Mind and Mannerisms

So I’ve been obsessed with the whole “Humans Are Space Orcs” thing for a while but I haven’t had an idea to add to it until tonight. I don’t know if this has been done before but here’s what happened: I was texting my brother and he mentioned watching this video of a guy who was eating his leftovers in the styrofoam to-go container. Like, eating it styrofoam and all.

You’re probably like “You idiot don’t eat that!” and my next thought was “What if an alien reacted to that?”

Cause here’s the thing: we’ve all seen the posts of humans eating anything. We consume caffeine by the gallon in the mornings just to stay awake. We eat chocolate by the pound cause it tastes good and lifts our mood (don’t act like you didn’t gorge on that chocolate pie/cake at Thanksgiving. We all know you snuck that third piece when no one was looking.) We consume fruits that have cyanide-filled seeds. Hell pineapple is toxic if it’s unripe but we put it on pizza and salads anyways. It’ll burn our tongue anyways but we still eat it.

So naturally, aliens are in this mode of “Humans can eat just about anything. They come from this major Deathworld; why wouldn’t they eat everything? They already said “Fuck you” to the natural order of predation. Might as well have an appetite to facilitate that.” So just imagine this:

Xa’var shuffled into the mess hall after a long what xis human counterparts would say day. Xa’var had been up since the first shift and was just now getting something to eat. It wasn’t easy, being the liaison for xis’ council and the humans, but it was a job Xa’var took pride in.

Laughter caught Xa’var’s attention. The humans that xe had come to consider friends were hunched over a holo-device, laughing at whatever they were watching. Curiosity arose in Xa’var’s mind. It was always a fortuitous occasion to learn more about xis’ counterparts. It could even be a new report to make to add to the “How To Deal With Humans 101″ handbook. Xa’var used xis main tentacles to walk over to the humans’ table.

“Hello, Human Rachel. Hello, Human Todd. Might I inquire as to what it is you are watching?”

“Oh, Xa’var! Didn’t see you come in.” Rachel bared- smiled- there were still many things to get used to about the behaviors of humans- at xim and moved over so Xa’var could lean down comfortably. “Todd was showing me this video of this idiot eating his leftovers with his to-go box.”

Xa’var leaned down and focused one of his eyes on the holo-device while the other watched the reactions of the humans. On the screen, one human male was eating a white contraption that appeared to have rations in it. Other humans were telling him to cease the action, but he seemed to not believe them. Todd and Rachel seemed to be very amused, though the humor was lost on Xa’var.

“I am confused.” Todd wiped his eyes- note to add to the handbook: humans cry when laughing.- and looked up at Xa’var. “What is the human doing wrong?”

“Dude.” Rachel snorted, seemingly trying to not laugh. “You don’t eat styrofoam. Everyone knows that.”

Xa’var was astounded. He had believed that humans could eat anything.

Xa’var remembered when someone had accidentally spilled another’s ration on xim. The result was an extended stay in the medical wing because the acids in the foods had almost burned through xis carapace. 

When Human Rachel came to check on xim and asked to see the rations, they were brought in for her inspection. To Xa’var’s horror, after smelling the rations, Rachel had taken a rather large helping and eaten it.

Instead of immediately convulsing and screaming in pain, as what had happened with Xa’var, Rachel simply moved her shoulders in a movement that Xa’var recognized as a shrug and said: “Could’ve used a little more spice.”  When Xa’var had inquired as to how she could handle the acidity of the food, she had laughed and commented that her mother- the human term for egg-layer, since apparently humans weren’t hatched- used to make something called a curry that burned when one ate it. Xa’var had made a note that night to his council to avoid the human food known as curry at all costs.

“You… you mean humans can’t eat everything?” Xa’var knew it was not the most tactful approach, but the fact that the man was being seen as an apparent imbecile for eating his food container seemed to Xa’var to be a type of prank. Surely they weren’t serious about it?

Both Human Rachel and Human Todd lifted the hair above their eyes- eyebrows, Xa’var mentally corrected- in surprise. “Who told you we could?” Todd asked.

“I…” Xa’var felt xis skin start to flush with embarrassment. “It has been believed for a long time that humans can eat anything.”

“Well…” Human Todd leaned back in his chair. “I mean, we technically can eat anything, but there are things we shouldn’t. Does that make sense?”

“I am afraid it does not. Could you please elaborate?” Hunger temporarily forgotten, Xa’var lowered into a neighboring chair, tucking his tentacles under xis carapace to facilitate a comfortable position; new information was always worth giving one’s full attention.

“So here’s the thing: our stomach contains something called hydrochloric acid, which is largely responsible for breaking down everything we eat and converting it into energy, basic nutrients, proteins, you get the idea.” Xa’var nodded along, a habit xe picked up from xis human counterparts as a body language that communicates understanding. “Now we humans measure the acidity level of acids on what we call a ph scale. It runs 1 to 14. 7 is neutral, with numbers above it being alkaline in nature and numbers below 7 running acidic. The lower the number it is, the more acidic it is. 6 is more acidic than 7, 5 more than 6, and so on.”

“I see, I see.” Xa’var nodded again, enraptured now. Xe had been educated on the different scales humans use to measure things, so xe knew what a ph scale. Though, for xis people, 7 was actually capable of causing severe burns. A 4 could sear through a warrior’s carapace with ease, while anything less than a 3 was guaranteed death. 

“So where does a human’s acid level fall?” In the back of Xa’var’s second brain, the knowledge that could come from this could be useful in avoiding injury should a human’s internal organs were exposed during a battle. Given a human’s resilience, xe wouldn’t be surprised if that happened at some point and the human continued to fight.

“It depends,” Rachel spoke now. “If someone hasn’t eaten in a while, the acid in their stomach might level out at about a 4, but while they’re eating it’ll go up to a 2 or even a 1.” Xa’var felt xis eyestalks retract slightly in horror. “Lemon juice is typically considered a 2, so if that helps put in perspective.”

“Y-yes. But I am still confused as to what you meant by “shouldn’t eat”.” Xa’var cleared xis throat, trying to not let the rising horror be exposed. Levels out at a 4?!? Rises to a 1 while they were eating!?! A 1 would melt the carapace and internal organs of his people with ease and continue destroying until it was neutralized, but this happened as a natural occurrence within a human’s stomach?? Multiple times a day!?!

“Ah, yeah. Well, I guess it’s kind of like what happened with you a couple weeks ago.” Rachel shrugged, crossing her arms. Xa’var recognized the body language as bored, not hostile. It was a fine nuance, but one xe was proud xe could spot the difference in. “Humans can eat virtually anything cause our stomach is so acidic it will kill virtually any virus or bacteria that enter with our food on contact, with very few exceptions. Even then we can fight through most illnesses and poisonings as long as we keep our immune system up.

“That said, there are some things we just shouldn’t eat because it provides no nutritional value to us. Styrofoam is one of those things. Glass, plastic, rubber, paper,” Rachel shrugged again. “We can eat all of those things, as evidenced by people who do, but we shouldn’t because they don’t provide the nutrition our body needs.”

“So, what you are saying is that, while humans are perfectly capable of consuming anything, but chose to not because of nutrition concerns?” Xa’var felt the inquiry sounded more absurd spoken than it did in xis head. To xis surprise, Human Todd and Human Rachel nodded.

