curbside prophet

i like tumblr bc u all know So Much and Absolutely Nothing about me simultaneously

my corner store guy is a 50 year old man who's my best friend in the world and recently he was like "you're too pretty to be single I have some nephews you should meet. very handsome!" and I was like "a niece might be more up my alley" and he just got more excited and said "ah even better! I was overselling my nephews but my nieces are very beautiful"

Hehehehehe

Can I fucking help you?

my senior english teacher told me that any scene with a woman in a cornfield in every piece of literature ever is about her journey to womanhood/pleasuring herself in the field and i just.... believed her

What

What

Nobody appreciates the sacrifice of the little lash wizards 😔

what mouse walks on two legs

mickey

okay, what duck walks on two legs?

donald

no, all of them.

this is the last time you make a fool of me in my own house god damnit

How's the dental?

you can have all the teeth you can carry