Stardust

It's amazing how you don't realise just how many joints you have until they all start hurting simultaneously.

Angry baking cuz everything about this world we live in is pissing me off. Everything we were taught as children about it was a lie. The world is topsy-turvy. Evil is rewarded, good is punished. Criminals walk free while victims remain in a cage. Democracy is dead, fascism is on the rise. Data centres are more important than the environment, the rich get richer and the rest of the world is fucked. Every day I see a dozen news articles on rape. Every day I see it's glorification and romanticised in media. Is it any wonder, given how grossly underpunished the crime is? Minorities are under attack, LGBTQ people, people of colour, immigrants, under fire for simply existing. So much more I don't even have the capacity to process on any level. I'm angry in a numb way, I'm exhausted emotionally, psychologi overwhelmed to the point of shutting down, physically my body is flaring violently in response to everything. I'm constantly in bouts of pain that my painkillers don't touch, repeated infections soon after another. When does it cease? When do we find peace. I'm almost 27 years old and I've lived through so much horror, I wonder if it is worth fighting for... And then I think, if we stop fighting what becomes of us? Must I sacrifice my humanity, my empathy, my kindness on this blasphemous altar of callous entities just because they have the power to run the world? Why does their power give them a free pass to abuse everything they touch? How does one fight, on every front? How do you find strength to keep going when you look up at the night sky, night after night, followed by day after day of horrible fucking reality, and wonder when the asteroid is going to hit us? When will the universe decide humans have gone too far? When will we be put out of this misery that never ceases, that follows relentlessly one after another, with hardly a break to breathe in the toxic air we're left with? I do not know what to do, nothing brings me peace, but sometimes, for one fleeting moment.... when I whisk the eggs and cream sugar and butter and pour more vanilla than recommended, when the bowl is scraped clean and the pan sits in the oven.... I find peace. Just a little calm. One thing in the world that isn't wrong. One thing that for just a few hours... makes me forget.

Summer has passed, as has my annual near death experience. Recovery is slow but steady. Did some baking. It's been an eventful few months.

I've slept maybe 2 hours since yesterday. Fitfully. The pain is bad when I move but otherwise manageable with paracetamol 500. My family is scared now. I hate it. Second report came in today. Idk when she'll go to meet the doctor. Fingers crossed.

Just told my mom that if I don't get better this time, don't bring me back from the hospital and I mean it but I hate myself for putting that on her

It's mid April and I'm miserable. I have another infection, my pain is high, I'm having random temperature fluctuations, I'm exhausted. I feel wrung out and I don't have the energy to do anything, and then there's the state of the world. The news depresses me, infuriates me, I'm livid.

I helped and watched my family pack 250 wedding favours and I couldn't help thinking that my parents are doing this for strangers and that they'll never do it for their own kids. I will never pack wedding favours for my siblings, nor myself. And it's bittersweet, because one day, we'll all be gone as a family, dead, never a wedding in sight, and yet, we've packed favours for a celebration we are not actively a part of, a celebration that isn't our own and never will be.