But in the midst of all of that was the shit about my ex, my ex friends, my breakup, etc. And I'm half like, "oh dear God" and half like, "yo who are these ppl" (both literally and figuratively, I really couldn't remember code names and context for back then so I just don't know anymore lol)

ALSO. Some of my "Keep Reading" posts are blank now and that makes me mad 😡

They don't work on my S.O. bc he's so over it lmao, but DAMN I'd like to think I'd be smooth with it if I were single ATM goddamn

Almost 5 years of this relationship. Around what 1? We crumbled and got back together. We've been through almost 4 more years and my breaking point is now... His mom.

You would think quiet, polite, will speak when spoken to is her ideal kind of child because how could that possibly be disrespectful? WELL APPARENTLY, IT CAN BE VERY DISRESPECTFUL and I'm SICK OF IT.

Being Vietnamese, honorifics are hard enough. But she was expecting me to put it at the end of EVERY goddamn sentence I spoke to her. Basically imagine "Hello, miss. Thank you miss. How are you miss." She expects me to greet her every time she comes home if I'm just hanging out inside his room with no knowledge she's home.

She says she knows everything, well then, fucking understand why you give me so much anxiety I'd rather keep my interactions with you to a bare fucking minimum !!!!!!

The latest issue added onto the pettiness pile? "how DARE she ask if YOU wanted a cup and not offer ME a cup" like excuse me??? You've been in the kitchen lounging around for HOW LONG and could've gotten yourself a drink HOURS ago, and you get offended when you're not waited on via convenience, yea no fuck the hell OFF.

She ate dinner before we did. In front of us. So we ordered our own food and she had the audacity to get mad??? That we didn't offer to get her anything???? She ate already!!! No, I don't care if it's courtesy, bc she'll just get mad at the fact we're ordering out. She literally will get mad at anything out of her control under her roof and I'm so goddamn sick of it.

I used to worry that I couldn't please his mom, I hated the idea that she disliked me, but Im at the point of literally speak to me like a goddamn adult human being instead of talking shit behind my back and then maybe I'll "respect" you the way you want to be respected.

Like I'm just annoyed that this affects my relationship with him, like I get that we cant just pick up and move out. I just don't know if I can hold out much longer until we can move out because I can already see things feeling so much easier once he moves out away from his mom.

But at the same time, idk if I wanna even be here any longer with that. I'm not trying to be the strain in the relationship that makes his life suck more bc he gets more mad at his mom I left because of her and she thinks she's won bc "I wasn't a good person anyways" or whatever.

But I don't know what to do. And it sucks because I won't know the results until I just do it.

I have slight anxiety when it comes to asking for help or clarification or following up for answers on projects because I remember always being told “ask three before me” by teachers because they didn’t want to get bothered by all 20 kids 20 different times for the same question, so I would always ask classmate first or just figure it out on my own. But when that rule stopped being a rule, I never would ask for help because I was just scared of being embarrassed for being wrong?? I never was one to raise my hand in class to answer questions, but the one time I was so sure I was right, I raised my hand, got called on, and was wrong. I don’t remember how the teacher responded to me, but I just remember I felt so embarrassed for being wrong because it felt like I was being treated differently than someone else who had gotten the answer wrong. So, it is kind of hand in hand “I’m scared to be embarrassed and wrong” but also “I don’t want to bother the person by constantly asking for help”.

So, with that being said, it’s SO hard for me to ask questions. I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time by always asking if I’m doing something right, by asking for clarification. I volunteered at an event this past weekend, and I kinda understood what I had to do, but I asked a question to clarify something anyways. Basic scenario was, “Hey, handing out Bundle A is for showing up and adding on Item B is with a purchase on the receipt? Or is the Item B in Bundle A the initial purchase, and more Item B’s are for additional purchases.” I asked because Item B was a part of Bundle A, but people could get extras with purchase. I was told check the receipts, Bundle A’s are one per person, and Item B’s are one per purchase, valid for up to four purchases. So, I was handing out Bundle A, and adding on Item B with every purchase I checked out. I then get a tap on my shoulder saying, “Wait, no, you’re handing out too much.” and I was like, “Oh... Shit, I’m sorry” and I fixed it. Yea, honest mistake, but the way I was told I was being wrong made me feel really bad?? I guess it’s because it was kinda in front of other people, and I was anxious enough as is. 

