I just beat someone in the finals of a Magic the Gathering online tournament whose screenname was “LukeWalton.” I realize this post is gonna be kind of a deep dive, enjoyable only to people who are familiar with MTG and a mediocre small forward for the Lakers who's famous mostly because of who is dad is, but I have feelings on this I need to get out into the world, so here we go:
His screenname is “LukeWalton.” Not “LukeWalton1,” LukeWalton2,” “LukeWalton4” (his team number with the Lakers), “LukeWalton1980” or anything like that. Just LukeWalton. Please god let this mean that I was playing the actual Luke Walton. I need it to be him. I want my image of his goofy, 6' 8'' frame curled over a too-small laptop, clicking away as he puts all his hopes in his two drops and his aggro curve, thinking “Yeah bro! Yeah! R/W aggro gets there!” to be true. I want his face's shift from the classic Walton droopy-eyed, mouth-agape smugness to bright-eyed, frustrated, jaw-grinding rage as he realizes that, in fact, R/W aggro does NOT always get there and he's about to get swept 2-0 by my sweet, sweet U/W skies deck. I want his anger at losing to be indicative of a hyper-competitive man who has spent a lifetime winning, but also a lifetime of never quite being good enough. Not good enough to be a true starter on the Lakers, not good enough to get out of his father's shadow, and not good enough to avoid being killed by my flying djinn monks and Abzan Skycaptains.
When I say he got angry at losing, I mean of course he had to complain about my “perfect topdecks” that let me come back and beat him both games. (What a classic Luke Walton move, right?) Complaining about top decks is not only the lamest complaint in the history of magic, it also shows the truth in Luke Walton's heart: He thinks he always deserves to win. I've got news for you Mr. NBA, maybe instead of worrying about topdecks, you should worry about drafting an aggro deck that isn't so linear and underpowered that I can easily brick your attacks on the ground and kill you with 2/2's in the air. Also, saying “actually my hand in G2 was great, I just didn't draw ANY of my dragons” is the second-worst excuse in the history of magic.
I know in drafting you don't pick your colors, you just take what's open, but I want to believe that Luke Walton wanted to draft red/white, a color pair that was good in the previous format but is underpowered and linear in the current format of DDF. I want him to believe that r/w is a strong color archetype because it's just enough of a misunderstanding of the format to be poetically descriptive of him as a person. It seems fast, powerful and like it should always win in like 6 turns, but actually depends on very specific “Kobe Bryant” rares to win and is pretty weak and underwhelming without them. JUST LIKE YOUR BASKETBALL CAREER LUKE.
Sorry if this post is coming off too hater-y. I'll admit that about 100 percent of my negative opinion of Luke Walton is based on my blinding hatred for his haircut. I realize he can't help the hair he was born with and this is a fairly shitty stance to take, but still. It's like God decided to design the smuggest, most annoying face possible, then put that haircut on there as an absolutely divine masterstroke of icing on the incredible “god I just want to punch this guy in the face” cake. The other 100 percent of my dislike for him is based on my hate for the Lakers as a whole, which every self-respecting Sixers fan from the Iverson Era has.
P.S.:Allen Iverson would totally play a R/W aggro deck right. Every game would be a mix of Atarka Efreets into Temur Battle Rages and Sandsteppe Outcasts into War Flares, just straight blitzing the shit out of you with a speed that makes you want to puke. Would he throw an occasional Lose Calm into Collateral Damage in there for the fans?
You know that he absolutely would.
