masternest

I had a dream and it felt so vivid. It’s rare that I remember my dreams so I might as well write what I can remember while I still can. It felt like another life and another world. What makes me say this was cause the clothing I was wearing was very strange and it felt like there wasn’t much electricity. Is this me projecting something from Fallout? There were torches around and it was night. What was very clear to me and that I’m fighting to remember is this woman. I cried when I woke up as I slowly began to realize that she was just a dream but everything felt so real or at least that’s what my mind is telling me. It feels like I was pulled away from that world and sent back here? I’m trying to remember her face. White hair with blue eyes and white skin. Lucy from Cyberpunk? No her face didn’t look like that. It was very cute though and that smile was amazing. I kept wanting to try and make her smile. She took me around everywhere. There was stone everywhere and I think we were in a section of a coliseum or something but kind of to the side and under it as there was still stone above us but I could hear cheering from a distance. We did something together but I can’t remember. The next thing I did remember was her leaving me with her best friend. She had reddish hair and it was tied up in a ponytail at the back but it wasn’t neat looking. She was shorter and skinnier than the other girl and her face had sharper features and more conventionally pretty kinda. I was wearing shorts now and a shirt and I was laying on my side with one knee raised and this friend was really close to me. I don’t know why I let her close like that but we were laughing about something. Then she tried to kiss me. I knew what was about to happen and I hesitated. Our lips touched but it wasn’t a proper kiss as I turned my head away saying that I can’t do this. I think I was crying then. Then I woke up and was crying too. But yeah what the fuck was that? I think, my need to be loved again is projecting and wanting me to be in a relationship again? But then there was the other girl. Maybe my mind wanted to have a taste of what it feels like to be on the other end of cheating since I was cheated on in the past. Maybe my brain wanted to me to be wanted that way? I don’t know. Welp that’s it

If you know me, you'll know that I'm generally considered a very kind and patient man. At least, that's what people tell me. But that doesn't mean that I don't get angry. In fact, it's bad when I actually get angry about something. I don't bottle things inside me and then have them burst out just suddenly. It's really that there are very few things that will get me angry. But it happens. At work, I got reprimanded for not mentioning all the medicines on the list to the patient. The main point of mentioning that list at all is to see if the patient has used any of those medicines. But the patient had cut me off to save time and mentioned that he only takes two particular medicine which was not even on the list. Yes I know we're supposed to read the whole list but it did seem pointless at the time to finish up the few remaining medicine that was on that list just to make the patient angry. So I didn't finish reading that list and because of that, I got reprimanded. Well great. What can you do at that point? Couple that with having fumbled your school work and other personal shit and it was almost the perfect recipe to make me angry. Now when I'm angry, I just seethe in my anger and let it fester for a bit. In fact, it's such a rare occurrence for me that I almost try and study myself and what I'm going through in the moment. I have a go to song that I like to play on repeat over and over to help me simmer down. I keep listening to it till I'm feeling better and even singing along. The song helps me remember the good things in my life cause I associate with so many good memories and friends. It also helps me to just reach out to friends and see them happy and excited. Same thing with family. There are things in life that you just can't control sometimes and change is the only thing that's permanent. So it's good to remember to let go and to try to not worry. If someone does wrong to you, hopefully justice will get served but if it's not through you, it will manifest in other ways as trust me, karma will always come for us all. Anyway, I need to get a new job XD Canadians on the phone are not so nice as people make em out to be and I'm over it. Ima keep an eye out for some better jobs that I can do or something. I'll work it out somehow. And if not, at least I tried

Life has been sucking as of late. This is just what I feel though. In truth, I probably shouldn’t complain. There are a lot of other people that have things worse off than I do. I should be grateful but it’s hard. Especially when it’s something that you can’t seem to control. For me, it’s been just me trying to be a dad to my kids. Initially, I had thought that it was my ex limiting their time with social media. But I’ve come to learn that they didn’t seem to want to spend as much time with me as I thought they did. My friends tell me that it’s cause they’re growing up. But I don’t think I’m asking too much of their time honestly. I’m happy if I even get to have a video call with them once a week but even that has been something so hard to do these days. It makes me question what I’m doing here in the US. Is my sacrifice just meaningless? I trying to give them a potentially better life but what if they don’t want it? I obviously want to respect whatever wishes they have but I just hate wasting years that I’ve spent here now to go to nothing. And balancing school, work, and trying to get my driving license, the weeks just seem to go by so quick and I never feel satisfied enough. Just sucks. I’m ranting to the void I know but I just truly feel alone. I have friends but I don’t think they’ll understand me. Heck my best friends don’t really get me in that regard. And I’ve also just accepted that I’m just a little too ugly for women to see me in relationships with em. How I even got into relationships in the past is beyond me at this point XD but I guess that’s life. You do what you can. I was thinking to start a private journal for my kids where I can just place my feelings unto there for them to read if I ever pass away or something. You never know. But yeah life goes on. At least I’m alive right? Gotta make do with what we can. I’ve let down a lot of friends online in many ways and I’m trying to right those wrongs as best I can. I also want to make more content so I’ll work on that too. Initially I thought to make content to show to friends and family but now I feel that I want to do it more for myself. That way, I can leave some mark in this world to know that I was here