And then at work, my director tells me to do things, and that I can get certain documents from other people, so I go email them. But then other tasks come up, and I have to talk to them again for a different reason, so I send a separate email because the subject matter is different. It just so happens to be within the same time frame I’m working on all these things, so it’s like I’m sending multiple emails at once, and I already feel bad and awkward enough as it is because I am aware that everyone has their own shit to do already. I ask my director a lot of questions to just clarify or make sure I’m doing something okay, or doing enough, and she’s been super open to letting me ask questions and I really appreciate that. My last job, I was just barely getting comfortable with asking for help, so this was a helpful environment.

I may have come across another employee’s twitter while trying to follow some news from today, and I was curious to see what kind of person they are since I don’t talk to them much at work and their Twitter was public. I scrolled through a few tweets and I see one that was complaining about too many emails from one person, so I checked the date, and I checked my correspondence with them, and I had emailed them twice I think? Within that same day, or at least, I had emailed them multiple times within a short time frame. And my stomach just immediately dropped, and now I’m too anxious to really ever email that person ever again unless it’s like, once a month. 

The sad part on that is that I was hoping to work under that employee to learn about their department, but now I’m too scared because I know I’d be constantly emailing/asking them questions and they also had a tweet that said “if I have to micromanage you as an employee, you do not want me as your boss” and I just-- I got scared.  

So, I was basically just having my typical shoujo anime lens thoughts about my ex again and this time, I was just thinking about like, “What if we had a conversation about our breakup? Maybe I can learn something more from it for my current relationship” and I just pictured us meeting up and talking casually and growing from a conversation about our breakup. 

At first I was gonna write out a piece of fiction, almost like journaling, but just storytiming my imagination. But then I decided I was finally gonna go back into my messenger conversations with my ex and go look up the cringy things I said because I KNOW I said some stupid shit. I was thinking I could look those up and see his replies because I don’t remember them clearly and maybe there was something in the replies about our breakup. 

I discovered several things, none of which I was looking for.

I discovered that none of his replies to my nonsense had anything to do with me, but just his personal reasons of wanting a breakup. 

I discovered that I was WAY too lucky to keep him for a friend as long as I did during that time period because I was psycho.

I discovered that I was way more psycho than I remembered and I probably blocked that out for good reason.

And I discovered that he was thankfully so chill and was honestly such a great friend to me during that time and actually kept his promise of saying he loved me as a friend and that I could always come to him. 

Like, I remember that we talked sometimes after our breakup, but I had no idea it was so casual and so often that I’m kind of shocked how much we were talking. I’m sure I have some old posts about how I must’ve felt while we were talking, but now that I’m not in that state of mind anymore, I’m pretty amazed.

He dealt with my psycho ass sending him paragraph after paragraph of saying I miss him and I want to still be with him, and he still kept normal, casual, playful friend conversation with me after that. Like, if one of my friends had an ex like me, and they showed me all the shit I was saying, I would’ve been telling them to RUN for it because I (as an ex) needed space and being so close and friendly probably was not a good thing.

BUT HONESTLY.

This kinda gives me a little bit of closure to what I was thinking, and it kinda really showed me, there was nothing wrong with me during our relationship, it was just not his time to be in one. (There was clearly a lot wrong with me AFTER the fact, but that’s not the point rn... Kek). So, I guess I don’t have a lot to learn about myself from that past relationship at all, I did things fine, maybe I was a little too overly anxious, which I already knew, but it just wasn’t time for him. 

But I also have questions like, how the hell did he deal with my psychopathic ass as a friend after the breakup, like, I thought I had patience for crazy, but he definitely wins now. And I think I’ve gained a newfound appreciation for being able to be friends with my ex. Because I was an absolute nutcase, but he still called me his best friend for a little bit. 

2 dreams.

I had a dream you wanted to get back together. I haven’t had one of those dreams in so many years. Hell, I haven’t dreamed about you in so many years at all. But this just came out of nowhere, and I was confused. I was confused because you went through my current SO. In the dream, you went through my current SO, told him you still loved me and you were on your way to tell me. He just shrugged and let you go by him. I woke up right as you approached me and told me that you wanted me back. I guess my SO was letting you past to see what I would do. See if I’d stay faithful and see if I’ve really put my all into our relationship, or if I’m still thinking with one foot out the door. 

It’s crazy because sometimes I do think I’m still thinking with one foot out the door, but other times, I just say, “No, don’t think like that. It’s too hard to tell. Just enjoy what you have now, and go with it.” Sometimes one thought wins, and sometimes the other does. I guess I had this dream during thoughts of having one foot out the door in my relationship.

Another dream. An old friend. You reached out to me and wanted to check up on me. You apologized for everything that’s happened between us and wanted to hang out and catch up. I apologized for what I said to you, about you. We never did get to catch up. We only messaged online, and then I woke up.

I was feeling a bit nostalgic tonight, I thought it’d be fun to go through some old posts and type things up here again.