“Pretty much. We can sometimes get what we call “acid reflux”, which is when the acid in our stomach rises into our esophagus. This is caused by allergies or a malfunction of the internal blocker we have to prevent that from happening, but it’s rare. Usually it’s caused when we eat something that doesn’t sit well with us and causes an imbalance in our stomach acid.” Human Todd confirmed.

“And this is not dangerous?”

“Oh no, it definitely can be.” Rachel commented far too nonchalantly for Xa’var’s comfort. “Usually it’s just uncomfortable, but it does burn like a bitch. It’s why we start crying whenever we throw up. Our esophagus doesn’t have the natural lining our stomach does to protect it from the acids, so the acids literally burn away our throat. Some people have burned a hole in their throat because of acid reflux. Most of the time though that can be fixed with a simple dietary change, though some people have to take medicine to help balance out their ph levels.”

Xa’var’s brains were reeling. Not only was the initial belief confirmed (humans can indeed eat anything), but they were capable of doing so because their internal organs contained an acid strong enough to melt his carapace! It could even burn the humans’ own throats but they treated it like it was nothing!

“Are you alright, Xa’var?” Xa’var blinked. Rachel was staring at xim with an expression xe recognized as concern. “You’re white.” Looking down, Xa’var realized xe was indeed white; xis people’s skin changed color based on emotions. Apparently, the horror xe felt was enough to cause xis body to involuntarily react and try to camouflage xim with the surrounding tables and chairs.

“Y-yes. I am fine, Human Rachel.”

“You sure? Have you eaten anything today?”

“I, have not. I will go do so now. Thank you for telling me this information.”

Rachel and Todd watched as Xa’var maneuvered out of the mess. Despite xis words, xe was going the opposite way of the food. “What’s his problem?” Rachel asked.

“I dunno. Maybe a long shift?”

“Maybe.”

Little did they know that Xa’var was heading to xis quarters to not only update the “How To Deal With Humans 101″ manual, xe was also going to send a very important message to his council about the truth of a human’s terrifying ability to eat anything.

It is a truth universally accepted that the one greatest instinctual desire of an individual, of any species, is the desire to maintain life. Unless directly inhibited by a dysfunction of cortical tissue, this truth remains accepted. 

However, it is instinctually acceptable to endanger one’s life out of desire to protect one’s progeny or family as a means of carrying on the genetic line. An advanced social structure requires strong social bonds to allow a society to remain in tact. Additionally, it is also understood that altruism outside a species is impossible without ulterior motive.

Interspecies altruism holds no function, and therefore, is instinctually rejected. Some scholars argue that instances of interspecies altruism have been demonstrated in battles were two species fight on the same aside. However, it can be argued that this supposed altruism is actually intended to preserve friends of the SAME species.

Regardless, the argument still remains, that interspecies altruism is rare if not nonexistent because it rejects core instinct for social preservative.

 Krill was a very nervous. He knew his decision to bring his human companions to his home planet was a risky decision, and governmental authorities seemed to agree as it had taken them months to even a small delegation of his human companions. They had heard the stories about the humans, and despite Krill vouching for them, there was always going to be some hesitance.

Let me explain. I was thinking recently about the Judgement of Paris and how he had to choose the fairest goddess. It seemed to be a really important decision which could end in big consequences if his choice led to insult. But what if that whole thing wasn’t actually that huge a deal to Aphrodite, Hera, and Athena? What if it was an inside joke between them, like ‘oh we’re always joking about who’s the most beautiful lol this is just another part of our running joke.’

But Paris wouldn’t know this and so the Judgement of Paris became this whole huge thing at least in Paris’ perspective and he had to choose properly or . Now in the same vein, humans have a lot of inside jokes and things that outside sources wouldn’t understand unless they hung around for a long time. What if our jokes and actions were taken more seriously than we mean them to be?

Say a group ends up being welcomed by an alien community and during a feast, one of the humans asks for water. They’re told that this society doesn’t rely on water for nourishment and so there isn’t any in the palace. The human responds, as you do, with “Well, guess I’ll die.”

These aliens, while not understanding the joke, understand what death is and are horrified. They’re appalled and wonder at the cruelty of these creatures to one another as the other humans only laugh at their companions terrible plight. How awful. A knight immediately goes on a quest for water (it takes them a full month to find and return with it) and when they return, presenting the human with the precious liquid, are hailed as a hero by the community and the humans, who grace the knight with an exuberant “wow thanks.”

In another part of the galaxy, carvings in the pillars of a royal temple depict the transformation of a human into a Roctoa, one of the local animals. The discovery of the human’s ability to shapeshift came about when the human entrusted their intimate secret to the kingdom’s princess decades before. The story goes that as the royal caravan and the human visitors were passing through a field, one of the humans pointed to the creature as it snuffled and shuffled passed them and said very simply, “Me.” 

Believing that what the human meant was that they were, in fact, a god of some sort, the princess returned home and wept for days, unable to believe how blessed she was. To be chosen and protected by such a powerful spirit that it could change it’s shape!? She was favoured indeed and her reign, she believed, would be long. With this in mind, the princess staged a coup and overthrew her mother, becoming Monarch herself. Ardent and impassioned, she attempted to wed the spirit who had privileged her so, but soon found that it as well as the other humans, had disappeared. A search was put out, but the spirit was not found and did not return to the princess. Distraught, she hid herself away for a month before returning to reign. 

A temple was built in honour of the human who was a spirit and still the Monarch can be found sitting silently within. 

So I know i’m late, but I’m absolutely obsessed with the blurbs/imagines/text posts about humans being space orcs and reading all of these amazing works got me thinking. One post was talking about how we are able to ignore pain thanks to adrenaline and shit, but wat if ignoring primal bodily functions/urges is something typical to humans? 

For example the need for food, both carnivores and herbivores simply eat when they’re hungry. When my dog is hungry and he finds ANYTHING in his vicinity that he deems edible, it’s gone. With humans however, it’s different. Somewhere in our evolutionary process humans just decided that: nope, fuck this shit we don’t want to constantly be driven by these urges, let’s be R A T I O N A L, let’s develop the ability to ignore it. For example, right now there’s a heat wave where I live and the temperature is literally 39/40 degrees Celsius and me and my friends were talking about how we were eating (almost) nothing throughout the day, despite having that ‘feeling’ of being hungry. Because fuck that, it is too hot. 

Or maybe something more relatable, we’ve all had those moments when you’re finally nestled on the couch tucked in blankets, snacks around you, watching a good movie and then it fucking hits you. You have to pee. So, instead of listening to our body and let out the waste in our bladder instead of holding it in, which is BAD for us. We stay put, because fuck you bladder the movie is about to get intense. Just imagine the reactions of aliens:

It’s was the 79th toll around Sol 114, or what the Humans called Thursday and Myrpyer of the Klashi species was updating his data pad in the common area of the ship. The room was near vacant, the crew had just finished their expedition on the planet Gleysco-19 and most of the ship members had resided to their private quarters, trying to regain some of the Energy that had been used for their research trip. 

