Time

Time is what it is. It comes and goes. You can’t stop it.

9 years has passed now. Time passes for me different. My little sis (My wife’s little sis) reminded me of the time and it is meaning less to me. It’s important for her to acknowledge the passing of time.

For myself - I dunno. I don’t count the days anymore. Days just pass and it feels empty even when I do “things”.

I still miss her everyday and sometimes think of what could have been. I try not to dwell - think and let go is the key I think. 

II keep looking trying to to take it step by step - I still feel confused as to what to do. Nothing makes sense and I’m trying to think less of making sense of things.

Yup, I’m a champion in my race class. 

It doesn’t feel like a win - It just feels hollow. My mind said to throw it away. It’s not that I didn’t deserve the win. I just couldn’t smile.

Months before my wife past away I told her - I’ll beat them without cheating. So, I’ve done it. Now what? Who do I tell? Who really cares? 

I did horrible and I did great. I’ve been hard on myself for a lot of reasons. I miss talking with my wife. I think that has been the sore point of it all. I turn for advice and it’s just me talking to myself.

I went out wit the team and I raced. I drove terrible as expected and my team mates just cheer me on as expected. “Hey, you’re just rusty - you will do fine ...”

I wasn’t able to truly calm the clutter that was in my mind. Some of it was remembering how much I loved it when she was able to come to the track with me as she was teaching on Saturdays to students. The other parts was wanting to tell her how scared I was with racing again and how I will be letting the team down.

I finally picked it up at the last race sessions and it started to click in. It really clicked in. braking points started to make sense, apex markers, gear changes ... I wasn’t in the zone yet, but I could feel it.

The past month I’ve been feeling out of control.  I think I’ve been sheltering myself from life and being passive to everything. I am being destructive.

I started to force myself to do things and apply myself. I came to the conclusion  that I must be sabotaging myself. I didn’t get a  choice on my wife’s death and so I choose to not deal with life. I know I am in control and yet it doesn’t feel like it.

At the end of the day it’s hard to accept the lesson that we all know. We are not in control and it is ok. Once I opened that rabbit hole of sadness I didn’t want to go back to life. I felt more control being sad.

I’d like to say being young is an excuse. The reality is no one knows what to do at any age. There is no advice you can give other than to continue on.The pressures that we put on ourselves are the ones we have to fight through.

I’m starting to understand a glimpse of what depression is’ish- maybe. The question is how do I find my way out. I use to be good at being able to turn things around. 

I use to go because it was a way to pay respect and to take some time that I would not otherwise spend or think about.

Since my wife passed away. I could care less about going. Friends would ask and I would go along to accompany them and I go, but I don’t care. I go along and sometimes in my head; “What a waste love, look at the sadness it brings”. 

Anyway, as time has passed I think it’s just family that visits. I haven’t visited until a couple of days ago.

I landed 2 job interviews. Both right after the other and I didn’t do well.  I have the skills - I just wasn’t able to convey it in words. The interviewer in both cases I think I might be in the good pile - but not strong. Both interviews over an hour so at least I know there is interest. When I was the interviewer - anything past 15 - 30 min mark means I think there is potential. 

I am out of practice. Kinda funny. I’ve been pretty upset at myself at not being able to talk well - talk the way I use to when it came to work. It is my fault. I’ve pulled back from life and well, now it kicks me in the ass. I have to do better. I know. The problem is that confidence is rocked away. Yes, I can do better - but what for? So negative, right? I seem to question everything in life.

So, the visit didn’t go well - I cried. Her death really has made me stand back.I cleaned her stone and threw away dead flowers. I rambled at how life sucks. I couldn’t use my voice and it was all in my head. 

Some days you hear something or see somethings and it just gives you the sads. I just don’t recognize myself. I still feel hollow without my love. I know to be better, but I feel missing - not in the moment. Funny how things change in a blink of an eye.

