Setting myself free is an everyday process. What exactly am I setting myself free from? Is it an act of abandonment or surrender? Am I saying yes to defeat?

Everyday is exhausting. Eversince I started to walk in faith and said 'yes' to God's calling, I've been more aware whenever I fall short and give in to my own selfishness. Truly, being a human drains out the life in me. When I get angry towards a friend or someone, it feels good to be right but at the same time I feel so bad because I know something's not right. Everytime I get so insecure because all I see is what other people have and what I don't have, it creates this gap towards my relationship with Chtist. When I feel a strong sense of bitterness in my heart, which I know rips my confidence in Christ and diverts my attention to unimportant things; I feel my soul crying to be set free. I feel this silent war inside of me. This struggle of wanting to engage myself to my own bitterness, comforting myself by saying 'yes' and be entitled with my own feelings which doesn't reflect the whole identity that God has created for me.

I want to free myself.

God would never want me to feel this way.

But why do I always go back running in circles in this exact place?

It's weird but sometimes I feel like I've grown comfortable with my own demons. Like Princess Aurora who knew she would be put to sleep forever once she place her finger on the tip of the needle. It doesn't make her any stupid, it's just that she's so drawn to the comforts of... darkness.

It's compelling. It's addictive. Those soft whispers of lies felt like the sound of a lullaby and for so long I believed so. I believed those lies were the truth.

It imprisons me and takes away the life where I can possibly live with pure joy and eternal happiness.

Acknowleding my own bitterness is a refusal. A refusal to listen to His voice and I am learning that the hardest way. You know you are in the wrong but you refuse to listen.

That's why I always feel like I should just throw away whatever faith I have because I will never ever get this right.

But Jesus, Jesus who never gives up on me, always speaks to me in subtle voices and if I don't make myself sit still, I'll just miss it.

Hebrews 12:2

fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Today I found comfort in the words from Hebrews 12. God tells me that indeed darkness is compelling. He warns all of us in the very beginning of the text but He wants us to endure.

He wants us to endure by looking unto Jesus. Jesus, who always pulls me out on deep waters everytime I drown at sea. He is my redeemer. My savior. The pure love that I never deserve but need.

God wants me to look unto Jesus everytime I feel discouraged and weary. When I feel like giving up

Hebrews 12:5 -7

5 And have you completely forgotten this word of encouragement that addresses you as a father addresses his son? It says, “My son, do not make light of the Lord’s discipline, and do not lose heart when he rebukes you, 6 because the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and he chastens everyone he accepts as his son.” 7 Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?

I wish I could quote all of Hebrews 12 but I know it would be a joyous journey if you do it yourself and at your own pace. God is waiting for you! He longs to be with you always. Every hour and every second in every day.

I wish I'll be inspired to write again!! But for now I must settle for junk thoughts and loser vocabulary and undriven thoughts.. eek.. what am i saying???

2020 is a mix of many different things. Like halo-halo. You might think that these things will not go together but when you try to eat them all together, it's very delicious. So, I am keeping my hopes up even though some things didn't go according to plan.. but hey, some things did! :,-)

January-ish

I decided to finally take the risk and commit myself into a d-group!!! I am proud of you hun!!! You are such a hard shell to crack sometimes. One hell of a stubborn introvert but hey, this is gold!!! You have to pat yourself on the back for this!!!

February-ish

Met some people, attending church which I never imagine I will be friends with as of today. I mean, we shared some pizza and ice creams ANDZZZZ IT ZO AWKWARD THINKING ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW but hey who would have thought that they will be my church family.

March

And it all went crazy!!! Covid hit Manila and several lockdowns have to be done. And I started home- schooling since then. It's just 3 months away before graduation. Everything went 360°.

Dad couldn't go home because of this pandemic. There's no graduation anymore. Thesis is a disaster but u still have to push through regardless of these changes. Major major changes.

