dawning

“–your problems are valid though.”  it’s rehearsed–let other people talk about themselves and tegan never has to say a word about their situation.  “your feelings too.  suppressing them isn’t healthy, like, at all.”  if there’s a higher power, they’d be laughing at the irony, the hypocrisy.  “but i know how it is.  they won’t listen if it isn’t what they want to hear, like their problems are so much worse than anything you could go through.”

there’s a matching smile, uncomfortable, but it drops sharply.  “you first.  that’s only fair, isn’t it.”

“well,”  it  doesn’t  take  much  pressing  to  get  rachel  to  COMPLAIN,  to  deride  her  peers  and  the  town  and  school  and  god  know  what  else.  maybe  that’s  why  they  dislike  her  so  much.  “most  recently?  some  DICK  wrote  my  number  in  the  restroom  at  the  diner,  so  this,”  her  phone  is  held  up,  on  silent  and  do  not  disturb,  “has  been  a  thing  i  have  to  deal  with.  on  top  of  my  mom  calling  and  trying  to  get  me  to  visit  soon,  which  i  don’t  -  i’m  not  going  to,  and  she  knows  that,  but  like,  god  forbid  you  have  to  explain  to  your  WASP  FRIENDS  why  your  daughter  isn’t  in  the  pictures,  right?”  not  out  of  steam  but  sufficiently  ranted,  rachel  settles  and  shakes  her  head,  jamming  her  phone  back  into  the  back  pocket  of  her  jean  shorts.

   @mlkcrten   :   ❛ it’s a void. it’s a black hole. ❜ /  accepting.

waiting outside the parties was something he’s come to get used to because his younger years didn’t exactly involve getting drunk and making out with the host’s sister  …  at least he stopped doing that when he went to ths police academy .  tonight was a busy one , his work had ended later than usual . it was one of the school teachers that asked him to come to the school’s prom party ,  spend some time with the kids instead of being all alone as usual ( perhaps spend time with HER ) .  while he thought it was only for the young ones , he was surprised to see a few middle aged people walking into the gym salon too .

the town was small , everyone knew each other and everyone was growing more and more curious about the newcomers  ── ──  he’s not seen her around much , or at all , but he knew she’s not a newcomer .  perhaps back from a very long vacation , her eyes would stare so blankly to the walls sometimes ,  a lonely kid .  caleb isn’t good with the smaller human beings , he’s definitely not good with teenagers , but she had walked out alone and decided to stare at somewhere again on a lonely bench near the park .  instead of standing near his police truck , and avoiding the certain teacher , he could talk to HER .

words she said were mumbled , and he didn’t know if she meant the night sky or it was the response she gave to his  ’ so . how’s life ? ’  question .

   ❝ … that’s a weird way to explain the night sky . you know . ❞   lips tug in a gentle , KNOWING smile . his own blue eyes glance up to the twinkling stars and the void of space above them . after a few beats of silence , he speaks again ;    ❝ i never liked proms either . ❞   his voice despite his intimidating stance , doesn’t sound too cold .  it’s softer than most , blended easily with the serenity of night . either used to sooth her insecurities or allow her to relax .    ❝ celebrations are just useless . ❞

SOMETHING’S  NOT  RIGHT  WITH  RACHEL  AMBER.  something  has  been  wrong  since  she  stumbled  out  of  the  woods  with  the  smell  of  brimstone  in  her  hair.  even  she  can’t  put  into  words  where  she  went  -  who  she  was  with  -  why  she  didn’t  write  or  call.  it’s  not  something  people’d  believe,  anyway.  they’d  write  it  off  as  ATTENTION  SEEKING  RACHEL  PULLING  ANOTHER  STUNT.  maybe  she  deserves  that;  cry  wolf  one  too  many  times,  vanish  for  a  weekend  without  telling  your  parents  where  you’re  going  only  to  come  back  fine  on  monday  in  time  for  homeroom,  and  people  stop  looking  for  you.

prom  had  seemed  like  a  good  idea.  chris  k.  had  even  asked  her  -  maybe  to  get  brownie  points,  maybe  ‘cause  she’s  still  pretty  with  a  haunted  look  in  her  eye  -  and  rachel  had  thought  it’d  be  fun.  it’d  be  the  same  teenage  bullshit  as  BEFORE  and  she  could  dance  and  drink  shitty,  spiked  punch  and  close  her  eyes  and  not  see  insidious  creatures  crawling  through  the  dark.

