Hear A Cricket Chirp

Don’t I have enough armed lunatics following me already?

Like - here’s the thing. Kaidan is an L2 biotic. Per lore, human biotics have it rough. They’re not welcomed among human society. No one really likes them except the Alliance, and that’s likely only because the Alliance can weaponize them. (I find it hard to believe there’s absolutely no discrimination toward biotics in the Alliance, but that’s a discussion for another day.) L2s are especially stigmatized; there’s multiple in game references calling them “unstable” and “insane” and such, because of the neurological disorders the implants can cause. Chakwas has a line that I always take to be tongue-in-cheek, that Kaidan’s “lucky” because he “only” gets migraines, like migraines are small stuff. The point of that line is relativity. Kaidan’s relatively lucky; he still has it bad, but many have it worse.

So, again, here’s the thing: Kaidan is an L2 biotic in a society that doesn’t like him and that already views him as dangerous. Ergo, he’s going to be more heavily scrutinized than both non-biotics and the average L3 biotic. This would explain a lot about him even without factoring in his backstory, but his backstory is what really cements it. Regardless of romance, if you talk to Kaidan you always find out that when he was a kid, he killed someone in self-defense. He didn’t do it consciously; his life was threatened so he retaliated, and that retaliation killed someone.

Now, Kaidan isn’t torn up over killing Vyrnnus anymore. What he’s torn up about is how he was treated after Vyrnnus. It was never about Rahna herself, or the fact she didn’t want to date him. It was about the fact Rahna saw him as a monster afterward, on par with Vyrnnus. Kaidan was put into an impossible situation that forced him to lose control or die, and the lesson he learned is that the person he trusted was terrified afterward. If someone who was a fellow L2 - let alone a friend - reacted like that…how would a stranger? How would someone who’s not even a biotic?

There are three lines in ME1 that I feel sum up where Kaidan’s head is at the most in that game:

(upon learning about Rahna after Vyrnnus’ death)

Kaidan: I’m no more disciplined than any other biotic, Shepard. This is all ancient history. I’m over it.

Shepard: You agonize over doing the right thing. You never let yourself lose control.

(after Kaidan rushes to assure Shepard that Really, He Is 100% Competent, Feelings Who, Don’t Worry I’m Fine!!!)

Shepard: It’s okay to have weaknesses. Just means you’re human. So deal with it.

Kaidan: It’s just been awhile. I don’t usually think of much beyond the job.

(en route to Ilos, after Shepard asks him why he’s still hesitating)

Kaidan: You know what, you’re right, about everything. I think about losing you and I can’t stand it. The galaxy will just keep going. Everything, even the Reapers will come around again. But you and I, we are important right now. This is what will never happen again. Us. Shepard, you make me feel…human.

Kaidan doesn’t want to hurt anyone again - to appear threatening - so he holds back on his biotics and his feelings and focuses on doing his job. (His service record is “impressive” and Chakwas says he has over a dozen special commendations.) Kaidan’s fear of losing control is so debilitating that by the time Shepard meets him, he no longer feels human. That’s what that line is implying. Shepard makes Kaidan feel human, because Kaidan doesn’t feel like he is. That’s how much he’s been dehumanized, by others and by himself.

So, yes. Kaidan is “boring.” That’s on purpose. He tries to project nothing but a formal, dutiful marine whose competence can never be called into question. (He doesn’t always succeed, mind you, but a lot of people stop at the “boring” part and thus never pick up on the parts where he lets the formality slip enough so his sense of humor and natural curiosity shine through.) He’s not particularly interested in drawing attention to himself, at least not outside of a professional setting. Because he’s an L2 biotic. Because he lost control once and it killed someone, and he was shunned for it. Because, because, because.

The truth of it is that Kaidan is an exceptionally well written character with a lot of complexity, you just have to be willing to read between the lines. Especially in ME1, because that boy doesn’t know the meaning of “being direct” at all in that game.

With that being said though, I would like to address the actual content of your reply because you brought up the one Kaidan criticism that puzzles me every time: the idea that he’s jealous and has a sense of entitlement.

I’m not going to pretend like the cheating comment is right, because it’s not. I don’t think things on Horizon are as clean cut as a lot of people like to make it out to be either, though; Kaidan sends you a follow up email where he lets you know in very typical Kaidan-speak that he’s confused but still cares and that he’d possibly be interested in rekindling things once you both have the time. So, no. You’re not together, but it wasn’t a clean break up either. He has no right to call it cheating and femShep should be able to argue that point, but it’s not like he’s some stranger with no investment in his relationship with Shepard by ME3, either.

