oh my heart

teamwork makes the dream work. and dreamwork. makes shrek

a severe thunderstorm warning that doesnt follow through is worse than orgasm denial

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i bet the pain will end if i arrange a perfect enough sentence about it

babe wake up...i need to tell you multiple thoughts that don't corelate at all that i had in the span of five minutes..

they should invent putting on sunscreen that doesn't feel like putting on sunscreen

Being an adult will have you unironically craving a vegetable

Being an adult will have you unironically sad about a parasite outbreak in fresh vegetables.

Verified ✔️

I got a job at a gas station across from a casino and a guy keeps coming in to buy whole cartons of cigarettes and talks in the third person calling himself "snake eyes pete" and every time I tell him his total hes like "tell ya what if old Pete rolls a snake eyes why dont you give it to him for free?" and he rolls the same set of loaded dice on the counter and it does not matter how many times he rolls snake eyes I will not give him the cartons for free he gets so mad

my favorite thing about the "guy fieari doesn't swallow" controversy is that in every video i've seen on it there's someone in the comments going "actualy we were featured in diners drive in and dive episode 342 and he came to our restaurant and he definitely ate our food on and off camera like he cleared the plate and he's a really chill dude actualy" and it's like. does guy fieari know that he has a loyal army across America defending him AS WE SPEAK against the stupidest conspiracy theory i've ever heard of

I got an alert for an abducted baby this morning, which is obviously terrible and I hope they find it safe and sound, but they described the baby as having "blue eyes and Bald hair" and i can't stop thinking about it