I think, therefore I am.

Post 8: Major Depressive Disorder and Calling Out Of Work

May 13, 2025

My doctor said that all my blood work came back normal, just some elevated blood cell counts that point towards stress. We had a real talk about my moods and how I've been feeling, which led to talks about my suicidal thoughts. My doctor said all signs point towards depression. Did you know elevated levels of stress and depression can trigger hair loss? I sure didn't. Doc decided to prescribe me some antidepressants and she’s hoping that will help fix some of my other issues as well. All I know is I want to feel better. I think I’ve always had issues like this, but the older I get the more it seems to affect me. When I was a kid I managed to work through things because the alternative was showing how much I was struggling and getting punished for it. Now I’m an adult and I don’t have the ability to “fake it till I make it” anymore. Hopefully in a few months I’ll feel better. I’m praying this first dose will be enough and it won’t be an endless struggle to find the right medication.

My doctor also recommended a few therapists for me to talk to. I was so upset by the time I got out to my car that I sat and cried for 30 minutes about the entire situation. After I finally managed to make myself stop I texted my boss to tell her I would be unable to come in to work today. I feel like a total dick ditching all my coworkers like that, but I knew there’d be no way I’d be able to get through the day without crying like a baby more. I hate crying at work, it’s so embarrassing. I actually cried at work the other day (one of the days that I didn’t write anything) and I was mortified when my coworker caught me. So yeah I refused to go to work today.

Cheers to trying to get better.

Sincerely,

Post 7: Suicidal thoughts and getting help

May 12, 2025

Post 6: Storms, Work, Sleep, and Fears

Apr. 29, 2025

Today was a crazy start! We are officially in storm season and I could for sure tell that this morning! I had to call my boss to let her know I’d be coming in late because the wind was so bad I was scared it would blow me off the road. Power lines and trees are downed all over the area. A few businesses had large signs bent and lights blown out. A few businesses had their windows and doors blown out, I feel bad for them. That’s a. Lot of money to have to pay suddenly.

Ended up being about 20 minutes late for work and it honestly made me really mad that I even had to be there. My work also switched over to a new system so I’m kind of mad about that. My bosses said it was to make things “easier” but it doesn’t seem any easier to me. Seems like it just makes things easier for other people that don’t have to deal with day to day processes….

I’ve noticed recently that I’m a really negative person and that I should probably try and be nicer and more positive but it’s really hard. I think I was raised to be a rather negative person and I think it’s really starting to affect me. I need to try and start being more positive but I’m so burnt out and I don’t know if I have the energy to be a “team player”. I think my coworkers are starting to hate me and I don’t like the idea of that. I think most of my coworkers are good people and I’d rather have good relationships with them.

I don’t know. Maybe I should try harder. The older I get the more mean I get. I think by the time I’m 60 I’m going to be one of those ladies that bitch about everything that no one likes. I don’t want to be that lady.

Maybe if I got more sleep I’m have more patience for the people around me. I’m so tired. I need to sleep more, but sometimes I have trouble sleeping. Sometimes I willfully refuse to sleep and I don’t know why I do it. Maybe it’s because I feel like I don’t have enough time for all my hobbies and fun stuff after work so I need to stay up later to make it up to myself. I don’t know honestly.

Anyway that’s all I have for the day.

Sincerely,

Post 5: Boring Day & Planning

Apr. 28, 2025

Honestly today was really boring, I didn’t really do anything big. I went to work and did my own thing. It felt nice to actually get some work done today, rather than constantly get pulled away by my boss and coworkers to help them with their tasks. Before you ask, no I didn’t do my laundry. I’m a dirty rotten liar I guess. Oh well!

I just got home and fed the dog. She desperately needs to go to the groomer. I’ll try and call them tomorrow and see if they have any openings on Thursday or Friday when I’m off work to get her cleaned. She’s a stinky girl. The dog and the cat are both laying on me right now, it’s very warm and honestly it’s making me really sleepy.

