HopeElisabth

I’ve literally been small my entire life. I was born a pound and a half and spent the first 2 months of my life in a incubator because…..you guessed it. I was too small to go home and even when I was finally released all my diapers, clothes, and booties were too big.

I rarely talk about my weight with people because I’m 30 years old and I weigh 101 pounds and that’s on a heavy I ate three full meals day while also working out consistently. I’ve struggled with my size because I’m this grown women stuck in a 15 year old body. When I bring up my struggle to gain weight with friends, coworkers and family members its always met with a unsolicited joke about taking some of their extra weight that they can’t and sometimes choose not to get rid of. That statement is neither funny nor does it solve the issue at hand. Friends will always tell me to eat more or “just lift weights” but that’s not the answer for most of us with high metabolisms. In the time it takes us to gain the weight it will be lost just as fast or faster if consistency is not taking place.

I’m accepting that this is my body and its going to be small no matter how many cheeseburgers I eat or squats I complete. Skinny shaming is a real thing and we can feel just as ashamed of our flat stomachs that come with just skin and bones. Most of my friends have gained weight, lost it and gained it again, while I have held steady at 98 to 101 pounds since 9th grade. The most I’ve ever weighed was 108 pounds and I felt horrible. I was having headaches and just generally not feeling good all the time. This happened consistently for about 3 weeks and I immediately changed my diet and cut out all the junk food and fast food and within 2 weeks I was back down to my normal weight and I felt healthy.

I’ve always enjoyed working out and running but I find myself sometimes ashamed at the gym because I am usually the smallest person in the room. I don’t workout for health reason. I workout for mental health reasons. It’s a place to release the anxiety and stress that hovers over me daily and this was before the year 2020 started. I workout now literally to keep my sanity.

I say all this to say that just because someone is skinny doesn’t mean they don’t eat and just because someone is fat doesn’t mean they are unhealthy. God made us and we are all beautiful and it takes some of us a little longer to see the truth in his wonderful creations.

"Being single is not a disease. Being single is a gift. Being single is a heavenly calling."  -- Pastor Taffi Dollar

I called myself going to church on Wednesday night for numerous reason. I hadn't been to my church home in weeks and I tend miss it when I'm away for any length of time. Sidenote : I sat next to a crackhead. She was saved and sanctified, but to make a long story short she was a crackhead and she upset several people around her. Any who, I struggled through praise & worship which has been a normal occurrence with everything that has taken place in my life lately. I attend World Changers Church International and I have attended this church all of my life. Pastor Taffi comes out and begins to teach. Her message for the night is a continuation of "Grace to Change". Cool. I'm listening and taking notes. Well I was looking up information on my phone about the Apostle Paul during that time but that is between me and the Holy Spirit.  While listening and taking notes she all of sudden starts talking about being single and the single life. It probably wasn't all of sudden but it felt like it.  I ain't gone lie I felt attacked on May 2, 2018 around 7:40 p.m.  "Being single is not a disease. Being single is a gift. Being single is a heavenly calling". Pastor Taffi repeated this statement more than three times for the people in the back and I instantly became furious. 

"Being single is not a disease. Being single is a gift. Being single is a heavenly calling."  -- Pastor Taffi Dollar

Ladies and Gentlemen I got so mad at that statement I decided to write it down. Yes, anger made me write it down. I almost started crying right there in the middle of her message because I wanted to raise my hand so bad and ask one simple question. If being single isn't a disease then why does it feel like a disease. Why does it feel bad to be single? I can barely hang with the few friends I have because I don't want to feel like the fifth or seventh wheel. I have read and had people tell me that I have to find a whole new set of friends because I am single. Where is the fairness in that? Guys when I left that bookstore and made it to my car. I called my friend Grace and did the unthinkable out loud. I questioned God's plan for my singleness.  My problem isn't that I don't believe what she said on that pulpit. My problem is that everyone in my age group I know is married or on their way to being married. I don't hear any REAL single women saying these things. What I mean by real single women is never been married and no kids. Where are these women? Do they exist? Is it just me and Grace??

These incredible and powerful women are living out God's Will for their life everyday and they are married to these great men of God and having kids but telling me that singleness isn't a disease. HOW SWAY?! I cried and screamed on the phone talking to my friend. I dropped a curse word or two in the midst of my rant because being single sucks and if I JUST have to be single it would be nice to experience the good parts of my singleness. I want to see God move in life but its like I'm stuck in this same box. This life I live isn't God's Will and I know it but their is nobody that has walked in my shoes to show me what to do. I don't know one single CHRISTIAN woman that hasn't been married, doesn't have kids , and isn't in a relationship. Does this woman exist?

