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I’m pushing 50.  I don’t consider that very old.  I’m a geriatric nurse in a first world white middle class society. People aren’t old until their 80+ in this setting.  But I don’t want to talk about first world problems (are they really that bad?) or discrimination (it’s rampant!) or even health care (I got lots of opinions here). I want to talk about love.  

I’ve lived 50 years and been so blessed.  My momma and daddy love me. I have no doubt. I have a baby bro who loves me in his own way.  He’s a tough guy ya know.  I have a baby sis who is one of my best friends. I have great kids that I am close to, yes each and every one of them.  I have grandbabies even, that love their Wehna (that’s their name for me).  I am more blessed than a large portion of humans in the love department.  I know this is true and I didn’t even get into the extended family, and there’s lots of them too!

I want to talk about love for that special person and the reciprocating love they give back.  I’ve not experienced that.  I was married for 24 years.  Certainly he said he loved me but really we had a baby, then another, then another.  We were raising kids.  He needed me and I needed him to give the kids their best lives. I did love him at one time. I did the whole love thing. I would’ve died for him. I did my best to read him an give him what he needed. One day though, a long time ago I realized the only reason he was with me was he needed me. He needed me to be there and I was; therefore, he loved me. I’m not sure he realized it and I’m not here to bash him.  That’s not the point either.  I’m here to ask:

Something I really want to say, but I hope nobody actually reads LOL. I’m posting it really late for that reason. But It just keeps niggling at me so I’m hoping posting it here where nobody reads will get my mind clear. Ok, here goes, don’t read past this point.

A while back, in a game chat, I had just asked not to war.  The temporary leader of the clan at the time was putting together another war team.  We had just fought a few back to back wars and I wanted out. No problem.  Others were wanting in. He got this grand idea to put together what he thought was his dream team while he was chatting with these people.  Me and my ridiculous sense of justice just had to stick our nose out and I suggested maybe it was just his favorites. He said no they were the best. Weird, many other players there and they were being insulted, the main leader was out with surgery and this guy had hit war search.  The people he had in the war were not all the people who wanted to war. Also they were not the best in the clan. I did get peeved. He’s insulting people. They are right there and he’s ignoring them and insulting them. “How can you say those are the best? (nameofplayer) is loads better and stars at each war. why can’t he play” I was called a name and told I was just mad because he didn’t pick me. I didn’t want to war and no I am not the best player. He insisted I was just jealous and started calling me cuss words. Mr. Mean was saying I wanted to war and didn’t like not being in his “best” war. If he had just scrolled back I was very clearly saying I didn’t want to war before he even started his rant AND I was also explaining how I was a terrible player but better than some he chose which tosses his “Best” out of the water. Calling me a b**** was the clincher. I left the clan then. I knew I would come back to the clan I just needed to chill out and wait for Mr. Nasty to not be leading.The real leader came back. He did a private chat with me. I told the leader what happened and he said the guy was drunk and he has a problem with drinking. Real leaderman was sorry and was coming back as leader and said he really wanted me back, awwwww. Cool, I said, I was going to finish visiting and then I’d be back soon. It was all good. Everything was ok, Well, I guess they forgot I was also in their kik chat.  They got on the kik chat the next day. Mr. Pottymouth was talking about how he was drunk (OH! now it makes sense!) and some of the other guys (who were not there and were not chosen as the best according to Mr. Drunk but they didn’t know that because the war was stopped by another coleader the night before) said they liked him drunk and he was fun and they would rather have him drunk then anyone else. Then the leader got on and chimed along with them. Mr. Drunk even said he wouldn’t come back if I did. There were other issues, such as who would colead and such.  Anyhoo, the kik chat degraded so much with everyone supporting him saying they’d rather have him than the “bi*** who couldn’t just sit out a war” (eyeroll for people supporting drunks blindly). To be honest, they didn’t know I was in that chat for a long time. Not until I piped up that I felt it was time to go for good. I didn’t want to be where others didn’t want me. 

Words have definitions.  They have jobs like verbs, nouns, pronouns, etc. the job list is a very long one. They also have connotations.  These are the feelings they evoke beyond the definition.  There’s a lot more to it, but lets start with connotation of the word “divorce.” Merriam-Webster’s definition is:  the ending of a marriage by a legal process. That’s such a simple definition. There is no pain, destruction, tears, desolation or depression that the word “divorce” seems to bring with it. If you described leaving your city as “divorcing my city” the reader knows there’s pain involved as well as hurt feelings probably depression, ie it wasn't a good thing to happen. I am a divorced woman. There is the metonym - divorced woman. There are those out there that assume, the “divorced woman” would of course want to totally financially destroy the man. (there’s loads more that go with this but let’s stick with this part.) This is totally untrue. Divorce does not mean the woman wants to financially destroy the man. Stop that people! Stop that nasty idealization. I actually gave my former husband the ability to take anything he wanted from the home. I was the one who filed so I had that written down in the papers, he could take it all except my personal computer (no I didn’t list my clothes, Yes he could’ve actually taken those as well but he didn’t). I never wanted to harm or hurt him. He didn’t wish to harm me either. He didn’t take everything even though it was offered. I actually had to stop him from throwing everything of his away in the dumpster. The kids informed me he was doing that.  I knew he was emotional (I was too) but I also knew he may regret that later. I wasn’t able to stop everything and I think some high school memorabilia of his got trashed and some beloved furniture :( but that wasn’t me.  Even the home, he wanted it split 50/50 all the way.  I, and 2 of the 3 kids, still lived in it. I paid for maintenance and regular bills, we split the cost of improvements 50/50 and he paid half the house payment, until it was sold, even then it was 50/50 on the sale of the home. There was no child support even though 1 child was in college at the time of the filing, and the other was disabled. It wasn’t necessary. I support them and I have no issue with that. If the disabled one needs something she can ask her father and he pays. There is no animosity. We try to be civil.  What floors me is how many people want to misconstrue it to be terribly uncivil and hateful. Stop it, stop that behavior right now. You don’t know what happened. You don’t know all sides of the story, nor do you have a right to know. That’s between me and him and God and those we choose to share with. Instead why not be loving, be kind, be prayerful (we would both appreciate that), be courteous, and be respectful of us and our adult children please. 

This I ask and one more thing I ask.

I was asked to write a short essay in just 70-100 words, who that was and the effect they had on my life. ARE YOU KIDDING?!?! In just 100 words?!?! SERIOUSLY! ok So I really want to go back to college now and had to do this. Did I mention in just one day? I had to write 8 that’s EIGHT of these thought provoking essays, all condensed down in just one day. This question intrigued me the most. It was the toughest to do actually. How do you wittle it all down and do it justice in just 70-100 words? Well here’s my attempt. I am quite pleased with it.