Of course, as the head-researcher of this ship Myrpyer wasn’t allowed that luxury, needing to transfer the information as quickly as possible to his superiors. He had decided to finish this task in the more comfortable space of the shared quarters rather than his private chambers or the research lab. But, to his surprise Human Sarah and Human Rick were already occupying the place. 

After some inquiring as to why they weren’t sleeping, as they put it in their language. They had simply made an upward shoulder movement, something Myrpyer remembered was a shrug, indicating indifference. “We just wanted to go over the events of today, the Xrl we found was so cute, he kind of resembled a puppy labrador!” Human Sarah said. 

Realising that the ‘cute’ puppy was in fact a terrestrial, predatory carnivore and also recognising this was some form of pack-ponding he didn’t want to interrupt with his presence. Myrpyer respectfully moved his head (a nod, they would say) and settled a few tables away.

It wasn’t a lack of trust, or security that made him sit away from the two Humans (they had proven multiple times to be trustworthy and loyal companions), but rather the unfamiliarity of it all. His specie, the Klashi, prided themselves in their vast knowledge, not only of the workings of space and planets but also of all the different species the Galatic Treaty consisted of. And then the Humans showed up. It was the lack of knowledge about their unpredictable nature and biology that had caused Myrpyer to never feel completely at ease with them. 

Nonetheless, nothing extraordinary had happened. That was until a low rumbling sound interrupted to quite chatter of the Humans, followed by a sigh and a hiccupping sound accompanied with the bearing of the teeth (laughter, a form of showing happiness).

Myrpyer receptors were raised and started spinning around, trying to locate the sound of the weird growl. “What was that?” he asked Human Rick, which seemed to sport an expression of amusement on his features. “That was Sarah’s stomach, looks like someone is really hungry and I don’t feel one bit of sorry. I told you to buy that meatball-looking thing when you complained about not having eaten something yet, but no miss i-know-it-all-better didn’t trust it.” 

Human Sarah sighed “shut up.” Myrpyer regarded the conversation with confusion “why didn’t you …. restock your energy levels in the form of nutritions?” he asked cautiously. Human Sarah unexpectedly threw her hands in the air, causing him to retract his tentacles for safety precautions “because it looked disgusting, what was I supposed to do? I’m not going to slurp that shit down like a savage, unlike some other people here.”

Myrpyer got even more confused “but what does the enjoyment of the food have to do with keeping your energy levels up? Especially if you didn’t erot-sorry eat in the morning?” 

This time Human Rick said something “well I can’t blame her about skipping breakfast, I occasionally like sleeping in more than eating breakfast as well.” Myrpyer’s shade slowly started to turn more purple, as his confusion increased. “How come your energy levels are so low, that sleeping is more beneficial than eating in terms of restoring it?”

“What? No, I sleep because … I like sleeping? Not to restore the energy levels or something.” Myrpyer physically reeled at this “are you saying you can ignore your primal bodily urges just like that?” The hairs above Human Sarah’s eyes were raised “I guess you can put it that way? I mean sometimes you just don’t feel like it, we’ve all had that right?” Next to her Human Rick nodded. 

Myrpyer quickly stood up from his position, tentacles flailing around. “If you’ll excuse me, I have an urgent task I need to attend.” Before either of the Humans could acknowledge his excuse he had already fled to room, leaving both of them in a stunned silence. 

I decided to go back to and play around with my older style of writing today. Taking a bi of a break from the main plot line for a little bit :) 

As a doctor, I often wonder about hypotheticals. What would happen if my patient was injured in this way, what would I do. Working with humans I find each scenario has to be more outlandish than the next assuming the human is going to do something stupid.

However, in all my time with humans there is one hypothetical that I find most interesting: what would happen if early human/nonhuman communication never happened, and like animals in documentaries, or at zoos we learned about the humans purely through observation.

Humor me for a moment as I write this as I think it could be an interesting thought-experiment for the scientific community. 

I imagine we would see them as a series of logs made by the zookeeper as the humans were captured and placed into their enclosures, not knowing that the humans were sentient.

I see it going something like this.

Day 1 - we encountered the strange creature on a distant planet. We have never seen anything like them before. They tall, though that is only by way of the walking bipedally. Their arms are very long, and their eyes face forward. We were forced to capture them through tranquilization as they were uncooperative. We have a group of them, about six that we released into the enclosure. They are very agitated, and we must do what we can to calm them or otherwise worry about causing them significant stress. I can see them now lying on the ground resting their heads, they do not look well from the drugs, but we hope that the side effects will not last long.

Day 2 - We have yet to determine the genders of the creatures or even if they have any. It is difficult to tell, though there are subtle anatomical differences that we assume might have some bearing on the subject. Luckily for us they ate within the first day, and continue to eat well. As far as we understand their diets, these creatures can eat a large range of food, more than any animal or alien we have ever seen, and this including meat, plants, and plant byproducts.

Day - 4 They have a very large range of vocalizations, in a very complex structure that almost seems as if they are speaking to one another. They grunt hiss click hum, and so much more. As far as we can tell, they seem very social and tend to congregate in a small circle to commune with each other. When they sleep, they tend to sleep in a large group, or within the same general vicinity of each other. It sees they have a strong pack mentality.

Day- 3 we were forced to move them to a new enclosure as, last night one of the zookeepers ran across the creatures scaling the wall of their enclosure using the digits on their hands and feet to hold to the rough surface and pull themselves upward. I and the other scientists are a bit put out as we should have known this based on the anatomy of their flexible toes, and the sockets of their shoulders. These creatures are very good at climbing. For this reason the new enclosure is much larger, it has a pool of water and many tall branches to climb though there is a field around it to keep the creatures form climbing out.

Day 4 - The pool was a good idea as the creatures seem to enjoy submerging themselves in water. We know now that their strangely colored skin is not actually skin but some kind of artificial covering. They take off this artificial skin if they enter the water and put it back on after they leave. We also know the difference between the males and the females now as the males have more defined muscular structures and the females are more rounded with softer angles. As far as we can determine there is no behavioral difference between the two species.

Day 5 - We think they know they are being watched, as they have a habit of obscuring themselves in the furthest end of the enclosure where it is difficult for them to be seen. They have even taken some of the fallen branches and erected a bit of a screen to hide away prying eyes, or at least that is how it seems. Some of our experts assume it was actually in order to build a proper nest though we cannot be entirely sure about that.  

Day 30 - We are worried about one of the females. Her body structure has begun to change over these past few weeks, and her belly is becoming distended. We are worried about some sort of blockage or bloating caused by the misuse of food. The other creatures seem to be worried about her as well. We  might go in and tranquilize her and bring her out to examine her at some point tomorrow.

Day 31 - we had to sedate every creature in the enclosure in order to pull the female out and separate er form her pack. We tried to separate her naturally from them, pulling her to one side of the enclosure, but it seemed as if they knew what we were doing and the other large males and the one aggressive female would not allow her to go. We had to dart all five of the others to capture her, though when we pulled her out we were delighted to find the reason for her distended belly has nothing to do with the food. It seems as if we had inadvertently picked up a pregnant alien creature., which is likely why the others were so protective over her. We worry though because upon examining the internal structures we are concerned that the head of the offspring will not be large enough to fit through the pelvis. We are not sure if this is what the natural progression of their child bearing is supposed to look  like.

