me: well brain, how are we gonna deal with this

brain: come with me

me: wait

brain: and you'll be

me: no

I am finding - or re-finding for the millionth time - that I sometimes just need to be quiet and let other people do whatever they are going to do... like, even though I might see a solution, or a way to help their problem or challenge - when you just KNOW that someone doesn’t want your advice or input sometimes you just need to shut down and be like... okay [and just let it go]. I struggle with this ... especially with people that I care about, I don’t like seeing people that I love struggle unnecessarily. l want to be able to help them and help them brainstorm solutions to their challenges ... BUT - yes there is a but, sometimes people just want to do it THEIR OWN WAY - regardless if that causes them to struggle more, spend more money, more time, etc ... if its their way of getting around and solving their challenge, then you just need to let them be. You are fully entitled to set up boundaries or expectations for yourself around those things but you can’t force others to be down for doing it your way or even just trying it your way... YOU have to do YOU and you have to allow others the time and space to do them.

So here I am ... 27 ... wanting to explore new ‘holidays’ and I say that ... when I say that, it makes me feel like I am ... makes me feel like I am an OUTSIDER (all caps) trying to pull into someone elses culture ... a culture, community and holiday that DOES NOT BELONG TO ME. 

Maybe let me go back ... I am “mixed” my mother is a white woman raised by a white woman and my father was a black man and so therefore I am mixed and just speaking in very broad, vague and maybe not sensitive terms ... white people often celebrate Christmas - not many white American people (that I know of?) celebrate Kwanzaa, in my mind - I think that people that celebrate Kwanzaa are ... black - either African-American or African ... (maybe other African dashes celebrate it too) [you see this is SO WELL thought out as well as so PC]    BUT    with all that said I have recently (5+ years) been feeling like what if I was more connected to the African American side of myself - I have always heard teeny tiny bits and pieces about Kwanzaa and have always wondered ... could I be the Kwanzaa doing type? Am I “black enough” to do Kwanzaa? Is there a Kwanzaa-point that I am missing? Do I even REALLY do Christmas? Would I benefit from Kwanzaa? 

As an adult I have had many friends and people I am in contact with say(not rly in relation to Kwanzaa) “You’re half black, so you’re black enough” but I don’t feel like it is mine to partake in, I feel as though if I were to start doing Kwanzaa that it would somehow be ‘tainting the punch’ for everyone else... I don’t know, silly feelings.