5 years ago I was severely depressed. My self image had never been particularly good, but as I crossed over puberty, it only got worse, and I was at an all-time low by the time i was in high school. I could never figure out exactly what it was that I hated about myself. Everything, I guess? I would look at myself in the mirror and see that I wasn't ugly in any major way, but I still hated what I saw. I had all but convinced myself that I would just be unhappy forever, and that this self-loathing would just be something I had to live with.
It didn't click with me immediately that the answer was that I was trans. I experimented with names and pronouns within my circle of close friends, but a part of me always wondered if what I was doing was "right". I had a very long period of feeling like a fraud, like i wasn't *actually* trans, and that this farce wouldn't ever change the fact that i was hideous in a way that i could never pinpoint.
When I was accidentally outed to my parents, it didn't go over great. They didn't yell or scream or kick me out, which I'm grateful for (even though that's beyond bare minimum for how you should treat your child). They didn't understand, though. And they didn't want to. They didn't believe me. It was fine when other people were trans, but me? I was faking it for attention. When I had come out as lesbian a year prior (I thought wanting to dress in men's clothes just meant I was a butch lesbian. whoops), they hardly batted an eye. Now my "progressive" parents were denying my transness, setting up "tests" for me to prove myself (forcing me to get my hair cut as an example), and even afterwards, never truly accepting me. They would talk about me behind my back to my family and friends, trying to convince everyone that i was a fake.
Funnily enough, though, the more my parents tried to deny my identity, the more secure I felt in it. I have always been a stubborn person, and a part of me might have leaned heavier into my transness just to spite them, but I've never regretted for a second standing firm in my identity and forcing my parents to take me seriously.
5 Years later, I'm no longer in contact with one of my parents, but it's for the best. The other one, although she still doesn't completely understand, accepts me and no longer doubts my identity. I've been on testosterone for about 2 or 3 years, and am currently looking at top surgery options. It was funny how simple the answer to my self loathing was in retrospect. As soon as i actually started to truly see myself as a man, it was like a switch flipped. I thought I would be miserable forever, but now I've never been happier in my own skin.
It gets better. Your feelings are valid. You don't have to prove yourself to be part of this community. We love you.
it doesn't sound like it's been an easy road, but so happy to hear about how much happier you are now - you deserve that!
