I Miss My Cats

i love writing out numbers and then putting them in parentheses like "one (1)" even when i dont need to i think its funny

Yes, your dentist can absolutely tell if you masturbated at home before your appointment. And in fact, a shower and change of clothes does little to hide this. The best step forward is to apologize to your dentist for masturbating.

- mockup of results from my new search engine called "Google OCD"

abused kids reaching late teenage years: it seems I have trauma symptoms, which is odd because nothing traumatic had ever happened to me... sure I don't have many memories of my childhood but I am sure that everything that happened was 100% my fault and also normal and I am supposed to be strong enough to be over that and it was a long time ago so. That's all good. Now. I need to hide these trauma symptoms or my parents will kill me.

last week I was deep in the trenches ploughing through work and mid-afternoon realised I'd neglected to open the blinds and the room was a little dim, so I got up to do that and discovered that a car had flipped onto its roof directly outside my flat and the entire street was closed and flooded with emergency service while they dragged someone out of the vehicle and packed them into an ambulance. so now every time I open the blinds I'm a little like the dog with the ham sandwich bush. what the fuck could it be today.

playing stupid games but im really bad at them so im not even winning the stupid prizes

weighted blanket's not enough i need to be compressed by a hydraulic press

the real moral lesson in chess is that you can only move forwards 5-6 times in your life before you're turned into a beautiful queen but also rarely you might be turned into a horse

SHUT

after my last concussion I had this weird thing for a few weeks where I like, didn't want to get hurt? like if I thought I might get hurt doing something that made me not want to do it. has anyone else ever experienced this?

pocket pussy made of antimatter call that free bottom surgery

who up annihilating they shit

awesome

That's not a small bomb. 6 megatons would put that at around the 19th most powerful nuclear explosion, right after the Castle Union test.

[getting defensive] n-no it's a really small bomb actually...

hmmmmm.... this shitpost from a user i dont know seems like a warm, safe place to lay an overshare egg 🥚

[PT: hmmmmm.... this shitpost from a user i dont know seems like a warm, safe place to lay an overshare egg (egg emoji) /End PT]

it's really such an experience to go from "oh this is really cool wow" to "aw man i like this so much i need to eat glass about it" i cant even pinpoint when it happened