Day - 50 we have been doing some tests on our  creatures and have found a few interesting things. Their senses are far superior to our own.  We once thought that their eyes would be adapted to hunting and racking movement, and while that is true in low light situations, they actually have very sharp sense of binocular vision, and are very competent at guessing distances. They seem to be a primary visual creature, and we assume that their vision is even better than ours. There is some evidence that they can even see somewhat in the dark, though based on our examination of their behavior they are primarily a daytime animal.

Day - 61 We think that they can hear us talking outside the enclosure. In fact, we think they have a very sensitive set of hearing organs. They often behave in ways that make us think they might be able to hear us. They always seem to know when we are coming into the enclosure to feed them. They tend to stand very close and watch us very carefully. We are worried that they might attack, but so far they have not. The most disconcerting is the large male and the smaller female. The way they watch some of our handlers unnerves them, and I am going to have to hire new hands to help with this project 

Day 70 - They can use tools! It is an exciting and amazing discovery. But just the other day we say them begin to make things using strips of their own not-skin and some branches. They have tied rocks together and are even using them to smash up bits of food. Their hands seem very capable of doing such things as they are actually quite  delicate in their movements. Each diget can be controlled to the finest degree and the rotational movement of their wrist implies  extreme dexterity. Many of us think that this leaves them on a path towards sentience. Our scientists estimate that they have the intellectual capabilities of a five-year-old child.

Day 90 - great progress has been made! The creatures extreme vocalizations has added to their advantage, in that we have taught them how to speak! The sentences are very rudimentary of course, like a child, but they can ask for food, help, and express their displeasure. However, the problem is, they seem to have discovered greater words of displeasure from the people observing them and have taken to yelling rude slurs at the attraction goers. We think they like getting a reaction. They are very aggressive, and are becoming more so as the days go by. We worry about their health.

Day 100 - two of the large males got into a fight yesterday. We assume it was over mating rites with the remaining female, though that is only a theory. The way the creatures fight is very strange, they ball their hands into fists and then hit each other like using a club. Sometimes they use the hard bony ends of their elbows, or the tips of their knees. A few times they even used their legs to strike at the other. The feat of balance was quite amazing and the power generated from blows like that was scary. Visitors were urged away from the enclosure when wounds started appearing. Both males were covered in blood. We had gone to sedate them but by the time we came back the fight was over and the two males were sitting with each other at the edge of the pool washing their wounds. We think they find the water soothing, though we worry about sickness or infection.

Day 140 - We cannot get to them, overnight and out of sight of our keepers they have constructed a sort of den or nest surrounded by thick leaves and tree bark. There is no way to see in, and there is no way to dart one of these creatures while on the inside. We have been   to get them while they are out in the open, but they always hear when the enclosure or the windows open and have taken to carrying around large shields made of leaves and branches. None of our darts have made it through sticking uselessly into branches. We worry greatly considering the female is coming closer and closer to her delivery day.

Day 170 - We have a plan for sedation, though it will require an enforcement team armed with the tranquilizer guns to preform it. We are worried about the female and the offspring, which we intend to rear by hand. We have no idea how the other larger humans are going to react when the smaller human is brought into the enclosure. They could kill it. We do not want this happening, and besides, we think this creature could be very docile if hand raised by us. 

Day 181 - The mother went into labor last night, and we were called in by one of the zookeepers. We have to act very fast  and are assembling a team. We are worried she might die as the sounds coming from the enclosure has caused us to close down the entire zoo. She seems to be in great pain as we have never heard a creature make that sound before. All of the creatures seem agitated as well, those who are not in the enclosure with them are pacing around outside. They seem very nervous.

The team has been assembled and it has been quiet for some minute except for a distant squalling. The large ales and other creatures are encircling the little habitat as if curious. We are worried the large males will find this as a sign ofweakness and attack.

Day 182 -  please help us. We went into the enclosure as we had assumed with hour weapons ready to take the little offspring away to safer area for cleaning, however as soon as we got close to the den, the creatures attacked. We did not see them camouflaged in the leaves, and they seemed to erupt out of nowhere. Our leader was violently bludgeoned with a rock, and another was strangled manually by the small female. Each one of them was violently killed.

Two of our team managed to make it to the door of the den but as they did, the still blood covered female leaped outward and attacked screaming. She was the most violent out of all of them and practically ripped the limbs off two of our men before killing them. Protecting her young.

The large male carried the sleeping creature fin his arms as the female searched around for any more survivors. There were none and the door had been left open. One of our valiant men tried to go and close it, but he was murdered   as the door was flung open crushing him against the back wall. The child was handed back to the mother and now they are hunting about the zoo in a pack. I have locked myself in this  room hoping they will not find me, but even now I can hear a rattling outside the door.

Day of freedom - Hello you slimy bastards. Didn’t think you could talk did you. Either way you better hope we get back to our home planet, otherwise we will take this one for ourselves and make you suffer till your bones bleach dry under and unforgiving sun.

Alien: I don’t get it.

Human: What?

Alien: No offence but your species is cute but also terrifying.

Human: Thank you.

Alien: But this planet is so… normal. How did it evolve you lot?

Human: Well we live on every part of the planet so we have to…

Alien: Wait, you mean recently you’ve been able to inhabit every part of the planet through like eco-bubbles or something, right?

Human: Oh, no. We just went everywhere even before technology got out of control. Why, where did your species evolve? I just kind of assumed that everyone took over their whole planets first.

Alien: On… one specific mountain. Where a very specific berry grows. So wait you can just survive unsupported in a desert? In snow?

Human: Pretty much anywhere that has oxygen and food and doesn’t stay above 150F for long periods of time, yeah. We figure it out.

Alien: *goes pale* W- how?

Human 1: has anyone seen my communicator?

Human 2: dude, you just put it in your pocket like a few seconds ago.

Human 1: I did? Oh.

I know I have done a lot of longer stuff and series related things recently, and since I posted a big one today, I decided to post a traditionally smaller one for all those people who want something nice and short. I hope you like it, for some reason it’s harder to come up with topics for these shorter ones. :)

Report ID 2241568

Author Krill

I have mentioned this before in earlier observations, but I want to focus specifically on the issue today. My argument with current biological scientists of the day is that humans have backup autopilot systems that they run on often and usually without notice, but the results of improper action under an autopilot state can be either deadly or funny. I have compiled a list of the things that humans have done when they are running on these autopilot systems.

·         Young crewman working in shipping docks and is given an order by the Captain, young crewman answers, “Yes dad.” Keeps working pauses, and then turns bright red as the crew starts laughing at him.

·         Captain and marine speaking over walki-talkies. Standard human etiquette is to finish by saying over. Marine says, “Love you.” Captain responds, “Love you too.” There is silence before ruckus laughter.

·         Bridge crew member tasked with shutting down bridge operations for the night, and with shutting everything off accidentally shuts off warp because the light was green, and the lights needed to be red, ends up giving the entire crew whiplash.

·         Crewman goes to replace toilet paper in bathroom, ends up throwing entire role of toilet paper into the toilet.