I don’t know what influences me anymore. I don’t know what influences my thoughts anymore.

When my boyfriend and I got back together, we agreed that our relationship will stay between us. Yes, we both have our support system of friends, but ultimately, who and what dictates our relationship will be us.

What sucks?

1. I’m a stupid-ass, hopeless romantic that claims I’m simple and I don’t want a lot from a relationship or for myself, but I also crave the entire world (and the fact that I type sentences like “craving the entire world” is a good gauge of how heavily I can romanticize something). 

2. Due to the events leading up to the breakup, the breakup itself, and the events and emotions following thereafter, I have a few friends who may or may not question the character of my boyfriend and whether or not we’re good together. And that just makes the whole, “our relationship is just us” thing very difficult. Ex. My close friend came over earlier today and asked, “How are you and your boyfriend?” and when I said that we were doing whatever (because I wasn’t feeling great, so I just kinda said whatever), he responded with, “Ah, damn”. I asked him, “What? Were you hoping for a, ‘Terrible. I hate him’ response?” and he replied, “YES”. Like, I highkey know he’s being sarcastic, but I also know he kinda sorta absolutely hates my boyfriend. So when your close friend hates the person you’re dating, and your boyfriend starts to dislike your close friend as well, EMOTIONS AND THOUGHTS GET MESSY.

3. I don’t know what I want in a relationship anymore. I don’t know how to feel in a relationship anymore. I just... don’t know. The problem is, there shouldn’t really be a defined right or wrong answer, right? It’s all feelings, vibes, and emotions tied to the people in the relationship. Like, one couple’s idea of a cute adventure date might not suit another. Or someone’s idea of love will be different than another’s. And because of all of those differences in opinions and my very, very weak mind, I don’t know what to think anymore. It’s as if I’m scared to have my own opinion because it won’t match another person’s, mainly my friends’. Ex. One thing I value a lot with SOs is that my friend’s and family’s opinions matter to me. Getting “approval” from them, so to speak. With my close friends kinda sorta thinking my boyfriend is an asshole because of the breakup and my family being somewhat judgmental Asians (constantly telling me that I need to whip my boyfriend into shape), I get the vibe that, you know, I probably shouldn’t be with him. The problem here is that I also want to not care about their opinion of him because I love him, I know how he treats me, and I like how I feel when I’m with him. The sense of comfort he can provide me, the smiles he gives me, all of that. And then that causes stupid cognitive dissonance in my stupid mind because my value is, “getting friends and family approval” while my actions are, “not listening to their thoughts”. Like, ultimately, everything comes down to me and my decisions, but I’m so scared that I’m losing the respect of my friends and family if I stay with someone they dislike, you know? 

3.5. And with that, I don’t know if I’m settling. If my friends and family insist that I can do better, can I really? And then comes the internet. All of those posts and articles and other shit that say, “Don’t settle” or “If your SO does this, it’s over” or “Get someone who treats you like a queen everyday” or “If you feel unhappy, don’t go back” and all of that. It’s stuff like that that makes me think, “Am I settling right now??? Am I only sticking through this relationship because I’m so scared to put myself out there again? Are my insecurities so much that I don’t want to go through being single again and risk not having anyone love or care about me? Or am I fine where I am because I truly believe in this relationship, in the person I love, and in myself?” I keep constantly feeling insecure about myself and my relationship and how it could get others to view me. Like, if my friends don’t like him, what if they talk shit behind my back and comment on how stupid I am for staying with him? If my family doesn’t like him, what if they do the same? What do his friends think of me?? Again, seeing posts on the internet about how being friends with your SOs friends is so important and if your SO can’t get along with your friends, your relationship is like, gonna die, makes me think about how his friends might view me (especially when I don’t see them very often, so I either (a) forget their name or ever meeting them or (b) never know how to talk or interact with them because I don’t know what kind of people they are). I get so worried that his friends see me as just “that quiet girl” or something and that they wonder why he doesn’t date someone who’s more outgoing and sociable.

3.75. And then those insecurities of me worrying about what other people think of me just kinda reflect onto my own insecurities of, “What if I’m too awkward and quiet? Is that weird? Is he okay dating someone who’s so quiet and boring? What if his friends don’t like me because of that?” I’m usually really quiet, I really don’t talk much or have a lot of meaningful conversations with people. So when I read posts about outgoing people or sharing comfortable silences with others, I just kinda... explode in insecurities. Like, for car rides, I’m fine with just driving and listening to the radio, and sometimes if I’m not driving, I would wanna sleep (even for a 5 minute drive to the top of the parking structure). But then I wonder, is everyone else in the car okay with this?? Is it okay for me to fall asleep and leave the driver alone? Is it okay for me as the driver to not be talking to my passengers for the entire trip?? So, then I question all of my actions and become insecure about that.

