am. so maybe i should eliminate my shame and start in the dream city with a fresh mind. but then would that be me or someone i orchestarted? i would have a studio apartment, with fluffy pillows, the smell of incense and hot sx. connections and fashion and getting drunk with new friends on weekdays. staying responsible.