Somehow I Made It To Grad School

Before diagnosis?

I was plagued with a feeling of brokenness — why does it take me 10x longer to learn concepts than it takes my peers, even when I’m attempting to apply all the same strategies? Why is it so dang hard for me to commit to a single project, and why do I spend weeks obsessing over a project only to suddenly lose interest and never touch it again? Why do I have such a visceral reaction to the smallest, friendliest amount of criticism? Why does that person keep making that tiny paper noise while I’m trying to complete my exam — wait, what was the question asking? Let me re-read it AGAIN.

After diagnosis?

Validation! Holy cow is the validation game changing. I no longer had to blame myself for just not trying hard enough. I was trying plenty hard; however, the tools and strategies that work for neurotypical brains don’t necessarily work for my brain! And that’s perfectly okay. As well, I discovered that my anxiety and depression were symptoms, and as I treated my ADHD and developed coping mechanisms around it, I no longer wanted to die.

Of course, the armchair psychiatrists among my friends and family do sometimes try and chime in to tell me that Adderall is bad(derall), and that’s certainly infuriating; however, f*ck em. I don’t care what they think -- they’re clearly not thinking rationally if they see me taking Adderall carefully as prescribed (which they see as me ”basically doing meth” -- a deeply misguided and inaccurate view) as worse than quite literally trying to kill myself, and they don’t deserve to have a say -- it’s my body and my mind, so I can do what I want.

So... yeah. I’m a big advocate for getting assessed for ADHD if you think you may have it. Does a diagnosis mean you have to medicate? Absolutely not. I prefer not to medicate unless it’s absolutely necessary -- my Adderall crash is always draining, so I am never motivated to abuse the medication. But when I do take it? All of the internal thought-clutter calms to a hush, the world comes to me more clearly, I am able to find a calm within myself that I never before knew existed, and I can just be. Like, I can just think without interruption. Wow! Clarity of mind is the most incredible feeling. It’s not even a high. It’s just... absence of chaos.

Mimas (moon of Saturn) taken by the Cassini spacecraft.

as you are delightfully one by one spooning out each of the disks of crème des Oreo (which don’t dissolve in the milk), elated by the freedom and exhilaration of the “fuck you, I’m an adult, I understand the consequences and I’m choosing to ignore them” feeling that comes with the brazen consumption of so much sugar in so short a time, the thickness of the semi dissolved Oreo concoction is so heavenly that you feel it was absolutely worth it

&

as shortly thereafter you are doubled over regretting your life choices, because the moment you polish off the remaining sludge (because by the time you’ve nearly finished, the liquid that remains in the mug does not resemble/can no longer be classified as milk) the intense stomach pain immediately reminds why you’re an adult that does not frequently make such hedonistic decisions- because the attempt of chasing a physical high such as the gluttonous consumption of sugar has uncomfortable digestive results, through which, you must now suffer.

All in all it’s a great exercise, because you fully immerse yourself in the pursuit of physical pleasure and then are immediately humbled. You are yet again taught the timeless lesson that our actions are not without consequences.

I built some of my polyhedra ( Icosahedron, Dodecahedron, Slide- Together, Paper sculpture, ….)

Also, Object of my inspiration is here: 

“Slide-Together” Geometric Paper Constructions - George Hart