What Is Love, Anyway?

Headless Series episode 4 sketches 🎃

Went to the trouble

To fetch us a view of a star.

Though it might’ve been blurred

If she hadn't sent word

Boromir is the Gifted Child™, the favorite son, the perfect soldier of Gondor. Denethor refers to him as “the one who will not fail me.” 

But at the same time, all of that love and respect is conditional. Boromir can only be loved as long as he never fails.

Many characters (especially Denethor) believe that Boromir is “stronger” than other men….which means they have no sympathy for him when he fails. Because they assume that Boromir is so strong that he can’t fail, unless he’s failing on purpose. It doesn’t matter if the things Boromir is failing to do are difficult or even impossible– he so “strong” that he must be choosing to fail at them, out of selfishness or arrogance.  

Denethor tells Boromir that even if every other man falls to the power of the Ring, Boromir would be able to resist it. Because Boromir is just too Good to fail. “Ever the Ring will seek to corrupt the hearts of lesser men, but you– you are strong!”  And when Boromir refuses to go to Rivendell, knowing he’s not capable of doing what’s he’s been ordered, Denethor turns on him: “would you deny your own father?” 

And when Boromir starts to fall to the power of the Ring…… the other characters don’t treat Boromir as a flawed person struggling with a difficult task. They don’t empathize with him or try to help him.  From the first moment when Gandalf  berates Boromir at the council of Elrond, they’re all just angry at him, as if they believe he’s deliberately choosing to fail.

And Boromir has clearly internalized that idea? He believes that he nEEDS to be invincible, and if he makes any mistakes it means he’s not a good person anymore. 

When he opens up to Aragorn in Lothlorien, he admits that his kingdom is falling apart he’s supposed to be the one who somehow single-handedly makes everything better. “And I– I would do it. I would see the glory of Gondor restored.” He feels like he needs to succeed in carrying the entire weight of his kingdom, even though it’s impossible.

After Aragorn refuses to go to Minas Tirith, Boromir loses his last hope. He knows he can’t save his city alone, but he believes he is alone, and he’s desperate not to fail at whatever cost. He tries to take the Ring from Frodo. 

He’s just….only human…..and thinks that he can’t be a good person if he fails at anything, even things that are utterly and completely beyond his power. 

As Boromir is dying there’s a moment where, after falling to his knees, he looks up at Merry and Pippin.  

In the cast commentaries Sean Bean said about this moment: “he feels as though he’s let them down.”

That’s Boromir’s character– he’s one man fighting an army, with three arrows in his chest, sacrificing his life, but all that matters to him is that he’s failed.

And this is why Boromir’s death scene is such a major turning point.

When Aragorn goes over to him, Boromir doesn’t even care that he’s dying, he just frantically apologizes for failing: “Forgive me, I did not see. I have failed you all…”

But– Aragorn doesn’t want him to apologize. He’s the first person who tries to reassure Boromir that……that it’s okay if he isn’t invincible, it’s okay if things were too much for him, it’s okay to “fail,” and being flawed doesn’t mean he isn’t a good person. 

To reassure him that breaking under a burden you couldn’t carry doesn’t make you worthless.

Boromir tries to apologize for failing to resist the Ring, and Aragorn replies: “the ring is beyond our reach now–” not allowing Boromir to blame himself, emphasizing that they’re both only human, and that he could’ve easily been the one to take the Ring as well. 

Boromir tries to apologize for failing to save the hobbits and Aragorn responds: “No, Boromir. You fought bravely. You have kept your honor.”

Aragorn reaches for Boromir’s wound, as if trying to see if he can still be healed….and Boromir tells him that it doesn’t matter, all that matters is that he failed and Gondor will fall.

But Aragorn responds that it’s okay if Boromir couldn’t save Gondor on his own, because ”I’m here now, and I can do it for you.”  “I do not know what strength is in my blood, but I swear to you that I will not let the White City fall, nor our people fail.”

And there’s so much relief in Boromir’s voice when he repeats “our people,” because he’s realizing that….. he’s realizing that not only has Aragorn finally accepted his responsibility to Gondor, Aragorn has accepted that responsibility out of love for him.  That he didn’t have to succeed to be respected, and he didn’t have to be perfect to be loved.

1. Have proof they're a teenager first. More than just a picture, have a video call with them.

2. If you want to meet up with them, have your parents or a trusted adult come with you. Even if they are a proven teenager, its still good to have supervision in case any issues happen.

3. If you are talking to an adult, and they start being sexual in any way, you run the fuck away. It doesn't matter if they're 40 or 20. An adult inherently has a power dynamic that teenagers do not. And its up to the adult to act responsible about it. There's exceptions of course, if you're 16 and dating an 18 year old, that's not a problem, we're not talking about that.

4. Being in a server with adults or ran by adults is not inherently bad. Talking to adults is not inherently a problem, and will likely happen in any number of Discord servers. It is only an issue when they are acting sexual and show predatory behavior.

5. Look out for grooming behavior. It can be difficult, because at first it seems like innocuous behavior, like complimenting or giving gifts. Especially if you feel lonely and have low self esteem. And groomers actively target people like that.

If they start trying to isolate you, talk sexual with you, state they depend on you for emotional needs, blame you for their own actions, try to be secretive about the relationship- Then you need to talk to people you trust, block the perpetrator, and call the police on them.

One of the ways to protect yourself from groomers, is to find adult communities and hang out there. Not "sexytiemz" communities, just places that are overwhelmingly full of adults. (Ravelry, if you have an interest in knitting or crocheting. Mobileread, if you care about ebooks. And so on. Somewhere large and active and not focused on a fandom that goes through bizarre drama every three monts.)

Notice how adults talk to each other. How they talk to friends; how they talk to new strangers who have an interest in their fandoms or hobbies or whatever. How they talk to kids in all-ages spaces. How they joke with each other and with teens. How they compliment each other and are supportive; how they offer criticism intended to be taken in good faith. And how they troll and attack each other, sometimes.

Knowing what normal adult behavior looks like will go a long way toward being able to identify predatory behavior.

Teens need to learn the difference between supportive friendship and grooming, and between someone who's angry (or even a jerk) and someone who's actively abusive.

And remember: The dangerous adults are not the ones saying "I am 45 and still interested in teen superhero fandoms." They're the ones saying "I'm 16 and I have a no-adults-allowed Discord; please join me and we can be friends!"