 ·         Crewman attempts to put his rifle in the fridge instead of the milk (just came back from mission and all of them were starving, weapons had not been secured.

·         All humans, routinely walking into rooms, forgetting what they were going to do, and then walking back out, and then back in again.

·         Crewman has a painting hobby, has cup of paint water, and a cup of coffee. Takes big gulp from paint water cup instead of coffee.

·         Captain, returning exhausted from a mission, walks onto deck and goes to take off his shirt thinking he was back in his room. Luckily does not manage to make it through entire process

·         Crewman mother of four supplies marines with weaponry, waves at them to have a good day at school as they leave.

·         Crewman forgets to put on pants before coming to work, issue was corrected and he was sent back to his bunk for some rest.

·         Bridge crew answers phone with, “Welcome to McDonalds how I may take your order.”

·         Marine, gets big trey of food after long mission, goes to throw away dirty napkin, ends up throwing away trey of food instead of the napkin. (He looked like he was about to cry).

·         Bridge crew member was supposed to look up something on internet, forgets where he is and looks up something inappropriate. Realizes too late.

·         Crewman, holding can of open soda and phone in one hand, goes to toss phone onto bed, ends up tossing open soda instead’

·         Poured water on waffles instead of syrup

 ·         Captain Ends up petting one of the crewmen instead of the dog.

·         Crewman puts on glasses so that she can see so that she can find her glasses.

·         Captain panics because he cannot find his phone, is on the phone with his family.

·         Crewman accidently sprays airfreshiner on himself instead of deodorant.

·         Marine walks into the locker room showers fully dressed after a mission.

·         Most human devices are touch screen or hologram enabled, so humans can use their fingers to zoom in or re-orient objects on a tablet or a projection. Walked in on a crew member trying to blow up and image on a piece of paper by using two fingers.

·         Crewwoman was supposed to pick her boyfriend up from the airport on her way home for vacation, was so excited to get home and have a break that he didn’t remember to pick him up until she was at home taking a bath.

·         Female crewman walks in to bathroom in the middle of the night, toilet seat is down and she doesn’t realize it until it’s too late.

·         Captain routinely steers the ship into docking and doesn’t remember doing any of it

I looked into this a little more after hearing about it, and found that humans have definitely noticed this phenomenon, and studied it to determine its purpose. It turns out, that humans are better at well-learned tasks WHEN THEY ARENT THINKING ABOUT THEM. Unlike every other species that have ever existed, human can preform goal oriented tasks without thinking about them, some estimate they spend at least 46%-47% of their time in an autopilot state.

So that means that the captain can potentially fly the ship better when he’s not concentrating on flying the ship.

My question is, what the hell are humans doing when their brain is literally not thinking about the things that they are doing? What do you fill your time with? You know my species would love to be able to do this so that we can think about other things while getting menial tasks done and maybe solve some world problems while we are at it. Humans…. What are humans thinking about? Probably food, or sex. They have all this extra time to be thinking about new ways to help the world, but instead they use all their extra thinking time for useless shit.

So the only reputation he has is ‘that bastard con artist who banked 19 years of aw-shucks-wormie-ness and used it to outrageously fleece everyone who’s almost anybody.’ Vader reading the report like…damn you Kenobi did you get HONDO to raise my son??

Jabba’s reaction to Luke’s message is INFINITELY funnier if we consider the idea that ‘Skywalker’ amongst the wretched local villainy (who mostly ignore imperial and rebel propaganda) is actually synonymous with TWO things - that brat who totally messed up the podrace bookies 25 years ago, and the infamous Anchorhead Con. Jabba gets this message about ‘Jedi’ and is like LOL i think the other Skywalker tried to pull some hotshit with that too before wimping out.

Everyone openly laughs like sure you’re a Jedi and I’ve got a bargain vaporator farm I want to sell you. 

“So this fucking—SKYWALKER, dude, have you ever heard the name Skywalker? You know what it means? A FUCKING ASSHOLE, that’s what it means. Like. The first one was bad enough, this little shit named Anakin who was fuckin’ NINE YEARS OLD and he just WON THE FUCKING BOONTA EVE PODRACE and set SIXTEEN bookies out of business and if I ever meet him I’m gonna set him on fire for it—

“And then this new one, Luke? Fuckin’ nobody, raised by his aunt and uncle out in the Wastes, little aw-shucks hick farm kid, the kind you could give him a five-credit piece and a ten-credit piece and he keeps taking the fiver because it’s BIGGER, that kind of simple, and then he comes into Mos Eisley one afternoon and sells his aunt and uncle’s moisture farm, right, I’ve been out there a few times, several of us have, and it’s a nice place as far as moisture farms go, mildly profitable, and the kid is fucking happy to get like two-thirds its value, so he sells the farm, right? TO NINETEEN DIFFERENT PEOPLE! Do you have any idea how much Jabba’s finance people had to do to get that sorted out? Nineteen fucking mortgages on ONE fucking property, puts every real estate con Jabba the Hutt’s entire CLAN ever pulled and we were on the WRONG SIDE OF IT! We had every pirate and smuggler from here to Corellia laughing at us! And THEN! And THEN—!

“So he pops up via hologram message acting like a DIPLOMAT from the REPUBLIC, claiming a title and rank from an extinct, defunct, ILLEGAL order and wanting to bargain with Jabba—are you fucking kidding me, BARGAIN WITH JABBA for a smuggler who’s up to his ass in debt when he’s responsible for that farm scheme, acting like he doesn’t even fucking REMEMBER it and expects that Jabba’s forgotten it too. Like. Absolute fucking idiot, and anticipating that Jabba’s just as stupid. And he offers a pair of droids as a gift. Like, built-in-the-Republic-era, random-ass droids that he probably picked up from the Jawas that morning for a few hundred credits and a junked ‘vaporator.

“I mean, Jabba’s seething here, but hey, free droids is free droids. Whatever. He takes the droids, throws things, orders a fight to the death between two gamblers who owed him money, killed one of his dancers at some point … and then Boushh shows up with fucking Chewbacca in chains—he’s Solo’s first mate, so Jabba was all happy about that, but not happy enough to pay the full bounty—and what’s Boushh do? Pull some gonads out from somewhere after all these years, and also pull out a fucking THERMAL DETONATOR! Going to blow us all to fuck if he doesn’t get his measley fifty thousand, and, well, there’s no arguing with crazy like that. 

“So now, if you’re keeping score, Jabba’s lost an absolute SHITLOAD of money and had his bookmaking industry fucked all to hell for like three years after the stunt from Skywalker the First, got screwed out of ANOTHER shitload of money in the farm scam by Skywalker the Sequel, got all but called an idiot to his face and insulted six times over by the same dude who’s apparently scammed so many people he’s forgotten who he has and hasn’t scammed, and got threatened out of fifty thousand credits by a second-tier bounty hunter IN FRONT OF HIS ENTIRE COURT.

“And then the next morning, what the fuck? Jabba’s favorite sculpture is gone, the one with Solo as its main ingredient that Boba Fett brought him. And Boushh is gone. And Jabba’s got a brand-new dancer chained up next to him. Night duty guy tells me Boushh unfroze Solo, and the new dancer girl IS Boushh, which, okay, you’re dealing with people like that and you look like that? You definitely need a helmet, but I feel like pretending she didn’t breathe oxygen was overkill. Anyway, then Skywalker shows up. All alone, no weapons, nothing, like he really believes in this Jedi shit. Arrogant little bastard, and we’re all laying bets on how Jabba’s going to kill him.

