"I have to tell you something" Remus said nervously.
It had been a peaceful evening. Remus was silently reading in bed. Sirius was laying on his belly next to him, just doing some doodles as he usually did.
It was Remus's mind that wasn't peaceful. Not since they started this confusing thing. One second, Remus and Sirius were normal like now, best friends hanging out without a problem. But then the next second they were kissing the hell out of each other's mouths as if the world was ending. Touching everywhere. As long as they were alone and nobody saw them, that was.
It was confusing for Remus. But it was too good to question it. He had learnt to take the little Sirius could give him. Because he was too much into it to stop.
Remus took a deep breath. Better get it out of his chest.
"Remember I disappeared to Hogsmeade the other day? And I said I was hanging with the girls?"
Sirius continued to draw without a problem.
"I lied" Remus added "I was actually on a date"
If someone could call that terrible moment a date. Remus had accepted to go out with Andrew only because the girls insisted they could go well together. And Remus wasn't blind. The bloke was nice to look at.
The actual truth was that he had tried to give himself a chance to get over Sirius. Because it didn't matter what they did behind closed doors, Sirius would never feel the same way. He had said many times that he didn't fall in love. He was a free spirit.
Right now, Remus saw his friend tensing. And that kind of made him regret saying anything. Sirius turned to face him, he looked confused.
"A date? You're joking, right?"
Remus shook his head. Something about Sirius's expression made him want to get him jealous. So he carried on.
"With who?" Sirius asked.
"His name is Andrew. He is Dorcas' ballet trainer" Remus explained.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I'm telling you now, aren't I?"
Sirius didn't comment so Remus continued "You know how the girls are obsessed with finding me a boyfriend, right? So they set us up... Because he is gay and I am gay..."
"I don't have to ask you for permission, right?"
"Of course not" Sirius faked a smile.
"But anyway, it didn't work out. It was actually the worst date I've ever been in" he ended with a little chuckle.
It was his first date ever, actually. And it hadn't been a good experience.
Remus's heart belonged to Sirius. It had been that way for a long time. But maybe he thought he could move on. Big mistake.
Sirius finally blinked, telling Remus he was alive and he was reacting.
"Why? What happened?" Sirius moved to take a seat next to Remus, looking directly at him, interested in his story.
"First of all we didn't have much in common... So it was an awkward conversation..."
"Wait, where did you go?"
"Anyway" Remus sighed "I spilled my drink on him twice"
That made Sirius finally giggle.
"Twice?" He chuckled "Oh Moony..." He added amused "What were you drinking?"
Remus blushed in embarrassment.
Sirius snorted "Bloke's clothes totally ruined, let me tell you"
Remus gasped "Amm thank you very much..."
"The bloke must hate you" Sirius teased.
"I would hate for my date to ruin my clothes..."
Sirius continued to giggle. Remus didn't know how to take it. He had dreamed of a more evidently jealous reaction. Something.
"Are you going to see him again?"
"No" Remus shook his head again "At the end he was not interested. Said he doesn't like trans guys, so..."
Sirius's smile was erased from his face.
"He truly said that?" He asked. Remus nodded "What a twat!?"
It had been disappointing. Andrew wasn't someone Remus actually fancied. But Remus had had hope that maybe he could be a good way to get over Sirius. Start something new and perhaps fall in love with someone who would feel the same. Someone that would be proud to be gay not deny it like Sirius did.
"What an absolute twat!?" Sirius exclaimed.
"It's okay. I get that I am not very handsome or manly enough for people"
"Bullshit!" Sirius snapped angrily.
"Remus, you are very manly and very handsome, okay?" Sirius faced him "You are amazing! So funny and interesting and good looking. And if that wanker didn't want to see it, it's his loss"
Remus felt like his face was in fire. His heart beating fast. Why did Sirius sound so honest and sure? Like he believed every word he was saying.
"You're a catch, Moons" Sirius smiled "Truly"
Remus felt like he couldn't breathe properly.
"Fuck off" he smiled. Sirius let out a little laugh.
Then it happened again. An intense moment of staring. Surely they resolved these moments by kissing lately. But Remus didn't ignore them. They felt real. Sirius's eyes traveled through his face as if he was something wonderful. Sometimes Remus felt pretty under that gaze. But still it wasn't enough to clarify something for Remus.
"Can I ask you something?" Remus decided to change the subject. Looking away.
"Why haven't you dated any girl lately?"
Sirius raised an eyebrow "Ha?"
"I mean what we do... Is not... We are not exclusive, right?"
Maybe it was all in Remus's head but he saw Sirius clenching his chin.
"So... You used to date girls as a sport..."
"Don't exaggerate" Sirius rolled his eyes.
"Well you at least flirted with someone every day..." Remus smiled, although the memory of it hurt him "Why did you stop?"
Sirius looked down. He started playing with the rings on his fingers. Was he nervous or uncomfortable about something?
"I... I told you I just want to be with my friends this year. I don't fancy having to endure a relationship right now" Sirius explained without looking at Remus "I don't know..."
Remus nodded. Maybe it was this thing that happened with his family over the summer. Maybe he was busy or too distressed to date or have someone in his life.
It couldn't be that he was only thinking about Remus. Not like Remus was only thinking about him. And no Andrew or anyone could make Remus stop loving Sirius.
"I just think it is weird..."
"Why?" Sirius spat, sounding a bit angry "Do you want me to get with someone?"
"Is it because you want to date other blokes? Have a boyfriend? Because we could stop with whatever we are doing..."
"No!' Remus exclaimed desperately. Then he felt embarrassed about it "I don't want it to end. I... I like what we do"
"No" Sirius answered with a shrug "I like it too"
Remus was relieved. And hopeful again.
"I mean I don't want a relationship as I said"
They looked into each other's eyes until they found it funny and broke into a smile.
"Do you promise to tell me if you fancy another bloke, right?" Sirius asked shyly.
'I fancy you, you blind twat' Remus thought 'So bloody much'
"Yeah of course" he said instead, faking a smile.
Sirius scooped closer, making Remus's heart jump inside his chest.
"Maybe it is a good thing we haven't found someone" he said as he touched Remus's collarbone playfully "I am not ready to give up on your lips yet"
Sirius leaned for a kiss and Remus responded easily. It was quick and soft but still gave Remus goosebumps.
"Plus I am saving poor boys' clothes from being stained by your chocolate milkshake" Sirius added after the kiss.
"Ha, ha,ha... Very funny"
Sirius smiled. Remus too.
"I don't know that Andrew bloke but I know you are too good for him" Sirius said ". He didn't deserve you. You are amazing"
Remus was so doomed. He was completely in love with this boy and everything he said. Remus believed him. If Sirius said he was enough he saw himself as enough.
Remus kissed him this time and Sirius responded eagerly. This kiss was more passionate than the last one. They opened their mouths tasting each other's tongues which drove Remus crazy.
YES! His mind was screaming IF IT ISO PERFECT WITH HIM WHY ARE YOU LOOKING FOR SOMEONE ELSE?
No one could make him feel the way Sirius did. No one.