The feeling of being lost is the new me and I’m starting to believe that is how it will be. Everyday I try and fake it - as if life is normal. 

It didn’t work out tonight. I watched deadpool2 with my cousin and the scene of dreaming and trying to find his dead wife... I wanted to shout out loud, “that does happen for real”. I faked laugh for the rest of the movie while holding back tears. I didn’t want to alarm my cousin.The things you do <sigh>

I only dreamed of my wife once. I think my inner self has been trying to protect myself and sometimes it leaks. In many ways I would think this is some sort of brain trauma and you have to learn to patch it.

As fro the dream talk - I know I was talking to myself in a semi awake state, but the illusion felt good.

Come Find me love I’m here You’re dead No I’m not - stop saying that I wish you were you here I know

Adventure Time 

- I just binged 4 seasons and I still don’t get this cartoon, but this resonated. 

I don’t know what to do. Maybe this is a midlife crisis compounded with sadness with missing my wife.

I just don’t know what to do. Three years and I am aimless. I developed this don’t care attitude. I force myself to do things and it gives me no joy.

I need to look for work and I don’t know what to do. I am pretty sure I don’t want to do IS (information Systems) and for the past little bit as I am applying for work and re doing my resume in this field. I feel really unhappy and maybe anxiety is creeping in more and more. I also think i’m sabotaging myself - I’m tried and restless as I debate with myself what to put down on the resume to match the job application... Devil’s advocate plays a lot more now - maybe I’m not qualified, I lack the skills, other people are better than me....

I want to change (I think), but I don’t know what to do. I’ve been thinking of more and more at looking at “blue collar” work, but at the same time I feel I would disappoint the dead (my wife) or maybe fear of the unknown.

Running out of money, grieving (I think less), being depressed... blah. The worst part of this ramble is that I have so much more empathy in general towards people in difficult times and at the same time I would never want to wish anyone to go through what i have gone through to have this emotional understanding... 

Feeling like a dork and trying to not be a hermit.

**

Grief with death:

The scary side; maybe this is all about being lonely. My wife’s sis was worried the initial year that I may take my life and join my wife. We ended up pinky swearing to talk to each other to reach out to each other (meh, things you say when sad). 

Truthfully, it only entered my mind briefly when she brought it up. I was in shock for the better part of the year. Just numb in not having my wife by my side and there was just too much family/friend drama drama to share around. Death does things to people.

I stuck it out for 4 months. There was no financial accountability, insurance payments were getting lapsed, vendors weren't getting paid, members weren't being informed of actions... It was like a secret organization - an ol’ boys club.

I stood my ground and life’s too short for that type of BS. So I resigned, recorded all my work, my protests, and, posted to all the members. Life’s  too short, right?

It did make me sad that I couldn’t find a compromise. I thought maybe this would be a good challenge in my life to “get better”. I couldn’t get 8 other directors to have a 30 min weekly meeting. It was like pulling teeth to get anything started and completed. A lot of the actions of the senior members was border line misconduct. Passion is one thing, but it was just too dirty for me the outsider to clean up.  I tried to think what my wife would have done and I couldn’t think clearly - my mind was filled with anger. 

The bad part is that it took a couple of weeks of convincing myself to resign (I decided 30 days out). I was being wishy washy - and I’m not wishy washy... until now. I guess I kept searching for an acceptance as to what to do. My heart said to burn the organization - take no prisoner - scorched earth ...

As a result, I woke up everyday for a couple weeks with mixed emotions. I found myself dreaming of deep sorrow - I dreamed of crying (not physical crying). The raw emotion after my wife died would just wake me up. Grieving sucks.

I struggle everyday looking for the noise in my head to come back. The day my wife past away silenced crept up and all that wonderful noise went away.

The last words I told my wife at the hospital was to come find me. After that everything kinda just faded away.

Holidays still suck. I still feel out of place for any family gatherings. I miss her dearly right now.

