KITTEN KISSES

I found my old work 

Good evening, friends, let me tell you some Secrets on how to argue like (and with) assholes. I’m writing this because I keep running into a particular asshole, and I need to stop engaging with them, and so this is an instruction sheet for myself as well as you guys. 

First, try to avoid assholes; they don’t deserve your time and energy. But, if an Argument is unavoidable, here are a few tips on how to emerge unscathed. 

Let go of the idea that you’re going to win. 

You’re not gonna win. Nobody wins in an argument with an asshole. But, on the other hand, you can make them lose. You can deprive them of their entertainment and their triumph. 

How??? 

Do not present your side of this debate. 

This is so counter-intuitive for most of us who believe in things like, oh, science, or real facts, or the idea that real facts can be determined by science. Here’s a cool terrible thing about humans: certainty has nothing to do with facts. And when people are certain, that is when they become assholes. 

When someone’s only goal is to win an argument, any real evidence or facts you give them is just ammunition for them to turn against you. 

You will not convince them. So what should you be doing? 

Destroy their arguments.

This is a thing of joy, because it’s what assholes are used to doing. They are, at heart, morons who don’t know how to construct, only how to destroy. 

I used to be super emotional about arguments like this. I couldn’t think of anything to say while the other person ranted on about their horrifying bigotry. Now I’m a lawyer, and I’ve learned to weaponize my essentially nitpicky nature. For money. 

So here are some easy tactics you can remember and deploy: 

- Make them define the words they use. Nitpick the definitions. 

- Turn questions back on them. If they ask you “why do you believe x”, ask them why they believe y. If they pull some “I asked first” shit, ask them why they’re afraid to defend their beliefs. 

- Call them emotional.  If possible, pick out specific emotions. This is especially devastating when you’re debating a man, as he will get more emotional as a result. 

- “Why is that funny? I don’t get it.” Making people explain mean jokes can be a delight; they just wilt the more you question them about the underlying assumptions. 

- Laugh at any especially dumb shit. Like they use some slogan or catchphrase that’s obviously untrue, due to science, or essentially ridiculous, like “we’ve made America great again,” and you just blurt out laughing. If they get mad, tell them – oh, so sorry, I’ll shut up, I’m giving you the floor to talk about your beliefs. I’m respecting you. This is a goddamn power move. It gives you the high ground, and also the implied control over the situation. The floor belongs to you, but you are yielding it to someone because you can. 

- If they make an awkward exit, let them. Especially if they call the discussion “political.” It means they’re feeling attacked. Graciously allow them to retreat with their tail between their legs. If they storm off, allow them to do that too. Congratulations; you’ve ended the argument and you don’t have to deal with it anymore. 

Basically: hand the asshole a shovel, and let ‘em dig. Relieve yourself of the burden to convince them they are wrong, and just sour their fun instead. 

–

Additionally, these are the tactics that assholes use, consciously or subconsciously, all the time. Recognize them. Once you know what they are, you can become immune to the intimidation and belittling tactics. 

A Lesbian Artist Who Painted Her Circle of Women at the Turn of the 20th Century

1) shutting down trans men talking about their anatomy and their dysphoria

like shutting down trans men complaining about periods by mtfs who complain that it makes them dysphoric or that trans men don’t appreciate what they have; it only works this one way - I never saw a trans man scream over a trans woman who was complaining about say random erections that she should appreciate what she has and stop talking about it this way

2) speaking over trans men on issues related to their biology and socialisation and in extreme forms even completely denying them a voice on those issues

telling trans men that they do not know what’s it like to be socialised as a girl or treated as a girl and should shut up about it, often simultaneously telling them they also don’t know what’s it like to live as men/be a gnc man, removing trans men from talks about feminism, misogyny, abortion or rape

3) devictimising trans men

being misogynistic towards them (portraying them as hysterical bitches or mocking their anatomy, for one), or transphobic towards them (calling them shrimpdicks, cuntboys, manlets), and justifying it with them being men and either not being able to be victimised or deserving the harassment; it’s also present as “venting about men” but singling out trans men and never cis men

4) erasing trans men’s oppression

one element of it is claiming trans men shouldn’t reclaim tranny despite it very well targetting them, or replacing “transphobia” with “transmisogyny” in general discourse, in such ways as to erase trans men as targets of transphobia in order to frame them as oppressors of trans women more

5) limiting trans men’s freedom and means of describing their oppression to serve trans women

trans women’s interests are always prioritised; it’s “trans men shouldn’t say they were female socialised because it implies trans women were male socialised”, never “trans women shouldn’t say they were female socialised because it erases trans men’s trauma with misogyny" 

6) constant guilting of trans men who dare speak up against those things, and guilting of trans men into taking a subserviant role in activism

trans men are constantly reminded that they are potentially predatory, potential rapists, just like cis men etc, and that is applied twice as heavily to trans men who disagree or talk back to trans women; the rhetoric is always that they are oppressors of mtfs and are victimising them further by “not listening to trans women”

7) bias in judgement of trans men’s actual societal power and position and spreading misinformation about it

in such a way trans men will constantly be told trans women get sexually harassed and raped more often, earn less, etc, despite statistics proving otherwise. bringing up those statistics results in: see point 6. in places with equal numbers of trans men and trans women in power (rare), the trans women will typically still claim there’s more trans men in power and their power is greater.

8) piting up trans men against each other

urging trans men to “defend trans women” from wrongthinking trans men. demanding that trans men who speak up are ostracised, including from their own circles 

9) undermining the soldiarity trans men may find with lesbians, gnc women or any other female group

that can take form of literally explaining to butches with whom they should and with whom they shouldn’t have solidarity, or speaking aganst “AFAB solidarity”, or arguing that “AFAB people” don’t have any common experiences 

“he only opens up to me! but, i have to do tons upon tons of emotional labor to get him to open up and now hes evidently dependent on me emotionally. hes just a softie with a hard shell, if i leave him he’ll fall apart!”

Period Sex Is Perfectly Normal – photographed by Nolwen Cifuentes

“ Periods were humiliating and you never wanted anyone to know you were on it. When I’d buy tampons at the store, I’d try to buy lots of other items so the cashier wouldn’t notice too much. I’m not sure why, is it some big secret that we all get it every month? My grandmother growing up had to go deep into the woods to bury the cloth she used to contain her menstruation. We’ve been through so many generations of shame involving our periods and not many of us have stopped to question why.