Wizard spell battle

I like that none of the cars slow down

“Read the fucking sign.” - Gorilla

Sensible gorilla knows he can’t trust whatever food some stranger throws at him to be safe and healthy for him. He’s absolutely beautiful as well as smart. 🥰

“this human is an idiot. I’m a gorilla, buddy!” 

Cause we can hear all of your internal monologues that even you don’t listen to, and we chatter hysterically to drown out the noise of your hatred for us (plus feeling everybody else’s feelings for them all the time is like doing emotional speedballs). We can’t help it, so just shut up and hate us like you always do since we can hear your thoughts anyway (you have that nose ring ‘cause your mother didn’t love you, but we love you, we have to)

All you fools are gonna look super dumb when the Queen hobbles out on her walking stick in February, stops in a daze, topples forward and almost falls flat on her face, but at the last second does a forward somersault, jumps back up, and then cheerfully gives a bunch of children a tour of Buckingham Palace, during which she kills them off one by one, in order to choose which one will be the next queen.

well good morning it’s time to get up and find out why my roommates (neither of whom, to my knowledge, celebrate Christmas) are blasting Christmas music at 8:30 AM on November 14th

crab crab crab hand hand hand frighten

the trans male experience is being afraid that if you wash your hands in a public men's restroom you will be clocked

one time I went in the men's room at a bar, got clocked and told I needed to leave so later I walked up to that dude at a table with some chick and announced to her that He Doesn't Wash His Hands After Handling His Dick and walked away

you are quite literally braver than any U.S. marine

One time my grandma, who has absolutely no filter, told my cousin he had a face only a mother could love. And he said “Well you’re a mother” and she said “Your own mother” 

Another time my grandma gave me cookies and my mom said “Aw grandma gave you cookies because she loves you!” and my grandma said “It’s not because I love her it’s because I didn’t like the cookies”

i haven’t heard from her much since she died

Have you tried calling her

hold on im using my luigi board

Psst. Hey. Fucker. *Kisses you* idiot.

hey sweetheart!! hey dear!! *fucking decks you in the face* angel :)

breeding is the most boring kink imaginable its literally just catholicism

oh ur having sex for procreation ?? u wanna make a kid ?? ok pope john paul ii

pope john paul ii, infamous for breeding,