“So he talks a little, and fwoop! goes the trapdoor, and okay, everybody who bet on “Rancor” is doing a little happy dance, but then! BUT THEN! He fucking KILLS THE RANCOR! Drops its own cage door on its head and punches right through its skull! And—fucking NOBODY bet on that, which is a damn shame because everybody else would’ve just torn the winner apart out of sheer rage at that point and we coulda used some good bloodshed then, y’know? I mean, I dunno if you’ve ever met Jabba the Hutt, but he’s the kind of boss that’ll just go off and kill you for failing him or just because he’s angry at something. Just complete fucking asshole. I mean, he was pissed enough that everybody was worried for their safety, and so somebody dying messily right then would’ve calmed him down a bit.

“So Jabba’s big mad, and he gathers Skywalker and Solo and Chewbacca all together and says he’s gonna feed them to the Sarlacc, which is a nasty tentacled carnivorous plant out in the desert, so we all board the sail barge and have a nice little pleasure cruise—have you ever been to Tattoine? I’m fuckin’ kidding, it’s brutal. But hey, we get to see Skywalker executed, right? Wrong.

“Jabba offers them the chance to beg for their lives, and Solo calls him a slimy piece of worm-ridden filth, which, I mean, I could do better, y’know? If I’m about to die? Anyway, Skywalker goes up first, gets prodded to the edge, flips a salute off to who-knows-where, and does this little twist in midair, catches the fucking plank, and fucking SPRINGBOARDS himself back onboard, CATCHES HIS LIGHTSABER FROM MIDAIR where the one DROID shot it to him, and starts sending guards over the side, usually in pieces.

“So more guards rush forward to help, and there’s this huge fight, and fuckin’ BOBA FETT falls in, and while that’s going on? The fucking dancing girl has grabbed her chain and is FUCKING STRANGLING JABBA WITH IT! Like, I look over and he’s bucking and struggling and she’s pulling on that chain like anything, and then somebody hits me over the head with a bottle of Corellian brandy, and by the time I look again he’s pitched over dead! And nobody freaking bet on that!

“And then? Off they fucking go, Skywalker and Solo and Chewbacca and the dancing girl and the droids and one of the guards who I played sabacc with the other night and he owes me twenty credits! And that fucking Skywalker just cost me my job, and if I see him again I’m going to burn him to cinders myself!”

The man subsides, eyeing the gigantic ebony figure in front of him who, except for a couple of momentary starts as though he might say something, has been silently listening to him all this time.

Size-wise, Darth Vader has nothing on Jabba the Hutt, but somehow, he is scarier.

Finally, the dark form speaks. “You said you could do better.” A moment’s silence, and he clarifies. “If you were about to die.” He gets the impression that whatever monster lurks behind the helmet is smiling. “You are about to die now. Because you are a criminal, and because of what you have said about my son, Luke Skywalker. You have an opportunity to do better. Use it.”

The so-condemned criminal, late of Jabba’s palace guard, lets his jaw hang open unflatteringly for a moment while his brain catches up with events. HIS SON, which means …  

“YOU’RE Anakin Skywalker’s HUSBAND?”

The steady, hissing rhythm of Darth Vader’s rebreather actually stops dead as the Dark Lord straightens up as if stabbed with an electroprod.

Log entry 1, GSY 38904, rotation, uh… 203. It’s now 0814 hours. The proximity buzzer went off last night, interrupting my reading, and I glanced up at the camera monitor. I watched the ship’s science officer approach my quarters with what I’ve come to understand is a nervous gait. Their species, the N*zerethli, they rely heavily on body language, even more so than we humans do, and they tend to express emotions in the way they stand or walk (though it’s more of a hop), or even–well you know how they always seem to be dancing even when they’re perched on a chair? That’s them expressing emotions, emphasis, or even information.

It’s fascinating, frankly, but like learning any new language it’s been a challenge to understand. D*lithss, the comms officer, has been very helpful in this, but I don’t get exposed to their languages as much as I’d like. As usual, humans’ reputations as frightening unstoppable monsters with unquenchable bloodlusts still pervades the minds of most of the crew here on the trade ship N*zernoOo. They all tend to avoid me except for D*lithss and G'nnor the science officer, and he–excuse me, they, N*zerethli don’t have a masculine gender–they probably would avoid me as well if it wasn’t for their orders from the two Captains to use me to help them understand humans. Whatever, I’m not getting paid to break down everyone’s prejudices. I’m just here to be a Guinea pig and occasionally save their asses when the shit hits the fan.

So anyway, the buzzer sounded off with a different cadence, the one that meant somebody was at the door, so I sat back and tried to arrange my face and arms to appear as non-threatening as possible–oh, and that reminds me, I need to send a comm to the assholes over in Diplomacy, they got a LOT of shit wrong in their briefing materials–and I gave the voice command to let G'nnor in. They raised a foreleg in a decent approximation of a hello wave, which I’ve had them all working on; hardly a greeting befitting my rank, but then again I’ve been discharged for more than a cycle now. Better get used to civilian hellos. Anyway, G'nnor did what I recognized as a submissive sort of nervous bob-and-weave as they asked if I had time to talk about something they’d run across in their research. I smiled, making sure to show my teeth–that’s one thing Diplo got wrong, one of many; these guys aren’t Earth predators, teeth means friendly, not aggressive–and said, “Sure thing, buddy, it’s what I’m here for.”

G'nnor did a relieved sort of head tilt and fluttered their eyelids several times. “Thank you, human Grinda,” they said. I’d given up trying to get any of these friendly, nervous buggers to pronounce “Galinda” correctly. I guess their mandibles just aren’t made for it. They said–oh hell, I’ll just play you the video.

(Transcriptionist’s note: video feed from Ms. Kowalski’s quarters, main room, dated GSY 38904-202-1842:1869, begins playing. Transcription from this point includes description of events in the room in brackets, with notes in parentheses. Some assistance in body-language translation provided later by Ms. Kowalski.)

[G'nnor perches on one of the low bars bolted to the floor.]

“I was reading about human brains, and the document mentioned something called… Addiction. Can you please help me understand this?”

[Kowalski exhales loudly, putting her hands behind her head.]

“All right, so keep in mind I’m not an expert in neuroscience, but you remember how we talked about humans intentionally poisoning themselves for fun and pleasure?”

[G'nnor waves their foreleg in a sinuous motion, their body-word for ‘confirmed’.]

“You said it was because the poisons mimic pleasure chemicals in your brains.”

“That’s right. Do you remember the different types of recreational poisons?”  

[They wave 'yes’ again, with a pleased wiggle of their eyebrow-like feelers.]

“There are several different sorts; some slow down brain function but they also reduce pain; those are… downies?”

[Kowalski nods.]

“Close enough; downers if you want to be perfectly correct. Also called depressants and narcotics.”

[G'nnor nods back, presumably mimicking her.]