Where is God and where is my husband? 

GOD WHAT DO YOU WANT TO ME DO? 

WHAT IS MY PURPOSE?

I've been made to feel bad about my singleness my entire life, but I don't know what to do about being single. I am 2 years away from 30 and I get the looks that a) question my sexuality b) start counting the eggs left in my womb.  Where are the real single women? Are they happy? Are they living out God's Will for their life? How do I live this out the right way?

Thank God that I know at least one person that knows a bible verse or two because I startled to spiral at the thought of "Singleness being a heavenly calling" You mean this might be forever!!! Jesus, help me! As hard as it is for me to admit this I know I am single and lonely. I know that is not how God intended for it to be. Grace(pun intended) reminded me that we have to use the things we go through to help others. I don't know exactly what I'm learning right now to help somebody else, but I got three bible verse out of it. 

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake.  - Deut. 31:6

So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised.                    - Heb. 10:35-36

The temptations in your life are no different from what others experience. And God is faithful. He will not allow the temptation to be more than you can stand. When you are tempted, he will show you a way out so that you can endure.  - 1 Corinth. 10:13

Now I'm on search for the single women. We have to link up and encourage one another.  I feel alone in this because I am not dating or actively looking for a husband. At 28, I am pretty sure I don't even know how to date. 

 I want it to all be God. I don't want to wonder/question and compromise my worth and body like I've done in the past. I want my next union to be God-ordained and God-constructed.  

Honestly, I've strayed away from God lately because I've felt forgotten. Feeling invisible is a constant battle and I want to be seen by Him. Please see my heart God and see the hearts of the women that have made mistakes but in the end always wanted to do it your way. Help us Lord and give us strength.

Thank you for God giving me the courage to expose my truth.

Thank you for reading this.

✌🏾

Help.

Help me.  My strength is gone. My voice is no more.  Energy has failed me. This loneliness is too much.  I’ll give you what I have. Everything I have. Help me. Help. I don’t know how to change. Part of me thinks I can’t.  The other part knows I have too. It’s always been me. It's always been me.  Helping others but no one to help me. This isn’t enough.  I need more. The cure please. Help me. I need the cure please. 

The Cure

I wanna fall in love with you, God. The way I desire a husband. God, I want to be your friend and you be my counselor. Guiding me and helping me through this sometimes stressful life. You are my confidant. The one is which I lay my trust. Date me while I get to know you. Be the person I can't live without. I don't want to live without you. I can't live without you. I love you Lord. 

January 2, 2018

Dig: break up and move earth with a tool or machine, or with hands; to hollow out; to excavate.

The things I've tried my best to hide are the very things that have kept me from moving forward. I hid behind my guilt and shame only to find out it wasn't hiding me, it only shielded the light God placed on the inside of me. To uncover this light I had to walk down some deep and dark tunnels. I had to get my hands dirty with the filth from my past, but first and for most I had to be honest with myself. Then in time be honest with God. I call it the "Digging Process". I know it's such a spectacular name right? lol

Digging is usually a dirty task. It's manual labor that requires focus and tons of energy. The goal is always to uncover something or to discover something else. This is exactly what I've been doing. Dig. Dig. Digging.

I have learned that this digging process never stops even when you feel at peace. That peace will sometimes be interrupted with thoughts of negativity. Reminding you of the way you used to think or be. THAT IS NOT YOU ANYMORE! Please don't let that pit swallow you up again. Look inside yourself. You know who you are and what you want to be and if you don't know then that's a great place to start. Look to Jesus who is on the inside of you. He will keep you refreshed in his presence and in perfect peace.

ALERT! 

No way will this be easy...I’m typing this in the midst of my own personal struggle that has haunted me for years. These questions of “why men don’t want me?” “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why am I not good enough?” Situations from my past have left me feeling unworthy and just not good enough. Men and friends just seem to walk away at any moment or I scare them away for some unknown reason. As tears well up in eyes from writing these words...I know I can’t focus on those questions and thoughts. I have to focus on God’s purpose for my life. God is intentional and I believe that he can turn any negative into a positive! God has protected me countless times and he is protecting you too. He loves you too much!

Be still and listen. Follow his directions. He WILL NOT stir you wrong.

Make an intentional decision to do something different everyday!

Renew your mind. Say one or two verses out loud. Psalms 62 is great place to start!

Talk to God! Out loud. Acknowledge him. (I struggle with this part the most.)

“When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen. “When you come looking for me, you’ll find me.   Jeremiah 29: 12-14(MSG)

These simple steps can help you defeat those negative thoughts of unworthiness and emptiness.

You deserve happiness. You deserve to be fulfilled!