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Steph: what’re ya doin’, orderin’ a bomb strike??? Ya look like you’re facin’ th’ fuckin’ firin’ squad

Jason: *not looking up from his phone* ya know how ya open a fuckton of fanfics on your phone, then th’summaries an’word counts start t’intimidate ya and ya start lettin’ some sit too long out of intimidation?

Steph: sure

Jason: well I’m scrollin’ just enough on every fic to hide all the important info, then mixin’ all m’tabs ‘round an’forcin’ myself t’choose one at random

Steph:

Steph: you shuffled your fanfiction

.

It started with Dick pondering about the whole "secret identity" thing as a young Robin. The news are partially about Brucie Wayne, young dad extraordinaire setting an example for all reformed rakes turned fathers.

Then half of it is about speculations on Batman's true form — because while they all could've sworn that Batman was, well, a man... most investigators are hesitant to consider him human now because suddenly there's a toddling colorful child creature bobbing along after the living legend, with the same moves and capabilities as the Bat

Dick gets the brilliant idea to make Bruce into it

"Think about it!" Dick said on that first patrol, "People won't think too harsh on Batman if they figured that I'm just your little cub who is also made to fight crime, instead of a human kid out on the streets at night."

Bruce narrowed his eyes, but there's no harshness in his gaze. He's looking at this little boy, with messy curls of black and the sweetest shade of blue in his eyes. A reflection of him. How cruel it is of this boy to play with his feelings.

"You want people to think that the Batman is a creature that can give birth?" Bruce repeated carefully.

"More than that! I want them to think you're my mother!"

"...same thing."

"Bleh!"

.

It works as Dick proposed. Lesser ties made to Bruce Wayne, a cisgender man who can definitely not give birth, to Batman, a creature that allegedly birthed Robin. Bruce thinks it's the stupidest solution to a common problem, and he made Brucie.

But it works so they let the story run wild. Bruce doesn't mind so much as the weird, hungry, curious gazes that some villains and thugs give him.

Dick seemed to find it hilarious when ladies stopped Batman in the streets to tell him to rest because "you just gave birth!!"... only until said people also tell him to "respect your mother!"

Overall, it was just another one of those weird things a vigilante resorts to for the sake of operational efficiency...

...

Until one time, Robin had gotten captured in a ship rigged to blow, and villains left and right were hitting him everywhere.

Batman had priorities on the other side of the docks. Robin just had to distract everyone else, and this was a distraction technically. But everything hurt and some of the older men were looking at him funny and he can't move and he wants to go home.

"MAMA!" Robin shrieked into the night.

And descended from the shadows was the Batman, in all his apparently motherly glory — towering above 6 feet, maybe more, because animals grow their appearance when preparing to pounce. A culmination of darkness and rage. Armed to the teeth with weapons and artful precision.

His white eyes turn to a bloodied, shaking young Robin, then to the rest of the fools who dared breathe his boy's air. The sound of rage he made was not human.

Every move is calculated and efficient; not with the aim to kill, but to make an example of the bastards who dared hurt his little bird.

.

This story will be passed along the underworld of Gotham for years to come as more and more of the Bat's brood grew

And this secret will be inherited from Robin to Robin, Batgirl to Batgirl

Bruce is a father — providing, stern, careful

But Batman? They each came from his symbol, his cloth, his rearing. And Batman is a much more violent creature when it comes to protecting those who have his mark.

Years later and he doesnt judge Kakashi for reading icha icha just bc "ewww shitty porn and cheesy plotlines!!" No. He hates it because because his own fanfiction hobbies were RUINED by the reality of being thrown face first into a classic situation at 600mph

He also wrote a fanfiction about him and Rin kissing but immediately ripped it up and threw it into a fire out of pure embarrassment. He can't disrespect Rin like that!!! It isn't right!!! Now Kakashi on the other hand,, (that one also goes into the fire after only 3 lines, but mostly because Obito refuses to look himself into the mirror about it.)

(Funnily enough, Rin would probably be the one on his team ok with this discovery of she ever learned of it. Kakashi would think he's a freak tho.)

He has an ongoing fic he refuses to actually put to pen (but that exists in his head) that's literally just him as the #CoolestGuyEver on team 7. Its pretty much just 50k words of him being totally cool and badass and saving Rin, Kakashi and Minato from tons of situations. Rin and Kakashi being all over him going "wow Obito you're so cool!" as Rin blushes and calls him her hero and Kakashi admits he was wrong about him and asks if he can lean on Obito as a trusted, reliable comrade.

Big Ass Merman AU MadaTobi Bonus:

I saw this post by @hashiramashonkers, and naturally, my first thought was MadaTobi 😆

Damian: you complain that we're mean to you but it's clearly how you prefer to be spoken to.