I decided to take on the challenge and volunteer to a non profit ... They needed restructuring and I had (maybe) the skills to offer in trade. I had many reasons to not take the role. I’m not well, not happy, I’m sad. I won’t complete the task at hand, my ITJ personality won’t allow for mediocrity, and I need my wife beside me (She the Poli Sci Major). In the end I convinced myself “what’s the worst that can happen?”. I can do better... right?

Periodically my dog will sit at the door waiting for my wife to come home. You would think after so much time has passed he would forget. Today is one of those days. Made me a little sad.

I haven’t posted much only because I made the stupid decision to go circuit racing (road racing). It’s stupid since I have no income. Did it bother me - only a little.

Am i in trouble? Depends how you look at it - either way It’s stupid. Just spending money without an income to replace it. The old me - don’t use your savings. That’s for the future. The new me - Frack the future. Why worry. *sigh*

Second place was all I could muster for the season and truth be told my heart wasn’t in it. I found little love notes and then memories of working on the race car together. Those days sucked. 

In the end I brood a little too much and it’s becoming a habit. I know,  I must stop, but I feel the alternative is sadness. I hate being sad.

I figure the rage in me would leave once I put real focus - it would be put to good use. I couldn’t swallow the lie and so the inferno in me is only dull. 

I called my little sis (sis in law) and it’s been a good long while since we’ve met up. For a brief moment I saw my love. Yes, they are sisters - I just never noticed any resemblance (they are 8 years difference).  I think we see through each other as broken and so carry on polite conversations. I worry about her dearly , but what can i do? I can’t lead by example.

I have never questioned existence so much. I always had the attitude of going forward - “Non je ne regrette rien” . Now a days, I question why go forward every second without my beautiful girl, my wife. I know, the world continues on and so must I.

The moon represents my heart. 

Some days - who am i kidding. Everyday I wish I could tell you how much I miss you and how much you were loved.

I came across a video from a youtuber by chance and it brings into the conundrum it presents to the living:

An event happens and you think of the person and then you miss them. The thing is it make you sad because they are no longer with the living. Eventually you get tired of the pain it causes and avoid those events from happening, to shield yourself from the roller coaster of emotions that fall out. There in lies the problem - you know it hurts less each time, but it still hurts and like all things in life you move away from the pain.

It’s an ugly cycle.

The fighter part in me says to never give in, but I grow tired. Things are just not that clear anymore.

I needed a medical sign off for my FIA race license. My family doctor decided he no longer wanted to sign off - most likely a sign of retirement or something sad happened; I was booked and then he cancelled.

Anyway, I was referred to a walk in clinic and had to pony up some $$ since it’s not a normal medical (Family doc would have been free). It is what it is.

I bring in a folder of my past medical sign off’s and the Doc looks at me and starts to get serious. I try and assure him that it’s just to give him an idea of my medical history and give him assurance in the sign off.

The conversation after turns to what I drive, how fast, have i been hurt, and if I do this professionally... It’s always interesting to see the shock when I say this is all for fun and no I can’t make a living; I wish.

He then throws me a curve. “What does your wife think about this?” . In my medical records my wife still shows as my contact.

In my head I wanted to tell him “The dead don’t care”. Instead, I told him a story how my wife came to terms with my hobby if I wasn’t safety conscious. She also liked to drive fast and so she was a keeper.

In the background I recalled the conversation I had with wife. I was shocked when she told me that she really didn’t like watching me circuit racing. She researched and understood the dangers, but accepted that it was ok since I took it serious and a little over board with safety like wearing extra nomex layer, fire suppression. That’s the type of person my wife was, analytical, and at the same time kept her fears to her self.

Like anything in life - I started thinking that it’s time to give up my silly racing habit. You know, pay off the house faster, save money for kids, have a fun vacation... My wife would hear none of that - “don’t you give up what you love”. <sigh> That’s my girl! 

The funny part is she knew I could care less about racing or the race car. She wanted me to be happy and I wanted her to be happy.