yee

my fatigue finally hit ugh i was feeling more energetic this morning and i was contemplating going down for a short treadmill walk but there's no way, i gotta start doing treadmill walks again next week bc i'm running out of time to get into better shape but i'm still not overly worried about it bc i think as long as i have like 3-4 months to get moving i'll be fine

i don't like birthday cake flavored things so much anymore but god damn i got a single birthday cake chobani flip bc i was curious and i immediately had to go order more this morning bc it's soooo good, it's just birthday cake enough to not be gross to me

if i don't have weight loss surgery then i guess i could just register for a spring CNA course and/or start on my prerequisites for nursing school but i haven't really decided on that yet either, that's another thing where i change my mind about it 50 times daily and i'm still like 70% sure that i want to do it but i would really need to learn how to drive before i get started on that and i really haven't been working on that too much lately, it would just be such a huge decision to leave my job bc i know nursing would be really rough for the first few years but there's potential to have a really good and high-paying job that i would probably really enjoy down the line and i've always been interested in healthcare so idk, i know the school would be really hard then the first few years of working in critical care settings would be horrible but after i'm done with that i could leave the bedside and do something less awful, including travel nursing which would allow me to live in places i've always wanted to live for limited periods and tbh that sounds pretty amazing

i kinda fucked up yesterday by ordering spring rolls and chocolate cake but i caught myself and only had one spring roll and a few bites of chocolate cake and i still lost another pound as of this morning, i won't be doing that again anytime soon bc i felt REALLY sick last night and i actually didn't even eat dinner bc i didn't feel good about doing that and i also wasn't hungry and felt really nauseated which is not the worst thing bc i shouldn't have tested my limits like that a few hours after taking my shot lmao that was stupid and i'm normally better about eating more sensibly on my shot day but i was really hungry which is why i did my shot a day early

tbh i might not actually get weight loss surgery, the amount i change my mind about this says that i'm at least not ready to go through with it yet and tbh i think i would be more comfortable going after it after my FMLA resets instead of rushing into it early next year and risking running out of FMLA but i also want to keep going on my tirzepatide bc i do think i should be able to lose a LOT more weight, the weight loss has seemed really slow but my back feels dramatically better almost every week lately and i think once i'm up and walking i can lose a lot of weight super easily plus i can still go up quite a few doses on it to make sure it can continue working

I had a protein bar this morning then a protein shake with banana/peanut butter for dinner lmao i know that's sooo bad so i did an instacart order bc all i want is tuna salad so i got stuff to make my own bc i am in a tuna salad phase

all that said i think i might actually end up skipping one week of my tirzepatide in japan BUT i'm actually going to bring my vial/needles with me and if i'm really not happy with how hungry i'm getting i will just take it again, i just think it might be nice to be a little more free with how i'm eating bc the food in japan is SOOOO good and i just don't think i'm going to be able to eat that much of it but idk i also think i ate wayyy too many snacks last year and it's not like i'm going to be doing THAT much walking every day bc i'm going to be taking plenty of breaks so idk, i'm definitely bringing the meds with me but we'll see whether i actually take them all 3 weeks or if i feel like skipping it

i've already decided that i'm simply not going to do gummies anymore or if i absolutely NEED to have one it'll only be shortly before bed and only half of one, i did NOT like the way it made me eat the other night and my weight went up 3 lbs like immediately which is probably mostly water weight but it still spooked me and i really did not like it, it's tough bc sometimes i do get really agitated about work and nothing else really calms me down like gummies but idk i think i need to only use them if i'm spiraling so badly that i'm crying/having a panic attack and even then i think i should be relying more on my anxiety meds before any meds that would make me eat too much bc that's just going to continue to cause problems for me

ok i did the first step towards weight loss surgery today which is just watching a webinar, then tomorrow i'm going to call my insurance to make sure it's covered and to see what their requirements are and then i can fill out my medical history and the little quiz they want me to do so i can send it to them and set up my initial appointments ahhhh i know this is the right thing to do but it's still scary to think i'm likely going to get part of my stomach removed

idk about nursing but i do feel pretty certain about weight loss surgery, i have been really happy with tirzepatide and i still want to see how far it can take me with weight loss and sometimes i think maybe i should stick it out with the meds instead of going with a drastic and permanent solution but i kinda think that's why i should pursue the surgery?? i don't ever want to be over 300 lbs again and in fact i would love to be under 200 lbs for the rest of my life, i know it's going to be even harder than spinal surgery bc i'll have to learn how to eat all over again and it's going to be very painful/uncomfortable but i figure it can't be worse than continuing to be obese for the rest of my life, tbh i'm kind of excited to look into it and i keep meaning to call the better twin cities' hospital system's weight loss surgery clinic bc it might be best to get the ball rolling now so i can maybe get surgery in february or march

i've kept my potential plan to go back to school for nursing a secret from my manager bc i'm not 100% sure that i'll actually do it and i don't want to put myself at risk by saying i might just leave in a year or two, especially bc i have no idea whether i'll still want to do this next year bc i still need to get through the rest of the year at work (to get to my japan trip of course) then i need to (hopefully) have my weight loss surgery and i'm not really sure whether i'm going to be able to just pick up and move back in with my dad shortly after that happens, right now i'm thinking i'm gonna shoot for like february or march for my surgery tho and i might be able to make that work or maybe in the meantime i will decide that this plan is not a good one but tbh i'm glad i have a lot of time to decide bc this would be a BIG decision and i go back and forth with myself on whether i would be doing the right thing several times each day

my fav bit of gyaru discourse/drama is the ppl that say that minors shouldn't really be doing agejo style bc it's heavily influenced by hostess culture and then that turns into "people under 15/16 shouldn't do it" bc the person posting is a minor and thinks they should be able to do agejo lmao i get that gyaru was created by teens and young adults but god western young ppl can get so fucking annoying about it

my awful EP isn't getting realigned to someone else and i do think that's for the best just bc this issue isn't going to get fixed by him getting aligned to another CSM that he will also disrespect, unfortunately he will just think that every time he refuses to treat a CSM with respect they will just give him a new one to burn through and i need to grow a backbone and continue pushing back against him and reporting it to my manager when he misbehaves like this is a grown man that refuses to learn or adapt to certain processes and my company tries not to hire ppl who act like that so i think a more likely outcome is that he will either get fired eventually or he'll quit bc his ego is so large that redirection will just backfire and he will get upset bc he's held accountable for his clients to the same degree i am

when i was really young i thought the quaker oats guy was actually my mom bc we randomly have a painting of him in our laundry room bc my mom worked in marketing for quaker oats when i was really young and i thought he looked like her