I’m here to tell you that I am deleting this blog.
Typing that feels strange, even unreal, but it also feels somewhat freeing.
Nothing bad is happening. I’m not in trouble, in danger, hurt, upset, or feeling otherwise forced to make this decision.
The simple fact is that it’s been 12 years. Typing THAT feels unreal–staggering!
I made this blog when I was 16 years old, at the end of a long summer in 2010. Back then, I called it “Patchwork Happiness,” and believe it or not, it was a creative writing and poetry blog.
I didn’t even know about reblogging (amazing), so I saved and reposted things from other people’s blogs for a few weeks until someone explained how the site works.
Only a month later, my dad died terribly and suddenly in a house fire, and I threw myself into this online community as a means to make new friends, distract myself, and cope.
I found friendship in the My Chemical Romance fandom and spent a long time as more or less a devoted MCR bandom blog, but all along I shared stories about my life–sometimes funny and sometimes grief-stricken.
People loved to read what I wrote, and I loved to hear what they thought. I started telling more stories, sharing more of myself.
I started from nothing. No internet pretense save for my storied history on Neopets.com as an avid middle school Vampire roleplayer. I vividly remember making a celebratory post for gaining my 11th follower!
Over time, that changed dramatically. I’ll never forget the first time someone recognized me in public. It was humbling and hilarious. I had no idea how to act, I was so embarrassed. But they were so kind, and from then on every interaction I’ve had with someone from this site on the street has been positive and left me smiling.
In 2017 at Colossolcon, a teenager attending the convention with their parents approached and said they’d decided to pursue ecological sciences in college because of my blog. What could I even say to that? I’ll never forget it.
It’s one thing to see the notes, the replies, the reblog, and understand on some level that real people are interacting with and relating to my thoughts, my experiences, my life. It’s another thing entirely to comprehend and accept that.
Forget the impact I’ve had on others, the impact you’ll have had on me is astounding, mind-boggling, humbling! You put me through my final year of college when the situation was desperate. You got me my top surgery after my first surgeon left me hopeless.
Do you know that I made more than one of my current best friends on this site?
In 2012, I graduated high school and moved in with my Grandpa. I went to an Ohio Homestuck blog and submitted a post asking if there were any Homestuck fans in Dayton, hahahaha. Somehow, that went well, and the person I met at the Panera bread in the mall is like family today.
I have more than a few stories like that.
I was a pretty hopeless teenager when this all began. Bullied relentlessly, grieving my dad, undiagnosed Autism and Depression, failing almost all of my high school classes–I had a lot of battles to fight.
Coming here every day made me believe I could fight, period. And the people I’ve met here made it true.
I know I only intended to go on a hiatus, but I’ve had a lot of time to think in doing so.
12 years feels both like nothing and like a lifetime to me. From a terrified teenager with no idea where I belonged in the world to an adult pursuing my dreams surrounded by support and love, it’s been a journey in the purest sense of the word.
When I was 14 years old and first began suffering with symptoms of OCD, I didn’t think I’d live to be 18. I knew I wouldn’t. I was sure of it. But once I hit 18, still miserable, still so scared, I decided that 20 would be better. It went on like this. There were good times and bad times. Now, at 27, I’m finally in treatment for my OCD, something that was once again only possible because of all of you.
I graduated college. Once again, thanks to you.
I’m working in my dream field. I’m living a life I’m proud of. I’m surrounded by people I love.
I turned 18 nearly ten years ago. I’m so happy I’m alive. I’m so happy I made it.
And it’s because of all of that I’m able to let go of this space now, of this piece of me, this blog. It’s supported me through so much, but now it’s time for me to shift focus to the next parts of my life. To my instruments, to my poetry, to my career, to my pets, my family, and all of the wonderful things I can see on the horizon.
I can’t even begin to recall and dwell on every single memory from this blog I wish I could. There have been too many good things, too much happiness, too much surprise and too many beautiful memories to give it all the attention it deserves.
So much has happened. Hell, when I started this blog, I thought I was straight! Wild.
There’s no clean, perfect way to say goodbye to something that’s been a part of my life for so long. I considered making a video. I considered doing a livestream. Nothing felt good enough. This doesn’t feel good enough.
All I can say is thank you. Thank you so much for every single thing. Every laugh, every encouraging word, every bit of yourself that you shared with me.
And thank you for letting me share myself with you and above all for accepting me.
I was so young, I was so scared, and I didn’t know what the world had in store for me. If I could go back now and tell my younger self how amazing it would all be, how well things would turn out, she might not have felt that fear.
But I don’t need to. She’s with me now, inside of me. We’re the same person all in one, and all of this love, all of this happiness, and all of this hope and excitement for the future is as much her’s as it is mine.
So thank you, for every single part of it.
All of my love, utterly and truly forever,
Let’s all go do something amazing. The world is waiting for us!