I’m going to spend my night working on some social media stuff. I mentioned yesterday I offered to start running social media accounts for my local civic group so I want to make sure I have some plans and things ready for them in case they contact me for a meeting to further go over my ideas. I’m planning on making a month’s work of planned post for Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, and YouTube so they see the kinds of things I’m hoping to do for them. If they do agree to let me do it I’ll have to make sure to keep track of engagement statistics and stuff like that so I can give them a monthly report (they do monthly meetings to go over business) and I’m sure they’ll want to know how engagement is going.

Technically they have someone that’s in charge of technology and someone that’s in charge of Public Relations, but neither has made any social media because both of them are very old.

Honestly I just want to get into this kind of stuff. I’m unmarried, not in any relationship (and I’m starting to think I never will be), I have no family, I have 1 friend. I just need something extra to fill my time with. I don’t think I’ll ever have kids to carry on my memory or anything, so the least I can do if work for my community so maybe the people around me will remember me more. That probably sounds really selfish, but that’s just what I want.

If y’all know any social media trends happening right now let me know so I can plan posts that are on trend right now.

I’ll honestly find it really funny if I’m successful at this. My boss told me it was a waste of time to make any social media besides a facebook; so I’ll laugh if I help them start to generate a good following and regular income from this.

Anyway I’m gonna end it here and go eat ice cream.

Sincerely,

Post 4: Lazy Sunday and Getting Involved In My Community

Apr. 27, 2025

I woke up early but I didn’t do anything big today. Didn’t even do my laundry, I’ll do it tomorrow! I just didn’t feel like doing any chores today, wanted to relax. I’m off for a few days next week and I’ll spend them playing catch up on the stuff I need to do. Note to self: Clean the bathroom, clean the kitchen, clean my bedroom.

I did go to a meeting with a local civic group to talk about possibly creating and running various social media accounts for them so they can build up a bigger audience outside of our small town. I pitched them some ideas as well as the best case scenario, which is that they get enough of a following that they can start getting money from it to help support their organization. They seemed very interested and said they would further discuss it and get back to me. They usually take months to discuss things so I’m probably not going to hear back from them for a long time, which is fine. Gives me time to prepare some ideas for the first few months. I’m excited about this honestly, it gives me more to do besides sit around on my ass at home thinking about how shitty my life. It’s a good thing, and I’m excited about it.

Anyway that’s all I did today.

Sincerely,

Post 3: Work and Dog sitting

Apr. 26th, 2025

Today was a good day. I actually slept, dreams and all! And they were good dreams, not scary dreams. I managed to get myself out of bed to get ready for work and then get to work on time for the first time in a really long time. I worked with my best friend today which meant the time flew by and I wasn’t bored. While one annoying customer did come in it didn’t matter because even that wasn’t enough to ruin my day.

After work I came over to a friend’s house to watch her dog. Her dog is very old and very sick and she hates to leave her alone for too long. I feel bad for the poor thing, she looks so uncomfortable but my friend can’t bring herself to put her down. She says it feels wrong to put the old girl down when she still has so much life in her. She told me when the vet finally says that she’s in a lot of pain that she’ll put her down, but I think the poor thing is in pain now. All she does when I watch her was sleep and listen to hallmark movies. My friend leaves the hallmark channel on for the dog when she goes out because she said she thinks the noise and tone of voices soothes her. I’d believe it. Even sitting here writing this I feel soothed…..and lowkey interested in the movie. Something about a baseball player and a mom that’s too busy doing business to watch her kid or something idk. But I’m watching. It’s pretty funny.

I think for lunch/dinner I’m going to have Mexican food. I’m craving rice and cheese and chicken. Honestly right now I’m so hungry I’m craving basically anything.

I have plans to play some games with friends later tonight and then honestly I’m probably just going to work on some art or practice writing.

Not a lot to report today, I hope tomorrow is just as good.

Sincerely,

Post 2: Work frustrations

Apr. 25th, 2025

Today my boss made me go to some stupid meeting I didn’t want to go to. Basically made me stand around doing nothing for an hour while everyone talked around me. Only reason my boss even made me go was because she has a personal vendetta against the person hosting the meeting and wanted to bring a posse with her to make it look like she’d more important than she is. It’s pathetic really. I could have done so many more important things. It really set me up for an annoying start to an annoying day. I’m honestly so tired of my boss. I really like my job but she makes it unbearable most of the time. She’s obsessed with making herself look good. I think the power has gone to her annoying head.

