I'm not dead yet, so I guess I'll be alright

A question for the ages.

The earlier on Tuesday you reblog this the funnier it is. (5:28am)

Hi honey how was your day at the gaslighting factory?

ive never worked there. stop saying i work there

Honey, remember what your union rep said about working off the clock

This post is ancient and stupid but I still laugh whenever I see it

going over to my minimalist girlfriend’s house and she apologizes profusely for the mess and there’s just a single perfect, fresh pea on the floor of her living room

Blue Lois

can i help you

Red Marge

jesus christ. I Am Under Fucking Attack

World Heritage Post

i deserve a medal for this post. not because i was particularly funny but because i survived an onslaught of nearly one hundred gimmick blogs in the wake of this post popping off, and the fact that i didn’t try to track any of them down and snuff them out with my bare hands is a testament to my immeasurable strength and should be rewarded. at one point i had “the official letter h” add on to this post. you wanna know that blog’s gimmick? the really funny and original and worthwhile gimmick the official letter h blog had? yep you guessed it they just gave me the god damned letter H and then fucked off. only jesus knows the suffering i endured over that harsh winter, and he wept for me

the will is weak the flesh also is weak and me i am not doing too good either

Why is pet play always dogs anyway

Youre a dirty little goldfish arent you. daddys gonna clean your tank out so good so you have to wait in the sink until im done.

you’re not hopeless you’re just really really tired and in desperate need of a break and im shaking you by the shoulders and telling you that all is not hopeless but you do need to rest

you’re not an inherently bad person you’re just exhausted and you’re thinking about all of your mistakes but forgetting the good you do. fatigue is lying to you, just take a nap if you can for the love of god before you start apologizing just for existing

I met Alex Hirsch today and he drew a little picture in my sketchbook

please please please be aware that if you and your friends get addicted to saying YIPPEEE like fortnite und cola yippee it will have an intoxicating effect and you might accidentally say it in a really important business meeting to a bunch of men you don't know