Blessings fell on our feet as well, God gave us 6 beautiful babies. One died the next day but yayyyy. I'm proud that finally Aashi became a mother and had her own children. It was panicky at first because you don't know what to expect, how to handle dog-birth at home. How to take care of puppies, is she gonna go through a lot of pain??? How are we gonna know what the babies' genders are... But you managed all these things... High five!!! ^_^

April

Still adjusting but it was somehow a relief for me since I get to be with my family... These month we're not yet getting on our nerves. Still feeling blessed. Struggling with online classes. Struggling with review...

May

Pretty much the same as April I guess... Online classes + online d-groups weekly.

June

Gaaaaaaaaah, u failed your revU but God gave you a chance!!! You passed and now you are on the list of graduates!!! Errrrr its not a good memory but I'll take it!!!!!

++++ how could I forget. Its my birth month, they surprised me with a family zoom meeting and letters from hs friends and family. It was all so thoughtful and i cried so hard. It was a wonderful blessing and a memory that i'll always keep. Its unforgettable. Hard to miss because pandemic brought a different vibe to celebrating birthdays. +++ Church family surprised me too. It was really unexpected and i'm still too shy about it but I gotta fight that shyness ehem, pride.

July

First day was my online graduation. We watched it on youtube. My cousins watched it anddd they were all so supportive. I love them!!! It was those small things that you don't want to miss really. I am happy that we are all so close.

August

Whattttttt time flies so fast. I think this month I started teaching kids on youth hub. Also I went on an online class for ministry called Go-Viral.

++++ its moms birthday. Her sibs surprised her and we r finally able to get out of the house for the weekend. I got maki-filled and ube cheese pandesal-filled. I am blessed just thinking about it!!!! Its very meaningful to see family even just for a brief moment.

September

Pretty much u are emotional this month. U are going through some struggles. Battle in your head and inside your heart. I really want to give you a hug, but when you tried to give yourself a hug you just couldn't comfort yourself back. It sucks :'(

And now its October O_o

Looking back... Those past few months, I was really so short-sighted about the things that are happening in my life. What's happening in the world. But I feel like, I can see it now. A different perspective of some sorts. All countries around the worlds are struggling with the same thing: Covid. I thought its all gonna be dooms day and all but knowing I've survived the past few months, my familly has survived the past few months and we are all still getting through.

We see how other countries are getting back on their feet and is just getting used to this new normal. My country has a lot more problems than Covid-19 but I hope we recover real soon, just like the others.

Looking in a very hopeful perspective.

Its been a year since I've written something here. Its crazy. The world is literally going crazy right now because of the pandemic. I wonder what the future me would tell us about the future. I'll be waiting for her future updates soon....

I miss you, 2019 me. You are so pure and fragile. You always held on to God and His wisdom. You just freely let yourself cry out to Him and you let Him comfort you. I never knew you read Hebrews 12 before. 2020 me though I just read that scripture this year.

Now, your future self has gone cold..

You are still going through the same struggle. I am a loss for words when I read what you wrote last May 2019. Definitely the same struggle. The difference is you are now stone cold. Yikes.

That's probably why God is telling 2020 me this:

Jeremiah 30:11-15

For I am with you and will save you,” says the Lord . “I will completely destroy the nations where I have scattered you, but I will not completely destroy you. I will discipline you, but with justice; I cannot let you go unpunished.” This is what the Lord says: “Your injury is incurable— a terrible wound. There is no one to help you or to bind up your injury. No medicine can heal you. All your lovers—your allies—have left you and do not care about you anymore. I have wounded you cruelly, as though I were your enemy. For your sins are many, and your guilt is great. Why do you protest your punishment— this wound that has no cure? I have had to punish you because your sins are many and your guilt is great.

I miss that heart that wasn't sturdy as this. Why did I've gone so cold? I miss your teachable Spirit. You always accept God's word in your heart like an open embrace. But now, it seems like this heart is clotted with so much hatred, disappointments, and sinful things. But now I learned a thing or two. You are going through a spiritual warfare. And you still are. Because, you still don't want to let your demons down. Tough, isn't it???

I miss your warmth and gentleness. Can you please go back??? I really need you to unfroze this stone cold heart before I reap the consequences of my own stubborness.