I’d like to ask you to please imagine things from his side for a moment. Shepard died and Kaidan mourned them for two years, believing them to have genuinely died. Then he finds out in the worst possible way that Shepard is actually alive. He has no way of knowing the science involved because the science involved is revolutionary in canon, too. Everybody but Miranda tells TIM that it’s impossible and that Shepard is dead for good. No one, and I repeat, no one’s immediate reaction upon finding out someone who they know died is actually alive would be “Wow! They came back to life!” It would be “They faked their death.” So that’s where Kaidan is at on Horizon: he thinks he mourned them for nothing and that Shepard faked their death.

For Shepard, it’s only been a couple of weeks to a couple months at most - it’s all very fresh for them, but not for Kaidan. This was his reality for two years and now it’s not. He would have to be re-assessing everything: is this really Shepard? (I mean, remember all the ME1 Cerberus missions? They got up to some really nasty stuff. And…they literally did clone Shepard, as seen in Citadel DLC.) If it is really Shepard, what does that mean? Did Shepard lie to him? Did he ever really know Shepard? Can you imagine what it must feel like to feel like you just wasted the last two years of your life on somebody who didn’t care enough about you to let you know they weren’t really dead?

Especially when that person impacted you like Shepard impacted Kaidan. If you read my post you know that in his romance, Kaidan tells Shepard that they make him feel human because he didn’t feel like he was. This was no fling; this was somebody he had opened his heart to in a way he likely never has before, and then they died. Like, I don’t know how much more I can stress how upsetting that has to be.

So, like, yeah. Kaidan is a bit of a mess on Horizon. And Shepard’s relationship with him afterward is a mess, too. Hey, if they move on to someone else, that’s their prerogative. But this was a relationship that was important to Kaidan, that he spent two years of his life mourning, so why…wouldn’t he want to follow up on it? And that’s what the hospital scene is. He wants to know what’s going on between you guys, if it’s really over. Like, wouldn’t you? If this was someone you really cared about and this was the first chance you’ve guys have had to really sit down and talk since everything?

If he’s “jealous” it’s only because he had hopes of rekindling the relationship with Shepard because he loved them. If those are dashed, that’s life. He moves on. He doesn’t feel entitled to anything and I’m confused why you would ever think so. If you didn’t lock into your new romance before meeting up with him at Apollo’s and got his “I love you” dialogue - just turn him down? He doesn’t persist. He accepts it and moves on. If he felt entitled to Shepard, if he felt like he was “owed” something, he wouldn’t accept Shepard’s rejection. But he does. Just simply telling someone that you love them doesn’t translate to them thinking they’re entitled to you and I’m baffled why this is such a widespread fandom opinion.

(For the record, if you don’t want the “I love you” dialogue at all, just do your LI’s Citadel date first. I’m pretty sure the only reason Kaidan has that dialogue at all is because 1) He’s available to mShep for the first time and 2) He’s literally the only available mLI left for femSheps considering Thane dies, Jacob leaves you, and Garrus is ME2 exclusive. People importing their games for the first time had no way of knowing that there was a 2/3 chance their romance with their ME2 mLI was going to have an unavoidable ending, so that’s BioWare’s way of letting them know they still have other romance options if they want one.)

Welcome to the Second Annual ‘14 Days of Dragon Age Lovers’ Prompts Event!

I am so excited to be back to host this event that was such a hit within the Dragon Age fandom last year. I have a fun new list of prompts to get into the spirit of Valentine’s Day with some of my favorite Thedosian characters, and I cannot wait to see what this years list sparks for all of you!

As always, please make sure that you read through the events rules page (which is outlined below the cut) before you decide if this event is for you.

Gonna focus on Carver, and also Bethany (not together obvi).

So many options, but I definitely want to write one with Bethany and King Alistair.

Also might take the opportunity to write Anora / Fergus. They’ve been head canon in my head for so long, time to give them some love.

fluff

"you look better in my clothes than i do."

"i believe you."

"is that my shirt?"

"can i play with your hair?"

"you can tell me anything."

"isn't the view beautiful?"

"my mother adores you."

"they're not you."

"if you cry, i'll cry-- and that won't be fun for anyone."

"did you just kiss me?"

"i've dreamt about this."

"is that a drawing of me?

"i didn't mean to say that but yeah, i love you."

"of course i will."

"wow you're photogenic."

"i thought you'd never ask."

"quick, kiss me!"

