merrymunky

I thought I would know exactly what I wanted to say to commemorate Lumi’s ‘first birthday’ today. Now it comes to it I can’t find the words. ‘Happy Birthday’ doesn’t feel right. It’s not a happy day. It’s a day of deep sadness. We’ve survived a whole year without our beautiful boy. Every day has been so incredibly difficult. Waking up and remembering he isn’t here. Having to go about my normal life when nothing feels normal anymore. The short time we got to spend with him was so precious but it wasn’t enough. This week is full of heartbreaking memories. Finding out he was gone, carrying him for two more days, being induced, labouring for 10 painful hours, spending 24 hours with him then having to hand him into the care of the midwives and leave the hospital without him...it’s no wonder life became so broken. However I thank him for making us parents. I’m so proud of our little warrior for fighting to stay alive in the womb for so long despite the fact he was not compatible with life. We love him dearly and we miss him desperately. So today we will just remember him and try to go about our lives in a dignified way that would make him proud of us for continuing to parent with empty arms. 💙🌙⭐️ https://www.instagram.com/p/B5Hizg-Jw8u/?igshid=167ozhk7x0qg5

Leaving hospital after labour and delivery is supposed to be euphoric. As parents you are excited to take home your little bundle of joy, anticipating what lays ahead with sheer happiness (and probably some anxiety too!) Just imagine for a moment that this doesn’t happen. Imagine that you felt the pain of labour for hours. Imagine delivering a still and silent baby. Imagine that when it is time to leave you have to hand the body of your tiny son back to a midwife then walk away forever, empty handed. This was our reality 6 months ago today. After 24 hours with Lumi we had to make our way home without him, all dreams shattered. I took him out of his little Moses basket and held him, sobbing...knowing this was the last time I would see him, the last time I would cradle him, knowing my life would be forever scarred with grief. I told him I loved him then returned him to the care of the midwife. How my legs carried me out of the bereavement suite I will never know. It was the hardest thing I have EVER had to do. The most heartbreaking moment of my life. We came home with empty arms and broken hearts. This picture accurately represents how it feels to be a mother without her child. (Image by Lina Scarfi). This is why I will never stop talking about Lumi. He was here. He was loved. He is still loved and will be forever missed. Nothing will fill the holes in my womb and heart. 💙🌙⭐️ #babyloss #babylossawareness #babylossmum #babylossmama #babylosssupport #babylosscommunity #grief #bereavement #lifeafterloss #miscarriageawareness #miscarriage #miscarriagesupport #2ndtrimesterloss #16weeks https://www.instagram.com/p/BxxnniSD2_y/?igshid=frqkqewn8kwo

Lumi, your due date has finally arrived. Of all the days, it had the pure coincidence to fall on this year’s International Bereaved Mother’s Day. It’s so fitting. If ever I needed a day to remember my status as a mother and to honour your existence, today is that day. Thank you for giving me the title of ‘Mum’. Thank you for choosing me. Thank you for fighting for those 16 weeks. Thank you for bringing me so much happiness after years of assuming we would never be parents. Thank you for for giving me so many memories and experiences of being pregnant. Just...thank you. I’m so sorry things didn’t turn out the way they should have. Ten years hoping and praying for you. It seems so cruel that your life ended before it really had a chance to begin. I’m sorry you never got to see how beautiful this world is. I’m sorry we never got to play. I’m sorry we never got to share all our favourite things with you. I was so looking forward to the future with you. I wish I could hold you now, a fully grown, plump newborn with life, warmth and a beating heart. I’m trying to live for you right now. It’s hard and every day is a battle, even when I’m smiling. Just know you are so loved and not a day goes by where my heart doesn’t ache for you. I love you, my precious son. 💙🌙⭐️#internationalbereavedmothersday #babyloss #babylossmum #babylosssurvivor #duedate #babylosswarrior #bereavement https://www.instagram.com/merrymunky/p/BxE5DZ5J6Ra/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=aomwfks61bsb

