Getting back on your feet. Resetting. Day 1
Technically itās day 15 of my 365 challenge/new year resolutions. However, like most of you, I ran out of steam and flopped my resolutions.
Today marks a reset to day 1. I donāt see flopping as an excuse to give up the challenge. Maybe I canāt do it for the full 365 days in a row. But maybe I can do it for two days in a row, or ten, or a month. In any case, I hope to have figured it out by December.
Projects
1) Edit or write 1000 words a day (currently: M39 Novel)
2) Go to gym every 2nd day (current: pass fitness test)
3) Do one course exercise a day (current: Artistās Way)
4) Progress 1 chore a day (current: renew passport)
Habits
5) write morning diary daily (emotions)
6) stretch daily (body)
7) Meditate daily (spirit)
Iām restarting this blog to share the journey with you. Why not restart your resolutions now? Or set some if you havenāt yet, for an exciting year of growth.
So, where Iām at right now, is Iāve just awoken from burnout.
I couldnāt string two words together, much less write heartfelt 1000 words of my novel. Yesterday, I had a trip to meet my boyfriendās parents. Sitting in front of two well-meaning strangers, being asked simple questions like "what do you do?ā had me in stumps.
The parents meant my profession but I was thinking about something much more mundane.
What was I doing day to day?
Burnout is a horrible thing. It robs you of inspiration, creativity, and creates an unfillable void in your chest. Nothing feels good enough, good enough to try. Nothing is exciting. Iāve been reading day after day, all day, trying to fill that emptiness in my soul.
That trip to see āthe parentsā made me look at myself as an outsider. I didnāt like what I saw.
What the hell was I doing with my life? Itās only been two weeks of the resolutions and I all but forgotten them! I have lost myself, letting entropy and the lack of energy dictate my life.
So today, the start of Day 1, I am restarting this blog and getting myself into gear. Gently.
I urge anyone starting out to treat yourself gently, like a new student. To get back on your feet you need encouragement, not harsh blows of criticism.
Todayās all about getting back to our feet. Gently.
Iām typing this blog as I go, because I need gentle encouragement. Baby steps.
First thing Iām gonna do is have breakfast. Luckily I have eggs in the fridge. I did say today marks the start of Day 1. Forget the resolutions for now. Even doing breakfast feels hard.
For breakfast, I made 2 eggs with leftover tofu and spinach from who knows how long ago, and packaged miso soup. I have miso soup every day, so itās a typical breakfast for me. You shouldnāt try to make anything fancy. A jam on toast is fine. the point is to eat something that gives you energy to start the day. Itās hard to function when youāre low AND have no physical energy either. So we start with breakfast. I also made a banana smoothie in a blender to snack on as I go.
Next, Iām gonna tidy up my room. I live in a share house and my bedroom doubles up as my study and entertainment and library. I have piles of washing on my bed, plates on my table, pillows on the floor, random plastic bags of stuff that I barely remember dumping by the bed to be dealt with later. I have so much stuff that I can barely breathe. I need orderliness to think, and right now, my surroundings make me feel anxious and suffocated.
Iām not gonna clean up the whole place, that is too much effort. But I took the dishes and cups to the kitchen. I have put scattered books into stacks so theyāre out of the way. I put all used tissues in the bin.The biggest eyesore are clothes. Seeing clothes on the floor makes me feel out of control. I have two baskets where I sort used clothes instead of just throwing them on the floor. I put exercise clothes in one basket under the bed, while lounge clothes went in the other. It didnāt take long. The one thing that did take time was folding the laundry. It took time but it was worth it for the sense of freedom of my room clothes-free. Just remember, we want to create a sense of peace and serenity, so that you can get on with your day. Maybe you donāt mind your clothes on the floor, maybe for you itās cleaning up that really ugly stain that bugs you. Or that shutter making an infernal rattling noise that you couldnāt been bothered to fix. Get your peace of mind. Fix it.
I put on some nice music while I tidied. When I was done, I lighted a scented candle to cheer up the place with a nice scent. Maybe play a victory tune to celebrate if thatās your thing.
The tidying took up more energy than I was prepared, and I feel wiped out. I havenāt even started on my daily seven yet. I just feel like collapsing with a book and not getting up again.
Luckily for me, there is one item on my daily seven that invigorates me when I remember to do it. Itās number five, the diary.