After I finished the stupid meeting I went back to work and was immediately met with annoying customers. Working in customer service sucks so much and it sucks even more when you have to sit there and hold someone’s hand to talk them through basic paperwork. It wouldn’t be so bad if they would LISTEN to me when I try and explain things but they always try and act like they know what they’re doing and then they do it wrong and get mad at me when I call them out on it. I’m sorry old lady??? Maybe just let me explain how to do things before you try and suddenly take action? You came to me for help so let me help you? Needless to say I rolled my eyes a lot today.

I honestly wish I could just work for myself. I daydream sometimes about starting my own business. I love art, I’m an artist. I love making art. I’d love to open a gallery and have a second hand art supply shop. I went to one a few towns over and I loved it. I thought it was so cool that I could just fill up a bag of whatever and then take it home. I found so many cool little things to use in my art there. I wish I could open one in my town. I’ll never be able to, but I dream about it. Or I wish I could be a trust fund kid. I know some of them have crappy lives and no amount of money will make them feel better about it, but god would it be great to get to sit on my behind cry to mommy and daddy to pay for things for me.

I’m honestly just so tired of working. I want to stop working. I don’t like working. I was made to sit on my butt and do fun little hobbies all day, not sit in an office setting tired out of my mind slowly stressing over if I’m doing enough to not get fired.

I wish I could open an art shop.

Sincerely,

Post 1: Nightmares and Lack Of Sleep

Apr 24, 2025

I had a dream last night that the man that raised me came to my work and shot me. I woke up shaking, heart pounding and I felt like I could still feel where I’d been shot. A few years ago I tried to go to therapy and she told me I have PTSD, I thought she was stupid. I guess the joke is on me.

I don’t even know why I dreamt about him. I haven’t seen him in over a year since I was awarded the restraining order. I don’t know. It woke me up unbelievable early in the morning and I couldn’t get myself to calm down enough to go back to sleep. I was jumpy all day at work. Every time the door opened I thought “oh god is it happening?” I don’t know, that’s probably crazy. The only time I finally relaxed was when I got home and now I’m just so tired.

I wish I could just say that I’m tired because I barely slept, but I’m just tired in general all the time lately. I have a doctor’s appointment next month and I’m going to push for more tests because it feels like I can never get enough sleep, and the nightmares aren’t helping. I slept for 14 hours a few weeks ago, woke up for a few hours, and then went back to bed again. My roommate was concerned and asked if I was depressed. I don’t think I’m depressed, I think something is wrong with me medically. I mean my hair is falling out for Christ’s sake. No way it’s not a medical issue. Of course it might just be because I’m getting older and I eat like shit. Maybe if I had a healthier lifestyle I wouldn’t be falling apart.

In other news today I had to drive past my old school and saw the tree they planted for the kid that died. I cried on my way home about it. I wasn’t even friends with him but every time I see it I can’t help but cry. It was horrible when it happened but now that I’m older I can’t help but think about the fact that he was only a few years younger than me. He never got the chance to do anything and that makes me so sad. His family must miss him. I wonder sometimes if my family would love me enough to plant a tree somewhere, but I figure they wouldn’t. It would be a quiet affair I’m sure. I don’t mean to talk about death. I’m not going to kill myself or anything, but I’m sure that’s what it sounds like. Sorry about that.

I’m not depressed. I’m just tired and emotional. Always tired and emotional. I must have some kind of hormone imbalance or something. I don’t know. I don’t even know why I’m fully writing this. My former therapist suggested keeping a journal but I couldn’t never bring myself to write things down. I guess I didn’t see a reason for writing it if no one was ever going to read it. For me I need people to know what’s happening in my brain, because god knows I can’t bring myself to share anything like this with the people around me. I feel like if I don’t keep everything that makes me sad or worried locked down then I’m a failure and they’ll all get tired of me and then leave me. Maybe that’s a bit much for an online journal. I don’t know. I’m just so tired.

I guess I’ll end it here otherwise I’ll keep rambling.

Sincerely,