The painting that wasn't me
It's been almost a week since finding out how my ex of three years got with the girl I was told not to worry about. It's been taking everything in me to try and not let it affect me. I just feel so so so fucking stupid for continuing to give him chance after chance after fucking chance, just to make one mistake and be treated like a monster. The unfairness and double standard in the relationship became so toxic that I actually can't stand it anymore. It's become such a big trigger, and I feel like a little kid watching the other kids get more play time than me at recess.
I know I shouldn't feel stupid. I was strung along, but I should've trusted my gut, and I didn't.
It's insane how some people can manipulate you until you ultimately truly believe you are the crazy, you're at fault, you're the reason for all the bullshit. Sometimes I believe that, and other times I just cry because all I wanted was equality between us. i swear I could take a drop of his blood and hell take a pint.
I'm literally a psychology major, how could I not see that this man was playing with my feelings? He was never unsure of his feelings; he knew exactly what he was doing and how to play games.
I never wanted to play games, I just wanted to be respected and be reciprocated.
I keep telling myself, he won't change for her. She's just a rebound. He needed someone more on his level, and he was taking me down with him. And he was that was the truth. I so badly want to help others in my career, but he made money by scamming people. (He sells fake designer clothes). I guess we were never on the same chapter, let alone on the same page. Too many different wants. But I tried so hard to make it work.
This whole breakup has been so hard because I feel like he's completely altered the way I view myself. I remember being so confident in myself, knowing I was kind, sweet, smart, a good friend, a good sister, a good student, hard-working, ambitious, and capable of putting my mind to anything I truly wanted in my life for the sake of a good future. When I look in the mirror, sometimes I just don't recognize myself. He really makes me question my worth and gives me so many doubts about myself. The person he painted me out in his head started getting too close to me, and the paint splattered on me.
I truly did lose myself fighting for him to see me as I once viewed myself.
I am not crazy, I am not mean, I am not dramatic, I am not a bad person.
But I have a kind heart. I'm a learner, and my intentions have always been good. Yes, I have big emotions, but I'm learning how to carry them without placing their weight on someone else. I'm not perfect, but I'm certainly not the monster he made me believe I was. I'm not hard to love; I'm just not always easy to understand. I have my flaws, but flaws are not a green light of permission for abuse. They never meant I deserved what happened to me.