Dick: *high pitched laugh*

Tim, indignant: no don't- shut up Nightwing, don't laugh at that, that's not what he meant.

Damian: no no, don't worry, i'm sure it reflects how you are in the bedroom as well,

Tim: HEY.

Dick: *laughing louder*

Tim: you can't fucking- you're a child, you can't infer stuff like that about me!

Dick, mouth clearly full: child on child crime.

Tim: shut up- stop eating my breadsticks-

Dick, mouth full: the fuck brings breadsticks on patrol? *fabric shifting* you are way too short to take these off me, give up.

Damian: -look i'm just saying you very clearly don't know how to respond when people are friendly with you on a consistent basis. you're more comfortable being insulted, you like the power play of succeeding under duress and insults.

Dick: *slight cough* to be- to be fair that could just be because he's not used to having friends.

Tim: oh- OH- *supremely indignant* DON'T YOU DARE- if any of us isn't used to having friends, it sure as fuck isn't me.

Damian: *snort* ok then who?

*pointed silence*

Damian: why are you looking at me like- ...

Damian, dry: you must be joking.

Dick: it's alright Robin, you just... weren't in the right environment to-

Damian: I HAD FRIENDS?!?!

Tim, audibly gleeful: cattle doesn't count.

Damian: shut the fuck up- look i'll get Hood on call, you'll fucking see-

Dick: Rob, i don't think he'll answer any texts right now, he's undercover on a case. he hasn't been answering me the whole weekend.

*connecting ping*

Jason, amidst muffled bass-boosted music: yo, you told me to join this line?

Dick: oh you fucking favouriting bitch-

Tim: *cackles*

Dick, instant: -and what are you laughing at, degradation kink?

Tim: *abruptly silences*

Jason: ...what the hell did you just drag me into? i'm in a club bathroom right now Day, i'm literally infiltrating a drug ring.

Damian: i know but this was important, you said you'd always talk no matter where you were if i said it was important.

Jason: yeah, and? you're all on patrol right now, right? do you need backup? i'm wearing silver booty-shorts and a beaded necklace right now, man.

Damian: i didn't need to know that.

Dick: i fuckin' did. that's my brother, ladies and gentlemen!

Jason: yeah yeah, i know you dream of this, don't worry.

Tim: i hate both of you so much.

Jason: so why am i here?

Damian: tell these two imbeciles that i had friends when i was younger.

Jason: ...are you taking the piss?

Tim: Rob come on, you were the prince of a murder cult. i believe you had servants you were amicable with?

Damian: I HAD FRIENDS.

Jason: *considering hum*

Tim: HA.

Jason: well- *annoyed huff* ok, well, he did and he didn't. they were my friends, but they liked him too.

Damian, indignant: they were not just your friends,

Jason: they were- to be fair to Damian, there were kids his age in the compound. some of the new trainees would come in as young as five, as depressing as that is. plus some of the servants and assassins would knock each other up, and Ra's both didn't care enough to have the kids killed, and also didn't care enough to grant maternity leave. so as long as you raised your kids not to get in the way of anything, they were just allowed to chill with the parents around the base.

Damian: see. i had children to play with, not just servants.

Jason: yeah but Damain, they didn't like you.

Damian: *offended noise*

Tim: *slow build of laughter*

Damian: i wasn't- they didn't all hate me,

Tim, through giggling: oh, sweet vindication,

Jason: dude they did. you kept calling them 'expendables' and telling them that your brother could beat up their parents whenever you asked him to. it was- it actually caused problems, because i had to tutor some of those kids and they were too terrified of me killing their parents to focus on learning.

Tim, still laughing: oh my- dude, you were insufferable! you were like- *gleeful* you know what this is? you were essentially the league equivalent of that kid on Roblox who tells everybody his dad is the game dev and he could get you banned.

Jason: *abrupt laughter* holy shit he was-!

Damian: i was NOT-

Dick, also giggling: aw, that's actually so cute though! you were so proud of Hood being your brother!

Damian: shut the fuck up.

Tim: i knew you were a friendless child.

Damian: I WAS NOT- HOOD.

Jason: *laughs* ok, ok no to be fair to the kid, he didn't have friends his own age, but he still hung out with people. i had a platoon of my most trusted subordinates that i worked real closely with after i was made general or whatever, and he hung out with us a lot.

Tim: ok so- that's not him having friends, that's being nice to your boss's little brother.

Jason, snorting: no genuinely, they loved him. these guys were more friends than subordinates anyway--they had to be for me to trust them that much, so they were chill. we used to sneak Day out into the villages around the compound sometimes, they thought he was funny. he shot a dove once.

