What's your superpower?

Haven't been here in forever I just can't seem to get into habit to write. But since I can't sleep I decided to come back for a bit. So I'm in the hospital with pneumonia. I've been sick for a week but just thought it was bad cold/cough. Then today as I was getting ready to check out of hotel I started to get this sharp pain in my right side chest are. Hurt to breathe! Luckily I'm in Houston for a conference so I came to the MDA ER. 6 hours later I was told it was pneumonia. I'm like well shit no wonder I feel like crap. But proud of myself bc I was able to do my panel presentation on Thursday. Anyways dr admitted me to hospital to get the strong antibiotics. And I don't know what they gave me but I'm wide awake. Can't sleep. I'm tired but not sleepy. Not to mention my butt hurts from just laying on my back. And don't get me started on this cough. Still won't go away. The nurses keep remarking on how cold the room is and I'm like yea bc I'm fucking sweating out a 103.2 fever and I need the AC on blast. For reals I'm hot all over. Literally sweating. Gonna need a bath in the morning.

So the combo of gemzar/carbo is working!!! Earl has shrunk about a third and slowly dying. I will continue on this chemo for the next 3 months. Then I will go for more scans to see how the chemo has worked. Which will happen to be my birthday and two years to the day that I found my first lump. So it will be an anniversary of sorts. Just hoping to hear that Earl is completely gone or much smaller. Depending on what the scans show will determine what happens next. Once Earl is taken care of I can plan on having my right breast removed. I've been a uniboob for the past year and it's starting to wear on me emotionally. I thought I had it under control but body issues are a bitch!!!! Anyways my surgeon won't operate until cancer is under control. Which I totally understand. But for someone who is stage IV that maybe never happen. I don't want to be a uniboob forever! Yes I do have a prosthesis but they have their own side effects! Everything about cancer has side effects!! Even inanimate objects like my fake boob. Not to mention I like in Texas where it's hot as hell so yea. I've also been having issues on mastectomy area from the radiation. I developed a saroma and it hurts!!!! Apparently not much can be done unless it gets bigger then it can be drained. Until then I massage, do my arm exercises, and pop a pain pill when it gets unbearable. As for work I'm grateful I have a job! Things could be better but they can also be worse so I will just be thankful.

To my tumblr page! I know I've been bad and haven't posted as much as I would like. I will try harder!!! Hope everyone is doing and feeling good!!!!

On Wed. little Hailey passed away. She was just finishing up her chemo for leukemia. I don't know all the details but she had some complications and her frail body couldn't keep going. She was only 12 years old. Her aunt had put me in contact with her when she got Dx. I messaged with her on FB and tried to help ease her fears. I was so caught off guard bc just this past weekend she was posting about how much fun she had on her shopping trip. Today they held a benefit to help pay for funeral costs. The money I donated doesn't seem to be enough. I wish there was something else I could do. Her death puts mine in perspective. Even tho I feel fine tmrw could be different. And just yesterday the tech that was drawing my blood for weekly chemo lab work asked when I will end with treatment. I told her never unless they find a cure. In my head tho I was thinking until I die but didn't want to say bc I didn't want to upset her. Seems like I'm always comforting or making light of how serious my Dx is bc it's just easier than having to explain and then have that person not know how to react or what to say. Anyways I've been thinking more and more about my death, I have no intention of going anywhere just yet, but can't help but think about it. I have even started to write my eulogy. The main thing I want ppl to remember is what not to say! For example: She lost her battle with cancer. This was not a fight I wanted to face. And to imply that I lost my battle means that I gave up. And I'm no quitter!!!! She's in a better place. Well no bc the only place I want to be with is my daughter and family! Not six feet under. She's not suffering anymore. Well I would rather be alive and in pain if it meant more time with my daughter and watching her grow up. There's more but I have started to cry and I'm still at work so I should stop.

Why do you keep growing? What's it going to take to stop you? So I found out that my liver tumor is growing, I have a fatty liver, and liver enzymes are high. How the hell my liver is still working is a mystery to me. The plan is to now change chemo. I am going to change my diet to help control the fatty liver part and do whatever else I need to do to help my liver out. I'm sad and frustrated and angry and just want to be cured and healthy again. But thru it all I am Thankful and blessed for all that I have.