Now my diary isnāt like a normal record of the day diary that most people use. My diary are the morning pages from Julia Cameronās The Artistās Way. All I do is write out my worries. Thatās when it works best. Sometimes I donāt know whatās bugging me and writing it long hand helps me figure it out. Sometimes I canāt think of a worry, then I write whatever is on my mind, stream-of-consciousness style. The point isnāt to list all your worries, but to let out of your chest whatever is gripping you. Sometimes itās the excitement of a new idea, and I have written little scene sketches in the diary too. Dreams. To-dos. Battle plans before meeting The Parents. There is no wrong way to do the diary as long as you write whatever comes to mind, not stopping. āI donāt know what to write now...ā is something I see too.
I did this diary for 2 pages of my large notebook, which is roughly 22 minutes. And that takes of item number five on my daily seven.
5) write morning diary daily (emotions)
I give myself a sticker for each of the seven that I complete. It cheers me up and brings a little bit of joy into my day.
In my morning pages diary, I realised that each of the items isnāt hard. The illusion of it is. It seems hard, but once you start doing, itās actually not that hard to do the task in the moment. Stretching isnāt hard. Thinking about doing stretching, about how much time and energy it takes and that Iād have to get up and start moving and that Iāll never be flexible so whatās the use, is what keeps me stuck dead. The key is not succumbing to the illusion of difficulty, and just starting. Once I start, the task will take care of itself. 10 minutes meditation is nothing. But thinking about sitting there trying not to think and how my back always aches, is the enemy.
My advice is, start the thing. Donāt think about starting the thing. Start doing the thing. If itās gym, get dressed and out the door. Start doing it. No debating allowed!
Iāll meditate next. Another thing that often remains undone, because itās boring.
I find meditating boring.
Sitting without thoughts, experiencing time without beginning or end is very hard for me. Iām very good at imagining stuff, such as cleansing the chakras or directing energy in my mind. Sitting quietly with a silent mind, 10 minutes seem to go on on FOREVER.
All right, fine. Start. Not deliberate. Iām going.
I sat on a cushion and set alarm for ten minutes.
Ohh, it started off well enough. Then I got really restless. I started counting my breaths to 10, which really helped. Then after some time, my thoughts went wild. I was deciding which movie to watch tonight as my reward for doing so well, Dr Strange or Iron Man. Those are my favourite movies. Also I was thinking that I was gonna finish early today, and how early was early? At which point I realised Iāve had a pop song playing in my mindās background for some time. Ugh.
Ten minutes felt long, but I lasted the whole time and now I feel so happy and proud of myself! I have done the meditation for today, item seven. Another sticker. Yay!
The benefits of meditation are numerous, but the benefits donāt kick in until several months in, same as gym. It took my brother 3 months of gym before he began to look great. Iāve just started gym and meditation myself on New Years Day, so itāll take some time for my mind to center and my body to look great. Todayās a great day to start!
7) Meditate daily (spirit)
Well, I feel like Iām on a roll with my daily habits, so Iām feeling inspired to do the 10 min stretching. Iāve already done morning diary and meditation, stretching feels like a piece of cake! (See how small steps inspire more small steps? Iām all fired up!)
I put up some music, set the timer, and bam! Done. Three stickers today. The amount of bones I cracked was embarrassing.
Why do I resist stretching so much? Again, it takes time, even if itās just 10 minutes. Itās boring, even if I put on music. Plus it hurts when Iām sore or I try the splits. Then why do it? Because doing something like a ten minute stretch helps keep flexibility and freedom of movement for life. Like all good things, the tangible benefits donāt kick in until later in life. (Iām beginning to see a pattern here).
6) stretch daily (body) Done!
Thatās the Habits triad done. Yay for emotions/body/spirit!
Whereās the mind, you may ask? Well, the rest of the daily tasks are mind-heavy. Writing, gym, course exercise and chores tend to draw heavily on intellect. They make my brain flex.
Writing draws heavily on all areas.
Going to gym is as much a mental battle as physical exertion is.
By now, Iāve done the easy items on the list, the ones that take 10 minutes max. Doing it this way was semi-deliberate. I need easy wins right now to feel empowered. Attempting something like number one: writing, would be too overwhelming for me. Thanks to starting with the small items, I feel accomplished, I feel confident about getting more items done, I feel cheerful and I have what I feel like lots of energy (stretching could be at play for the energy boost).
Next, I feel like tackling the easiest item on the Projects list. Which is number four, the chore of passport renewal.
All I have to do for passport renewal is to load the official form onto USB and print it, get two passport photos, and go to post office to pay a fee and lodge the form and the photos.
The due date is tomorrow. Iāve been putting it off for a month.
The reason is, I am hesitant about taking that photo. I currently have long-ish hair at my boyfriendās request, but I normally keep it short. I donāt want long hair in my passport photo. I have been procrastinating getting a haircut (and hurting my boyfriendās feelings), yet I wasnāt comfortable taking a long-haired photo. That would be ten years staring at a photo that screams ānot meā.