Damian: SEE. eat shit Red.

Dick: hold on what do you mean he shot a dove- i thought he loved animals?!!?

Tim: i still don't buy it. you are way too antisocial to have grown up in an environment where you had lots of friends.

Jason: Tim, Bruce told me that last week you got so tired of talking to people that you sat in the car for four and a half hours playing on your ipad while he went and took a WE meeting for you.

Damian: *scoff* oh and I'M the antisocial one?!

Tim: ...Hood i thought you were undercover get the fuck off our line.

The whole room stops, and Tim stares wide-eyed at the jar before backing away in slight disgust

Tim: What is that? Aren’t you supposed to be on bed rest?

Bruce: Your spleeeennnn

Tim: What?

Dick: What.

Bruce: You got sick last month, and it was bad… I felt bad… spleen…

Jason: *turning to Tim* You were missing your spleen? When the hell were you gonna tell anyone?!

Tim: Slipped my mind, anyway, how did you find out?

Bruce: I go into the League of Assassins servers and whatnot from time to time ever since Damian came into the family, no biggie

Duke: And you...?

Bruce: Infiltrated them about two hours ago to steal back your brother's spleen?

Bruce: Yes

Steph: Are you on drugs? You sound like you’re on drugs. What did Alfred give you?

Bruce: I don’t remember, something for my broken ribs

Cass: *standing up and leading Bruce to sit down in a chair* How many?

Bruce: Three, not a big deal. Anyways, spleen. *grins widely*

Jason: Wait... you infiltrated the League of Assassins while high

Bruce: *looks confused* What, like it's hard?

Damian: *had left the room earlier, is now back with a glass of cold water* Baba, please drink

Bruce: *takes glass and ruffles Damian’s hair* Thank you, baby, you’re so good to me. I love you so much *starts kissing his cheeks while Damian weakly tries to escape*

Dick: … *only slightly jealous* I’m calling Alfred

Tim: investigating the sex crime rings is the worst, but you gotta admit it does open your eyes to how... wide, the range of people's specific tastes are.

Damian: ok i'm not touching that box. that's clearly a box of uncleaned sex toys; im a minor, that's all you Nightwing.

Dick: *disgusted* mmmmm..... *whining* i'm gonna get a disease,

Tim: you're literally wearing gloves; we need to take some stuff back for DNA tracking.

Dick: well that's easy for you to say, you don't have to look through the used stuff!

Tim, unsympathetic: -listen i wanted to raid this place yesterday, before the orgy. you made us wait, you can deal with the consequences.

Damian: what are you looking at Red?

Tim: come see.

*a beat*

Damian: *snort* holy fuck, how many different ones are there?

Tim: that's what i mean, like who decides to manufacture this?!

Dick: *sounding slightly ill* what are you two looking at? i don't want Robin too deeply involved in this case, guys, he's just supposed to be lookout.

Damian: Red found the lube stash. we're seeing how many different flavours there are.

Tim: i feel like if banging isn't that satisfying for you on its own, then the problem is probably something way different than the flavour. i don't think these would help.

Damian: honestly if i was sucking dick and i tasted blueberries it would probably take me out of the mood, just from pure confusion.

Dick, aghast: ROBIN. i don't wanna hear you talking about that kind of thing?!

Damian: i'm almost fifteen, Nightwing.

Tim: *abrupt laugh* ok, you turned fourteen like two months ago-,

Dick: EITHER WAY TOO YOUNG.

Damian: *snicker*

*dull clattering*

Tim: HOLD ON, EVERYBODY SHUT UP. ok i found the winner. ladies and gentlemen, bakewell tart flavoured lube.

Damian: *cackles* no way,

Dick: guys, stop messing around. we don't know when they'll come back.

Tim: my thing about flavoured lube is that, like; somebody at the factory has to check the flavour is right before they roll it out to the public, right? so do you think- *snicker* do you- somewhere out there, there is a guy whose job is literally, 'eat lube'.

Damian, holding back laughter: ah, my dream job.

Tim: *cackle*

Damian: do you think it's accurate?

Tim, pointed: ...i dunno..,

*three seconds of silence*

Dick, wary: what are you guys doing over there?

Tim: i mean... it's still sealed and unopened, nobody's touched this one.

Damian: i will give you five dollars.

Tim: five dollars is not worth eating strange foraged lube from a crate in a warehouse, Robin.

Damian: ten.

*a beat*

Tim: yeah ok.

*faint uncapping noise*

Gojo Sensei: Aw, there's my precious student.

*Proceeds to teleport away with Yuji a second later*

*Jujutsu High's alarms go off as a tsunami of curses envelope the school*

Yaga wants to retire already.