“There are also stimulants or uppers that create additional connections in your brains temporarily, making it feel like you are smarter and stronger. And…”

[G'nnor pauses, and activates the data pad in their grasp.]

[Kowalski waves dismissively at the data pad.]

“The other main type are hallucinogens, but they’re not important for this discussion. Like you said, these drugs mimic certain chemicals in our brains and bodies that are responsible for pleasurable nerve stimulation, or in some cases they stimulate our bodies’ production of those chemicals but the result is the same: more pleasure.

"The problem is when we get used to the additional chemicals. We get used to the heightened pleasure and/or lessened pain, we get used to the increase in brain activity. But our bodies cannot naturally produce the additional amounts of those chemicals, and the lack results in suffering. Mostly reduced brain activity, increased pain and stress, decreased energy–even worse than if we had never taken the drugs in the first place. And for the more dangerous drugs, a lot of serious biological symptoms in the rest of the body too. This suffering is called withdrawal, or cravings. And the brain tells us that we need the drug to avoid this suffering.”

[G'nnor dances a dance of shock, appalled.]

“But why would anyone see this as an acceptable exchange? The document I was reading claims that the withdrawal period can be dozens of rotations long, and the effect of the drugs are mere hours, if that!”

[They wave their forelegs in confusion.]

“Well, it’s complicated. Everyone has the capacity to become addicted to these drugs, and in fact to anything that mimics or stimulates production of pleasure chemicals, including sugar, spices, and even contact with someone or something we’ve bonded with. Like me with Stabby for example.”

[Kowalski gestures to a little cleaning robot in the corner, standard model S13 for Terran janitorial duty, which has a knife taped to it*.]

“If I went too long without seeing my little buddy here, I’d be sad.”

[The cleaning robot beeps in response to its name; G'nnor takes a step away from it, apparently frightened by it.]

(Transcriptionist’s note: Ms. Kowalski’s voice, off-camera, presumably narrating.) “G'nnor is a fast learner; they’d only been caught by Stabby once.”

(Transcriptionist’s note: Ms. Kowalski’s in-video dialogue resumes.) “So yeah, humans can become addicted to anything that gives them more pleasure chemicals, but we’re even more susceptible to addiction if our brains don’t make enough on their own to prevent problems like depression or anxiety.”

[G'nnor waves 'yes’ and nods their head.]

“I have read about these. They are… emotional disorders caused by imbalances in your brain chemistry, yes?”

“Primarily, yes, but they also can be caused by emotional trauma. Depression is usually the result of insufficient pleasure chemicals and people who have it, like myself, our brains are always telling us we need to create more, need to stop the pain.”

[G'nnor wipes their feelers with their forelegs. Ms. Kowalski does not know what this signifies.]

“…Yourself? Grinda, you are depressioned?”

“I have depression, yes,” Kowalski corrects. “I’m not often actively depressed any more, but that’s because my doctor gives me medication to help my brain retain the pleasure chemicals that I do create. But I still crave the same drugs I used to take before. They kept the pain away when I was high, even if they brought their own pain when I couldn’t get more drugs. I always justified it by saying it was better than suicide.”

“Suicide… I remember this term. It is… Voluntary self-termination?”

[G'nnor shivers, a body-word that means the same thing as when humans do it.]

“Grinda, your species is frightening, but I care for you and I do not wish you to self-terminate.”

“Thank you for your concern, G'nnor. I’m not at risk of killing myself. Never was really. Self-destruction, maybe, but not self-termination.”

[Kowalski takes a deep breath and shakes her head.]

“So does all that make sense?”

[G'nnor wraps their forelegs around each other. (Ms. Kowalski thinks this is their body-word for 'hold on, I’m thinking’.) Suddenly they freeze, then begin rapidly stomping one foot. (Ms. Kowalski says this is the N*zerethli equivalent of a boisterous laugh.)]

“Grinda, you humans really do come from the most death-world of death-worlds! Even your own brains are always trying to kill you!”

[Kowalski does a double-take, then laughs along with them.]

(*Transcriptionist’s note: When questioned why a knife had been taped to the cleaning robot, Ms. Kowalski explained: “Because it’s really funny whenever it rolls by and cuts the ankle of someone caught unawares.”)

Edit: more from Kowalski and the N*zerethli!

Aliens might not know about guns. 

On earth, humans are unique among all animals for our ability to throw with any kind of accuracy and strength. Other great apes can grab stuff and throw it, but with, perhaps, the strength of a six year old (relatively speaking). They can’t throw something very far or hard, relative to its weight and momentum and all that other physics stuff.

Our arm joints are uniquely evolved for the full range of motion which allows us to grab something and throw it hard enough to do damage. 

I’m going to oversimplify but, our advancement of ranged weapons began when we picked up a rock and threw it, then some bright spark added some reach by tying the rock to a stick so we could throw it further. Then we developed it more and worked out the bow and arrow, so we could shoot further, with better accuracy and more penetrating power.  Centuries later inventive persons added more mechanics to the bow and created the crossbow, all in the name of more power, range and accuracy. Finally someone added gunpowder to the mix and we started developing guns, working out ways of improving their range, accuracy and penetrating power.

All of that stemmed from the very simple seed; we can throw things hard and far and wanted to throw things harder and further. 

If aliens followed the same pattern as the majority of life on earth, they’d be much better with melee fighting than any kind of ranged fighting. Their weapons technology may have followed along similar lines, coming up with better and better melee and martial weapons for close combat where they could use speed, strength, dexterity, or a combination of all the above, to try and defeat their opponents.

They may have developed steam power, internal combustion, or other things during their technological development, but never thought to apply it to weaponry. Here on earth, the ancient Greeks knew about steam power, but never thought to apply it to any kind of engine, the aeolipile (or Hero’s Engine) was more of a novelty for amusement. Using steam to power a motor didn’t seem to occur to anyone until thousands of years later. 

So aliens might have developed technology that could have been used in ranged weapons, like explosives, but never thought about ranged weapons, instead using it for landmines, or construction/demolition, because they didn’t have the same development from the same starting point as us; they couldn’t throw. 

So along come humans with these goddamn boomsticks that can hit you before you can even see where they are. They’re running into the fight with lightsabers, but we’re taking down wave after wave with blasters. Truly terrifying. 

Humans are a strange combination of hardy and fragile. While their bones can be more easily broken than those of other species, and their muscles tear so easily that their own brains trick them into thinking they are weaker than they are, they can heal from nearly any wound, given proper care. In fact, human’s bodies are so good at regenerating themselves that they have developed a variety of disease, called cancer, which results from an incorrectly formed cell replicating too quickly for their body to destroy it. They have the potential to regenerate themselves to death, truly astonishing.

Dear Kloev,

In a recent battle, one of our human soldiers was stabbed in the torso. Believing her to be dying, I went to her side to offer what comfort I could and ask about her culture’s death rituals, that we could properly care for her remains. Instead of answering my questions, she insisted that she would not die and told me to press on her wound to stop the bleeding. I obeyed, not wishing to distress her further. A few minutes later our human medic arrived and took over.