Some of you might be thinking āGal, itās your hair, you donāt have to do what your boyfriend says!ā. I agree. This time, however, itās not a bother to keep my hair long. I donāt care that itās long right now (and I like that my boyfriend appreciates it), I just donāt want my hair long in my passport photo.
Alas, Iāve decided as Iām typing this this that Iāve left the decision for too long, and Iām worried about the paperwork expiring tomorrow if I donāt do something now. So, Iām gonna find that passport form and put it on USB, then fix myself for going out (long hair and all), and see if I can take the photo at the post office directly rather than getting someone to do it for me and then rushing to a printing shop last minute (for all of you who can print at home, I am jealous and I salute you!).
Finding an empty USB and loading the doc there took less than thirty seconds.
The getting ready didnāt take too long because I had met The Parents yesterday and so I was all clean. I wore the same clothes cuz I just needed to do the photo, not please people.
At the post office, the lady told me they donāt do printing. While they could do the photo, they canāt print my form to finalise the process.
I envy you, printer-owners.
I contacted a relative to see if I can use their printer, and also if they can do my photo. It would same me money if my relative could print the photo for free. They said okay.
Turns out the passport photo couldnāt be printed via inkjet printer. I only printed the form at the relativeās.
Then I drove back to post office, did the photo, and submitted the whole thing.
Iām so tired now. This recovery thing is hard.
Or maybe thatās cuz itās early dinnertime and I havenāt had lunch yet.
4) Progress 1 chore a day (current: renew passport)
Iām gonna make some food next. Itās not dinner, not lunch, but something in-between.
I made a sandwich for that meal. Again, I wasnāt going for fancy, since Iām so low on energy.
While having lunch and talking to my brother, I have randomly uncovered an answer for a touch writing problem Iāve been having about some critique Iāve gotten. I was so inspired by this insight that I worked on the solution for about two hours, which resulted in about 2,500 words. That covers number one on the resolutions list, quite by accident.
I love when success begets more success.
1) Edit or write 1000 words a day (currently: M39 Novel)
Now it is late, and Iāve been sitting down for most of the day. Plus the gym rush has ended. A great time to head out to gym.
I didnāt stay long in the gym, only 40 minutes, 20 of which was walking on treadmill. Baby steps, remember?
2) Go to gym every 2nd day (current: pass fitness test)
By the time I got back and took a shower, it was 10pm. I still have one item not done.
This leaves only one item not yet attempted, and that is item two, the course exercise (for the Artistās way). It takes only 5 min. I remember that all exercises for week 11 in the book are lengthy. I donāt think I can easily do any of them. So, Iām gonna do the trick I do for really difficult tasks, or tasks Iām really scared of.
I set a timer for 10 minutes.
In that time, Iām gonna read the exercises and see if I can do any today. If not, Iām going to pick one and write up a list of materials Iāll need, or do a search if the exercise asks me to contact people etc. Basically, Iām gonna spend the 10 minutes trying to progress something somewhere.
I could do one exercise. It was massive. I had to list 10 wishes in 7 areas of health, possessions, relationships etc... I only got through the heath, possessions and leisure in 10 minutes, and I thought I was coming up with wishes pretty fast. Those course exercises arenāt quick!
However it does accomplish my daily resolution of progressing a course exercise by a minimum of 10 minutes. Yay!
3) Do one course exercise a day (current: Artistās Way)
This means I did all 7 resolutions! Hooray!
I gave myself a special sticker to celebrate!
But it did take me a full day, from breakfast to 10:30pm to do all seven, and I didnāt have any obligations today. If you have work or are looking after kids, then maybe try for one resolution a day. I definitely donāt want to be spending an entire day tomorrow doing just the resolutions. Iād like to do other things too. But today I wanted to start it easy and so I didnāt plan any other things so that I had plenty of time to do the resolutions.
I hope that once Iām more at the rolling stage, I can achieve all the resolutions in a single 3-4h evening. If you have a lot of resolutions and youāre struggling, do the math to figure out what is realistic. My resolutions take a total of 3 hours 20 minutes as a minimum (items 3 to 7 are ten 10minutes each, to a total of 50 min. Gym takes about an hour. Writing is variable, but 1 hour for 1,000 words sounds reasonable. Plus add a minimum of 5 minutes between each activity. Seven activities require six breaks, a total of 30 min). So, a theoretical 3 hour 20 minutes worth of tasks took me 12+ hours to do today. Again, be gentle with yourself.
What are your resolutions for today? I wish you success, good luck and good cheer!