I’ve decided to save my rather rambling insta story as a highlight on my account so it can be viewed if you are at all interested. I talked about some of my thoughts and personal experiences of baby loss. Eventually I will be blogging and going into some of the more gritty detail about the loss of our precious Lumi. I will also use the platform to share happier memories of the pregnancy prior to loss as well as the grief that followed it. I’ve learned over the last three months that talking about my boy is so helpful. I want to share my experiences so that others who may experience a similar loss can feel less alone. Our stories are all so unique but there is the common ground of grief following the loss of a much wanted and loved child. If I can help even one person to begin to open up and feel less alone on their journey than I will feel happy. As I said yesterday, there are some incredible people out there sharing their experiences and giving parents the courage to do the same. If you don’t follow them Jess - @thelegacyofleo and Elle - @feathering_the_empty_nest are two of the most inspiring people I have been directed towards and now they are some of my life lines. Seeing how they conduct themselves following their losses gives me hope that one day I might just be ok. 💙🌙⭐️#babyloss #babylossmama #babylosssupport #babylossawareness #babylossmum #babylosssurvivor #babylosscommunity #babylossjourney https://www.instagram.com/merrymunky/p/BuzOCNnAB7E/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1x3si534p37fr

I’m solo walking today. Nature is good for the soul. As I’ve walked I have shared a rather long insta story about my experiences with BabyLoss. I don’t know what prompted it but I did. If you are interested in hearing some of my personal experiences of baby loss and grief please watch. I warn you that it is long and for some reason some slides repeat but I would be grateful for those that watch till the end and share their thoughts too. A big thank you to people like @thelegacyofleo and @feathering_the_empty_nest for sharing their stories and enabling me to feel like I can begin to share mine. #babyloss #babylossawareness #babylosssupport #babylossmama #babylosssurvivor #babylosscommunity #babylossmum #grief #thenewnormal (at Upton Country Park) https://www.instagram.com/merrymunky/p/BuwE2TDA885/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=knp8g53wszcc

Felt like I needed to light his candle tonight after talking about him at the open support meeting. I’m so grateful for these monthly meetings. I can talk openly without any judgement about everything I am thinking and feeling. I get to meet and connect with other bereaved parents and it doesn’t feel like such a lonely place to be for that couple of hours. #grateful #babyloss #babylosssupport #babylossmama #babylosssurvivor https://www.instagram.com/merrymunky/p/Burv_YRAqEw/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1fm0rlmt56m52

This little hand will never grasp mine. Yet it holds my whole heart. ~*~*~*~*~ I’ve spent the last two weeks trying to be normal, trying to deal with the house move and taking everything one step at a time. Tonight my heart decided otherwise. I feel like I have taken a huge leap backwards. Out of nowhere I had a huge, heaving, sobbing cry for two hours. In the middle of the night, on my own while the rest of the house is quiet. I’ve struggled with nighttime since Lumi passed in November. I can potter and try to keep my mind (somewhat) busy on other things but he is always just there, at the edge of my mind. However as soon as the lights go out my mind starts whirring. I liken it to those scenes in movies where all the scary, upsetting images and memories cycle round in a hazy thought cloud above your head. Every night I replay events of the last two months. It feels like it all happened yesterday when I am alone with my thoughts. It really is haunting. It keeps me awake longer than I would like and makes me feel so uneasy. Before tonight (other than a few tears here and there) I hadn’t REALLY cried over Lumi for two weeks...you know, the real heaving sobbing messy cry that cannot be controlled. The last time was at the support meeting where I was talking about him at length so emotions were obviously raw. Tonight caught me totally off guard though. For no reason other than overwhelming sadness. I’m sitting here trying to compose myself so I can attempt to go back to bed and actually sleep. I just miss my son. I miss everything that should have been in the future. I look at this perfectly formed hand and wish he were still growing, still flexing his little limbs in preparation for life outside the womb. I still hate the fact it is termed a miscarriage, as if he wasn’t a real little human. He was everything... #babyloss #babylossawareness #babylosssurvivor #babylossmamas #babylosswarrior #miscarriagesupport #miscarriageawareness #miscarriage https://www.instagram.com/p/BsrY386gCMc/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=c23c9ayxdfy0