When we returned to the ship, the human doctor spent much of a cycle in the medical room with her. I was concerned that humans do not deal well with the death of their comrades, I had heard that they can be very stubborn and vindictive when they lose a crew member, but there was no wailing and no other humans went in. When the doctor exited the medical room, he said that she needs to heal but will recover in a few weeks. “But she was stabbed in the abdomen!” I exclaimed. The doctor gave me a funny look and explained that he had to repair several of her internal organs and give her several units of blood, but with the medic so close she was in little danger, considering.

Now she is already walking around and doing work, although she is not allowed to work a full cycle because she becomes tired easily. That wound would have killed any other species, and they took extra blood from another human and put it into her body. I am told this is something that is done regularly when a human loses blood. These humans are truly terrifying!

——————

Humans have become famous for their ability to survive injuries and illnesses that would kill other species, but every time I see one of these stories I am again astonished. Humans routinely survive after losing one, two, even all four limbs! Humans can live without some of their internal organs, and even those they cannot live without they can often live with only part of, or only one of if they are organs which come in pairs. In fact, this is such a possibility that should one human lose both of a paired organ, such as their lungs or kidneys, another human may donate one of their pair of the same organ in order to allow the first human to live. Not only does this work well enough that both humans live with few complications, this is done multiple times per day on most human planets!

Thousands of illnesses exist for humans, and very few, perhaps a dozen, are considered unable to be treated. Most humans expect to catch at least one illness every year, and many of those who do catch an illness will continue to work normally while experiencing symptoms. More serious illnesses will require humans to rest, and some require direct medical attention, but even those humans have often created medicines to treat and nearly eliminate fatality for previously healthy individuals.

Humans approach their health care with the same reckless abandon they exhibit in all aspects of their lives. It is not unusual for human doctors to use substances to treat illnesses without understanding how they work! I have been told that medications for many illnesses have been discovered because the medication was being used to something else and “just happened” to cure this other illness as well. In turn, human doctors then begin to use the medication to treat this new illness even if they don’t know why the medication works or, in some cases, even what causes the illness.

Some human illnesses are very difficult for them to treat, or leave lasting damage to the body, and so humans have found a way to prevent them, which they call vaccines. These vaccines are made up of small amounts of the organism that causes the illness, which has been killed or rendered harmless. The organisms, in the form of the vaccine, are then injected into the healthy human in order to contaminate them with a small amount of the illness so that their immune system can “learn” to fight off the illness. Human scientists say that they have used this process of deliberately exposing individuals to an illness in order to prevent it for hundreds of years and have been able to completely eliminate some deadly illnesses in the population completely.

The recklessness does not end there. The disease I mentioned above, cancer, has a high mortality rate for humans because it is an illness created by their own bodies, making it difficult to target with medications and surgery. However, in their usual daring manner, humans have discovered that particular substances, which poison and destroy their bodies, destroy the cancer cells faster than other cells. Because of this, they will purposely poison themselves in order to treat this illness. If that is not sheer recklessness, I’m orange!

The humans were at third meal when Zork'ak sat on the bench. The nutrient researchers had been experimenting with the human flavors, attempting to add it to the meals. This bowl had a slight ‘savory’ undertone that Zork'ak very much enjoyed.

           Wren moved over to allow Zork'ak to sit next to her, which caused a weird constriction around xer straque, xer fluid-pumping organ. Wren smiled at xem, and it happened again. Xe might need to go to the medical wing after meal.

           "I don’t feel sorry,“ Adam was saying.

           "You sprained my wrist!” Steve was clutching his extremity to his chest.

           "You should’ve landed the right way.“

           "Oh, shut up,” Carrie grumbled.

           As Carrie lifted her utensil to her mouth, Zork'ak caught a glimpse of a long cut running the length of the lower half of her extremity. “How did you hurt yourself, Carrie?”

           She looked surprised. “Where?” Zork'ak carefully traced the line with xer talon. Carrie twisted to look at the scabbed cut. “Hmm. Wonder when that happened.”

           "The piercing of your skin sends pulses through your nerves, correct?“

           "Well, yeah.”

           "So you should feel it.“

           "Well, I mean. You usually do. I guess I just didn’t notice when it happened this time.”

           "Sometimes our body can be more focused on other things or like the pain is so minor we barely notice or remember it,“ Adam said. "I mean we obviously notice big things.”

           "I probably cut on something while we were at the collection field.“ Carrie continued eating.

           "She also is the kind of person who doesn’t notice a lot.” Adam closed his eye in what Zork'ak had been told is called a 'wink.’ “I, on the other hand, do notice things like this.” He flipped his extremity over to reveal two blue spots on his arms. Zork'ak did not study human bodily science, just behavior so xe did not know what this medical condition was.

           "What disease do you have?“ Zork'ak leaned forward to look at Adams, running a talon over the skin to see if it felt different. Xe had been told that xe could touch the humans without asking permission in these situations.

           "Oh, it’s not a disease. It’s called a bruise. It means my blood vessel, the tube that brings the blood to all my organs, was ruptured. It’ll go away after a few days.”

           "You rupture delivery vessels that are necessary to keep your organs functioning and it does not affect your body?“

           Adam shrugged. "We have multiple blood vessels.”

           "Is this an extremely painful occurrence?“ Zork'ak had noticed humans did not seem to mind pain.

           "Nah. I mean, you can usually tell if you are going to bruise because it hurts a little when that spot gets hit, but very minor.”

           "So you don’t notice when you are cut but when one of your… blood vessels,“ Adam nodded,” blood vessels ruptures but you do notice when you touch an object too hard.“

           "Uh, kind of? It just really depends.”

           Zork'ak did not understand how some humans would notice these nerve impulses but others did not. Xe turned to look at Wren, who had been listening to the conversation, and noticed a dark purple spot on Wren’s upper extremity.

           "What is this?“ Xe pointed at the spot on Wren’s arm.

           "Uh,” Wren tried to twist her extremity. “Where?” She was stretching it out, twisting around, finally able to look at the spot on the back side. “Oh, bruise.” She poked it. “Ouch. That hurt.” She proceeded to press it again. And again.

           "Wren?“ She touched the spot again and wrinkled her nose. "Why do you continue to press the spot that hurts?”

           She looked at xem. “You know, I don’t have an explanation really. I guess it doesn’t hurt that much so it’s enticing to keep pressing it to see if it hurts more each time. I’m not sure.”

           "How did you get that bruise?“

           "Couldn’t tell you.”

           Zork'ak looked back at Adam. “I thought you said you all noticed when you have ruptured your blood vessels, and that one looks more painful.”

           "Hers is a dark color because it’s healing, not because it’s more painful. Bruises are nearly the same pain level. Some hurt when you press them,“ he cut his eyes at Wren, "but having them doesn’t hurt really.”

           "She does not know how she received hers.“

           He looked at her arm, then his. "Like I said, it depends.”

           "But.“ Zork'ak was looking at their bruises. "How do you-you don’t notice-I do not understand.” Klyls always noticed any abnormality in their body’s functioning. There was not a time that Zork'ak had not noticed something causing xem pain.

           "It’s complicated, I guess. Our species doesn’t have set rules really.“

           "I have noticed.” Xe looked at Wren. “It makes your species quite hard to study.”

           She laughed. “Good. You can’t know all of our secrets.” She winked at xem then.