mavbear

i hate being the youngest.

the oldest is away in her apartment doing who knows what. the other is at her own house with her boyfriend, soon to be husband. and they’re both about 10 years older than me and we don’t talk too much.

my brothers, 18, only 2 yrs older than me. however, tonight he’s in another state with people i’ve meet only a few times. in less than a few months, he’ll still be in another state but for college.

my mom and dad are arguing. so only one of them go to see fireworks with me.

and as i sit, curled up in the front seat, i want to cry. i don’t want to continue spending the holidays like this. i don’t want them to feel so lonely and unreal. i want this to be a family thing. they all had those experiences of being together and yea i might have been there too but i was too young to remember. too young to bask in the feeling.

it’s only going to continue, christmas will become quiet, easter will be quick n over, and the 4th will just be another day off.

i want to sit on top of our car with both my sisters and my brother on our old blankets, shoe untied. i want mom and dad to be there n in charge of the music. i want to feel a little too warm while swatting away bugs but still laughing with everyone. i want to watch the fireworks.

i loved the sims 3, especially in 5th grade. i would play every night the second i finished my work. the couch was my home. and my mom would sit in the room with me and watch tv. around 5 she’d start to make dinner.

i was still playing.

she’d ask what i want, mostly salads at the time. with dinner soon ready i’d still be playing, not wanting to move. my siblings would give me shit for this. i deserved some of it. but i’d tell my mom that i don’t care.

my builds weren’t great, they were too big with not enough in them. lacking character and rather boxy.

And that’s where it happened. i was trapped in a giant house with all my family members either ignoring me or condemning me. i felt like i was burning, that the room was burning, i watched as my own mother walked away. i felt tears run down my face. panicking.

i woke up panicked, tears already down my cheeks. i had cried in my sleep. looking back this might have been my first attack.

any moment everything can be taken away.

what was once beautiful will die.

they who brought you joy leave forever.

the feeling of happiness no longer feeling the same.

why would the gods envy us?

However, they sit without playing, collecting dust like you would pennys. Just like the player itself, who would want to befriend such measly things?

The record player pouts as if she is in protest of not being used.

sometimes targeted at the car next to us

or the bad play on tv

but mostly towards my mother

but don’t they need water

and my god do i think so many of these guys our cute, the list is fairly long

but because of that i don’t want to talk to people about it and it seems like the only thing i want to talk about

refusing to reach the bottom, the breathes are shallow, similar to the tide.

it’s becoming harder to take in and no longer satisfying.

even after an enduring run

just one breathe, please, just please meet my lungs and fill them completely.