"you cancelled plans for me?"

"i've never seen anyone look so cute and ridiculous at the same time."

"that is not what the instructions say."

"you remembered?"

"stop looking at me like that!"

"has anyone told you that your eyes sparkle in the moonlight?"

"how mad would you be if i kissed you?"

"you're hugging me too tight!"

"my lipgloss is all over your lips."

"that's the first time i've ever seen you smile."

"you're lucky you're hot."

"i didn't know you could sing."

"you weren't supposed to hear that!"

"shut up before i kiss you."

"you give me butterflies."

"i can't think around you."

"i just wanted to make you laugh."

"kiss me better."

"why'd you stop?"

"you wrote me a song?"

"i'm not scared but if you are, you can hold my hand."

"you ramble and it's adorable."

"are you blushing?"

"did i say that out loud?"

"hey, only i can call them that!"

"have you ever thought about how much worse our lives would be without each other?"

"i meant it when i said for better or for worse."

"that's the sixth time you've complimented me today."

"nothing else matters except for you."

"we could run away."

"the world could be on fire and i'd still be happy as long as i'm with you."

"they're such an idiot. my idiot but still."

"this isn't adrenaline, i want to spend my life with you."

smut

"do you think of me when you touch yourself?"

"stop before someone sees!"

"do that again."

"ten? i only need five."

"on your knees."

"enjoying the view?"

"that was the prettiest sound i've ever heard."

"i didn't think you were into that."

"i trust you. do it."

"next time we get into an argument, i'm reminding you that i took your virginity."

"against the window? are you insane?"

"i'm going to ruin that pretty makeup."

"now everyone's going to know you're mine.

"i could do this all day."

"louder, i want them to hear you."

"you can finish if you beg."

"do you want to come on my fingers or mouth?"

"you won't be able to walk tomorrow when i'm through with you."

"how funny do you think teasing is now?"

"after that little stunt? you're not getting off that easy."

"lay down and stay still."

"are you doing that on purpose?"

"i didn't like the way they were looking at you."

"have they ever touched you like this?"

"i never noticed how beautiful filthy words could be."

"were you masturbating?"

"my boyfriend/girlfriend would kill us."

"keep quiet or someone'll hear."

"not so cocky now, are you?"

"is that new?"

"who gave you that?"

"are you jealous?"

"show me you're mine."

"i've been waiting all day to do this."

"does that hurt?"

"lipstick's a good look on you."

"we should skinny dip."

"as beautiful as you look, all i want to do is rip that dress off right now."

"were you checking me out?"

"this isn't what i had in mind when i yelled fuck you."

"call me that again."

"did i do that?"

"i'll try it for you."

"i think we just found a new kink."

"i always hated spankings as a child."

"leave the heels on."

"i'd rather have your hands around my throat but the necklace will do."

"what would people say if they knew you were such a slut for me?"

"shut up and pin me down."

"i thought your laugh was the prettiest sound in the world. i was wrong, it's your moans."

angst

"do you love them?"

"you're not sorry."

"how did you find out?"

"don't lie to me."

"am i not important to you anymore?"

"i didn't realise i was such an inconvenience."

"do you think about them when you look at me?"

"how many times am i supposed to forgive you?"

"don't raise your fucking voice at me."

"i trusted you."

"are you ashamed of me?"

"it was open and i read it."

"i can't deal with you right now."

"did you ever really love me?"

"i see the way you look at them."

"if you can't live without me, then die."

"i don't believe you."

"all you had to do was stay."

"i knew you were too good to be true."

"i don't need help and i don't need you either."

"some things aren't meant to be."

"all my friends told me you'd break my heart."

"you were my dream come true but turns out you're a fucking nightmare too."

"you deserve better."

"it's not safe."

"i wish i'd never met you."

"i can't look at you."

"get out."

"was it worth it?"

"how could you let them say that about me?"

"there's just no pleasing you, is there?"

"why don't you give a shit?"

"how many times are you going to look me in the eye and lie to me?"

"i can't do this if you don't trust me."

"find someone else then."

"don't touch me!"

"they were there. you weren't."

"i don't want to spend another second with you!"

"is your image really more important than us?"

"you win."

"this isn't what i wanted to happen."

"i'd take our relationship back in a heartbeat."

"you two deserve each other."

"can't you listen for one second?"

"you'll be happier without me."

"if you loved me, you wouldn't have done it."

"don't you try to explain yourself!"

"you can't take back what you said."

"i don't see the same person i loved when i look at you anymore."