what comforts me in this horrible situation is that my despicable dad is hated by all sorts of demographics. everyone at my job including coworkers from cuba and venezuela. my tumblr warriors from all over the world. my own psychiatrist wants him dead. this time is different from my childhood, because i got witnesses and people believe me when i denounce him. i spent so much time going to the police station w my mom when i was a kid, talking to all these adults who "were my friends and just wanted to talk to me and check me (abuse test kits). all these psychologists, cops, investigators whatever the fuck, child service staff, they never believe me. i went to my first real psychologist as a teen because i needed a witness, while i tried to clumsily collect evidence with the knowledge i had as a kid, and she laughed at me and said i shouldn't worry about "adults' business", that that behavior was normal, that she had patients who went through worse (breaking the secrecy and privacy of her patients, which is unethical and should've made her lose her credentials. but i was just a kid, no one cared when i expressed concern for her conduct as a professional. it's teenage angst, i knew nothing, i was a kid trying to cause trouble!). and i can't say i was failed by the system, because it was working exactly as intended. protect the man who would never do such a thing, who is important at his job, who is a pilar in the industry he used to work at. my mom having the natural reaction to years and years of All That, was helpless and distressed, which in court meant she was a hysterical woman trying to ruin a man's life because she was delusional! i try to leave these events behind, but two decades of misery, failing to end my undignified life did affect my development and current conditions. he's been here since saturday, i barely interacted with him because i was at work, so im trying to study my environment and prepare for what could happen. im an adult, i have a little bit of money, i have people who believe me, the resources for DV seem to have expanded since my childhood, the circumstances are similar but not the same. i should see what the current law has to say, i should make plans to keep my mom, my sister and i materially secure too. i don't know how to do any of that, but it's my duty to protect my mom and sister. I'll conduct myself diplomatically, but if he becomes a threat i will denounce him directly to his aunt, his only close family member alive. and if she hears her disgraceful nephew has been drinking and mistreating her baby again, she should be helpful. i wish i didn't have to make plans for combat throughout my life, today is my day off I should be gaming and going out with a friend. but i can't focus on anything else if there are hostile forces in my territory. how am i supposed to study and enroll in university again when I have to worry if my drunk dad wont start threatening people and knocking shit up to cause panic on others? no one should live in fear of violence like that, especially not since they were a little kid. you have to fuck up badly to make a 7yo pray for god to never wake up again before she sleeps. anyway. lets hope I'll have an okay day despite it all.