So today was a chemo day. And so that means I can't sleep. I'm tired. I'm tired but can't fall asleep, just lay in bed. That's not a good thing. Why you ask? Because tonight on my mind is my daughters sperm donor. That's the nicest thing I can call him and yet I miss him. But things ended badly. From love to hate. How does that happen? He said I changed. I had a 6 month baby, told I had stage IV TNBC with mets to liver. That I may not make it to 5 year mark. So yes that changes person. How can it not?!? And yet you weren't there when I needed you the most. Instead you blamed me for changing, for not being in out lives. But the truth is that you're. Weak person that couldn't handle the situation so it was easier to leave. How could you abandon your daughter? That I will never understand and never forgive. Yet here I am missing you. I cry and remember the good times. Then I want to hurt you like you hurt me for what you did to us, my daughter doesn't deserve that. She deserves better. She is loved and has everything she needs no thanks to you. So why do I still miss you? Why does part me of me still love you? Why can't I just let it all go?!? To make peace with what happened? I blame chemo for my breakdown tonight.

So I'm hooked up for my 6th chemo infusion. Labs look good and my tumor markers are going down so taking that as a good sign that Earl is dying. And that dramatic SOB is making a big production about it also. But I will take the pain as long as it means that the chemo is killing you. I will be back at MD Anderson next week to get my ct scans and other tests. Then I will meet my drs and see what's going on. Earl is not the only issue. At 33 I have to start thinking about getting my ovaries removed, possible hysterectomy. So not looking forward to that discussion but if it will prolong my life I will do it. And the first person to tell me that I can adopt kids or something along those lines will get punched in the throat! Seriously I don't need to hear about all that. Or that I should be happy that I have my daughter. Quick karate chop to the throat will stop all the shit I don't want to hear. What you shouldn't say to someone who will not be able to have kids.

Thank you!!! :-)

Really Tumblr I try to update and keep up but somehow it just doesn't happen. I'm more of a twitter or FB person. Sigh but I've met and follow some good ppl on here so going to try my hardest. So I'm on this new chemo called Eurbilin (Halaven) since mod Feb. Earl has grown and grown so we are hoping this chemo works. I hope it does bc although it's md "easy" chemo compared to the rest one do the major SE I have is fatigue!!!!! I go on for #5 tmrw. Then # 6 next week. Then iTs back to MDA for scans and tests and meet with drs. There are several other issues we will discuss so it's going to be a hard talk and decision making. Even tho I'm having a down day today emotionally I started reading a new book that I will post about later. It gives me hope. I will heal myself. I will live. I will love and enjoy my life. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

The good news is that my chest, brain, and eyes are all good!!! Nothing to worry about there. The not so good news is that Earl and his minion still find my liver very very comfy and has grown a bit. Grrr...so after discussing options with my dr we decided to continue the clinical trial for 4 more weeks as planned. We will re-evaluate then with more scans and blood work. If at that point Earl is still growing we will change chemos. So still at MD bc they need to see me take my pills and do blood work for this new cycle and it's going to take at a minimum 4 more hrs. I will use that time to have a heart to heart with Earl. Really Earl, I'm a real bitch, you do not want to stick around where your not wanted! (Btw Earl is what I named my large tumor. If you listen to country music it's a song by Dixie chicks: Earl has to die)

:::Start rant in 3.2.1:::: The next person who tells me I can adopt or atleast I have my baby girl is getting punched in the throat. Seriously I know what my options are and I know you didn't mean any harm but after having a long emotional day hearing that shit just reminds me of one more thing that cancer has taken/stolen from me. I have nothing wrong with adopting, I've always said I would adopt kids way before I had my daughter and still want to adopt but just hearing someone say it, especially another breast cancer survivor just struck a never because its something that you shouldn't say to cancer patients who have been told that they will never be able to have kids or to women suffering from fertility problems. Yes there are other options but you never know how someone is dealing with it emotionally. We may look good/okay on the outside but you never know how someone is dealing with it mentally. And to hear that on a day that you are not feeling good hurts like nothing else. So I'm taking my meds and going to bed because today has just been trying. Consider this a PSA an FYI or whatever you want to call it because you may be hurting someone and that was never your intention, you were just trying to help or be nice. Sometimes the best thing to do is just give a hug without having to say anything. Because unless you are in my shoes you will never understand how much it hurts hearing those words. I know you're trying to be supportive and helpful but there are some things you just don't say. Until now I've dealt with everything ok and not much has bothered me but I don't know if it's the chemo or what but recently have been more emotional. I couldn't see my therapist this month bc of scheduling issues but will be seeing her in a couple of weeks. We are gonna need more than the allotted hour! LOL anyhow I've taken something she prescribed to help me sleep which I totally need bc haven't been sleeping well this past week so I hope it works. good night!