4. As a summary from the other 3.75 points, the internet is literally just growing my insecurities for me. I feel like if I don’t do things a certain way, then it’s just wrong and I will just end up driving people away from me. I’m scared to be my own person, to have my own opinions, to stand up for myself. I project myself onto others, I spread myself so thin to so many social groups, to have so many surface level relationships, that I don’t even know how to have friends anymore. I’m so insecure about my friendships (yes, even my friendships with my bestest and closest of friends) because I feel like I just don’t know how to talk to people anymore. I feel like my friends are so lively around each other, and have so much fun, but when it comes to being around me, we’re just chilling and it’s like a whatever time. And I just blame myself for that. And I’m scared that because I see my friends so little, and that we have just kinda whatever times together, they’ll realize that and just get bored and leave or we just kinda drift away because I just suck at communicating. 

I keep telling myself that I want a break from social media but I can’t because I’m so involved in my organization and all these other events, that I have to stay on and keep up my forms of communication. But honestly, I think I’m also afraid of just not being caught up and up to date with certain events and memes or whatever that I truly won’t know how to talk to people and I don’t want people to just be like, “Oh, you don’t know about ___?” and treat me like I’m a dumbass. 

I just want to get off the internet and social media because I honestly think that’s why I’ve become so insecure and “weak minded” with myself. 

I used to be so good at not caring. I used to embrace the “fuck what others think” mindset while still being able to maintain a good image of myself that others respect, but more importantly, an image that I loved of myself.

I used to love myself more than this. And I don’t know what happened other than the fact that I’ve had two relationships, and I’ve been online a lot more often than before. 

I want to be able to go back to who I was. I might have grown from some experiences, but I’ve also lost myself, and I want to find her again. The me who was strong and wasn’t tired of it. The me who loved herself and didn’t care if someone else didn’t. The me who loved her body for what it was and didn’t care about all of the “flab”. The me who was confident. 

It’s funny how... Everyone around me is growing so much. Loving themselves more, becoming more confident, becoming less anxious, and doing what’s good for them. While I’m here going backwards, drowning in my insecurities, probably destroying myself with my anxiety, and slowly feeling like I’m just wasting away as a useless human being. I’ve been going hella backwards, and it’s a really bad trip. 

I couldn’t help but cry after talking to my friends about my stupid emotions.

I decided that I wouldn’t hold back this time around, and I called my boyfriend to talk to him, to just hear his voice, to hear him try and comfort me and tell me things I needed to hear from his voice.

I told him that I was scared of feeling like this. Scared of my insecurities, scared of talking to him like this and trying to get comfort from him because it was talks like this that made him leave me the first time. It’s so hard to push my insecurities down because of our breakup. I’m just so scared of feeling like this that I think that if I can’t hold it back or fix myself, he’d just leave me again because that’s what made him leave the first time.

Honestly, whether or not he and I got back together, I would probably feel this way regardless. If this feeling is what made someone leave me, what’s stopping others from doing so? So, it’s not even the fact that it’s him again, it’s just... Insecurities.

So, after we say good night and hang up, I just... Kept crying.

I was outside in the front yard, crying on our walkway. I didn’t want to make noise inside the house.

I heard someone close the front doors, and I got worried that I was locked out, so I rushed to the door to go inside, which means I didn’t take the time to wipe my tears, breathe, and calm down before going inside.

My mom is in the kitchen, and she sees the look on my face when I walk inside, and asks me, “What’s wrong? Why are you crying? Who hurt you?”

I try to brush her away, tell her that I’ll be fine, I talked to my boyfriend on the phone already, and all of that, but she wouldn’t stop asking, “Who hurt you?”

I finally tell her that no one hurt me, I’m just sad. I had a bad mental day and I was sad, I hurt me. I did this to me. I explained to her that I didn’t have enough energy today to protect myself from these thoughts and insecurities that are hurting me now.

She kept saying she understood. “1. Ignore it. or 2. Be brave.” I’m so sick of trying to be strong, be brave, enduring the issue. And ignoring it only adds to it because my cycle of ignoring it, not doing anything about it, and then having shit pile up on me is stupidly annoying. 

I wanted to believe her that she understood, she’s been through this kind of anxiety before, even worse. But we’re all different. My mom and I are from 2 different generations, and honestly, even two different cultures. It’s hard to believe that she really understood, but I do appreciate her wanting to know, wanting to reach out and talk to me.