turns  out  flashing  lights  and  tinny  music  under  the  sound  of  blood  rushing  through  her  ears  isn’t  quite  the  cleansing  experience  rachel  had  hoped.  at  least  she’d  managed  to  tell  chris  k.  to  dance  with  linda  before  splitting,  saying  she  needed  some  air  or  a  smoke  or  some  other  half - incomprehensible  excuse  to  get  away  from  the  crush  of  bodies  and  the  flickering  lights.  rachel  HADN’T  expected  to  be  tailed  by  someone  she  half - recognizes.  she  also  hadn’t  really  been  thinking  when  answering  his  simple  question  about  how  she’s  doing,  not  enough  to  give  a  comforting  IT’S  GOING  FINE  or  even  a  GOOD  AS  IT  CAN  BE,  I  GUESS.  reddened  eyes  swivel  from  the  stars  to  him  once  or  twice  before  settling  on  the  sky.

“I’ll have to keep that in mind, then. In case I ever need to get in here silently” A grin, shaking his head, “Nah, not a serial killer. Just a wanna-be ghost hunter.” He admits, with a chuckle. “I come here and test things I create to see if they actually work.” He pulls back from leaning over the railing, “Why are you here?” He asked, curiously, “Not that I mind the company, but Always good to know if you might be the serial killer here to kill me.”

          “Well the question definitely raises suspicion I would say,” she answered, brows arched and a small but amused smile on her face. “Otherwise you just look like me on any given day trying to find my car key.” Her smile widened a bit and she took a step toward her. “Do you need help looking for something?”

@mlkcrtn​ : “ everyone is studying me, everyone is projecting their bullshit onto me. “ / gone girl, accepting.

“–that’s awful.”  tegan knows better than that, anyway.  they aren’t ones for projection (definitely not now, after everything that’s happened, especially since they were the catalyst for it).  instead, it’s repression: bottle that shit right up and wait until the bottle can’t handle it anymore.  there’s a smile, fake but rehearsed to the point it looks real, like they care about the other’s problems.  in reality?  they only care about covering their own ass.

“then i shouldn’t dump any more on you.”  a chuckle, light.  “if you want to talk about it, i’m all ears.  i really have all day.”

“it’s  just  how  it  is.”  that’s  DEFEATIST  of  her,  and  she  doesn’t  like  to  think  of  herself  as  someone  who  gives  up.  most  people  don’t  like  seeing  the  truth  about  themselves.  “like.  who  cares  how  i  really  feel  so  long  as  what  they  see  is  what  they  want,  you  know?  and  what  they  don’t  see  can  just  be  bent  into  whatever  shit  they  wanna  think  is  happening.”  does  that  even  make  sense?  rachel  kind  of  doubts  it,  and  she  scrubs  a  hand  through  already  messy  hair  and  shakes  her  head  and  tries  to  give  that  bracing  smile  she’s  so  good  at.  it  doesn’t  feel  like  it  works.

“shit,”  the  word  is  mixed  with  a  startled  little  chuckle  as  rachel  stops  in  her  path  through  the  forest,  fingers  flying  to  the  strap  of  her  backpack,  “i  didn’t  know  anyone  else  even  came  out  this  way.”  there’s  a  nice  little  clearing  she  has  become  kind  of  fond  of  lately.  no  one  else  around  seems  to  really  know  about  it,  and  sometimes  just  being  somewhere  no  one  else  knows  is  nice.  somewhere  without  eyes.  seems  that’s  been  delayed  for  now.  “it’s  pretty  far  to  town,  yeah?  you  out  here  for  the  AMBIANCE  too?”

“so  then  I  told  HIM  that  it  wasn’t  like  that,  but  -  you  know  how  that  goes,  right?  -  and  now  i’ve  just  been  avoiding  him  all  the  time.  which  is  hard  when  we  have  chem  together,  but.”  one  shoulder  rises  and  falls  in  a  shrug  and  rachel  bites  the  corner  of  her  lip,  “doing  my  best.”

“the  world  isn’t  fair.”  maybe  that’s  a  stupid,  teenaged  thing  to  say,  but  it  has  its  hooks  too  deep  in  rachel  to  go  without  saying.  “does  it  get  better?  like  -  not  like  THAT,”  what  is  that?  rachel  isn’t  sure,  “but  does  it  get  more  ...  even?”

“if  i  say  THIS  ISN’T  WHAT  IT  LOOKS  LIKE,  will  it  make  me  look  more  or  less  suspicious?”  she’s  only  got  her  backpack  overturned  and  emptied  out  on  the  pavement,  only  rummaging  through  her  belonging  like  a  rabid  animal.  no  biggie.  not  weird  at  all.