Tonight I'm hurting emotionally. Several factors are contributing to this but what it boils down to is that I fell in love with the wrong man, no he doesn't even deserve to be called that bc no man would so what he did. He couldn't deal with my diagnosis among other things and that's fine whatever but what really hurts and angers me is that he left his daughter. He terminated his parental rights bc he didn't want anything to do with her. I know it's not my fault but I can't help but blame myself bc I feel that it's my cancers fault. That if I was healthy things would be different. And I know in my head that it's not my fault or cancer but HIM. He decided to break all his promises. He decided he couldn't be a father. He decided to abandon my daughter. There's nothing I could do. And I wasn't going to chase or beg him or use my daughter like some other women do. I'm better than that. I deserve better than that. My daughter deserves better than that. But right now my brain doesn't care. My heart wants the man I thought he was. I want strong arms to embrace me and hold me and love me. I want hands that wipe away the tears streaming down my face. I want my daughter to have her father in her life. It kills me seeing dads with their daughters. It breaks my heart seeing pictures or commercials or special daddy/daughter days. It breaks my heart seeing the happy couples/families Christmas cards. The buying the presents and wrapping them. Waking up Christmas morning and watching the joy and innocence of our daughter as she celebrates her second Christmas. He destroyed that with his broken promises and bullshit. I destroyed that when I fell in love with him. After all I'm going thru and have been thru I know that this is something small and unimportant but my heart doesn't care. All it wants is to be loved. To have someone I can turn to. To have the unconditional love that everyone hopes for but few get. So I hurt. I shouldn't but I do. I have great support around me. My daughter, my family, my friends, and strangers but I hurt for the one thing I can't have. I've been told that I need to be patient and that I will find love again. But right at this moment that seems unattainable bc who could love someone in my condition? I have to believe that there is but not tonight. Tonight I'm going to continue to cry and let my tears heal my broken heart. Tomorrow is a new day and I will be back to my old optimistic self. But tonight. I hurt. I cry. I blame myself for falling in love with the wrong man. Tonight I feel so alone yet I'm surrounded by the love Of my family. I hurt...

I've been on a clinical trial for TNBC for the past 2 months. Had echo and scan yesterday. So got some good/bad news today. My blood work looks good, my liver enzymes came back down which is good bc dr was slightly worried about it. The bad news is that the scan shows the largest liver tumor grew by about 8%. The smaller one remained stable. And since I'm tolerating these drugs okay dr wants me to stay on it. So will have scans again in 2 months to see how that stubborn tumor, which Liz has named Earl, is doing. Why Earl? Well bc like the Dixie chicks sang Earl has to die! Made it home and finally in my bed.

It's been 6 weeks since I've been on this clinical trial and the chemo is finally catching up with me. My body is tired, sleepy, yet insomnia has kicked in tonight, achy and just plain uncomfortable. Being on chemo is draining. Being on your period is exhausting. But being on both I have no words to describe how other than it can be used as a torture method. So much for chemo disrupting my menstruation cycle. So the passed couple of nights I've been in bed and asleep by 8:30. Both nights I hear my baby giant wake up crying but my knees are so tired and sore that I cant even get out of bed to check on her. It's moments like this that I do really feel sick and how much I hate it!!!! I'm lucky and blessed that my mom and my sister are here to watch her when I can't but it still hurts bc I'm her mommy! I need to be getting up to check why she's crying and rock her back to sleep but this fucking cancer won't let me. So I had myself a pity moment, cried, and texting with a very good friend of mine. He's more like a little brother who has been there for me whenever I needed someone. Even when he was doing his tour in Afghanistan we would text and call. For friends like him I am grateful. I hope that saying is true. Things will be better in the morning!!!

So okay I shouldn't complain about the acne and heartburn this chemo is giving me bc things can be worse. But damn it I can't even look at the mirror bc of how horrible my chin and nose area look. I've tried the gel dr gave me, my regular acne stuff, and aloe but nothing seems to work! Not Inly that but it itches and bleeds a lil. Sigh I just have to suck it up, put on my big girl panties and deal with it. So other than that I'm doing good. The acupuncture has helped with the fatigue but I've noticed that I get sleepy during the day. I know it sounds weird but those are ago very different feelings. Either way trying to get more sleep but working 9 and then my baby girl I don't get enough. Even now I feel guilty about laying in bed writing this post while she's with my mom watching tv in their room. I worry about that I'm not spending enough time with her. This past weekend I was off so I got to spend it all with her. I miss those days when it was just her and me at our old apt. Back when her father loved us. Before BC (breast cancer) so bc I'm a single mom I try to give her everything I can. My sister and mom have taken then responsibility of Caring for her when I'm sick or at work. Should anything happen to me my sister will get full custody and raise her. Since the spineless coward wanted nothing to so with my baby girl not even pay child support I asked him to terminate his parental rights. He did so willingly. It hurt but if he can't be a responsible MAN then my daughter doesn't need him in her life. We both need strong ppl who love us and will be there for is. He proved he wasn't that man. So I am thankful for all the family and friends who stayed in my life an offer their love and support. Some ppl don't have that and I'm blessed that I do. Wen thankful for the damn acne!!! :-)