Incorrect LotR and Hobbit

Éomer: Hey, Éowyn, do have a moment to-? Éowyn: No, I’m very busy! Merry: Éowyn, Faramir is calling you! Éowyn, grabbing the phone: Faramir! Hi! Yes, we can go out! I’m free! Éomer: Are you kidding me?

Merry: What time is it? Pippin: I don’t know. Pass me that saxophone and I’ll find out. Pippin: *blows sax loudly* Sam, from another room: WHO IS PLAYING THE SAX AT 2AM? Pippin: It’s 2am.

Smaug: You're too late! You'll never stop me now. Bilbo: That's where you're wrong, evil-doer! We will stop you with the powers of: Bofur: Friendship! Kili: Harmony! Thorin: Incredible violence. Fili: And love!

Fili: Kili and I failed our safety course today. Bilbo: What happened? Kili: Well, one of the questions was, “In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?” Bilbo: And? Fili: Apparently, “fucking large ones,” wasn’t the right answer.

Aragorn: Fill your body with cranberries so the horse that kills you gets a sensual surprise when he begins to feed. Gimli: Gimli: I will give the horse that kills me no such luxury.

Bilbo: If someone told me you murdered someone, I wouldn’t be too surprised, I think. Thorin, instantly: Has someone told you I did? Bilbo: N-no? Thorin, sitting back: Okay.

Frodo: I can't believe Gollum betrayed us again! Frodo: Why is it always the ones you most expect?

Mirkwood Guard: Ahh! A ghost! Legolas, running outside: There’s a ghost?? Bilbo, quickly pulling off the Ring: I’m not a ghost!! Legolas, raising his bow: I can fix that.

Barliman Butterbur: We actually have a chip reader now. Gandalf: Oh yeah? Gandalf, pulling a Dorito out of pocket: Hmmm. Barliman: It’s not going to work on that kind of ch- *Chip Reader*: ~Transaction completed.~

Bilbo: I think you owe me an apology. Thorin: I’LL APOLOGIZE TO YOU IN HELL. Bilbo: Thorin: Bilbo: Thorin: I don’t actually know what this is about. Sorry I took such a hard stance.

Dis: Kili, can you pass me the onions? Dis: I mean the carrots! No! The lettuce! No! The forks! No! The fridge! Fili: Do you mean the salt? Dis: …yes. Fili: Also, I'm not Kili.

Pippin, desperate for an excuse: Um, because....? Gandalf: Because you lack common sense? Pippin: Yes. NO!

Thranduil: Careful, Oakenshield. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Thorin: It’s courageous of you to imply that I would ever like you at all.