I befriended a feral cat once who had spent her life in the forest without human interaction. I was worried about her because she had a paw damaged from an old injury and was emaciated but obviously nursing kittens that were hidden away somewhere. It took me weeks of putting out food and sitting across the yard every evening for her to trust me even a little and when she decided we were friends and she expected dinner every night she started coming to my door and trying to call for me in the evening, but she didn’t meow. Why would she? Cats only meow naturally as kittens when their vocal chords/ears aren’t fully developed, adult cats communicate with vocalizations that aren’t audible to humans. She probably tried making noises I couldn’t hear to call me but ended up sticking to the one I always responded to- a horrible yowling growl that she had made at me when we first encountered each other in the forest. Except once we were friends she would make this noise while purring and rubbing affectionately against a nearby tree or the porch railing (because she didn’t want to touch me yet). This understandably freaked my family members out but I was touched that she had taken the time to find a way to basically yell FUCK OFF in an affectionate way.

Fast forward to when she finally trusts me enough to bring her hidden kittens out of the forest to me, long story short I gained their trust and put them in this big pen, that I had previously used to keep chickens in, so they’d be safe and to keep her from having another litter. Except she was already secretly pregnant again! (Fix your pets, guys, they make SO many babies) and ended up having her new babies in this pen. I kept my distance, sitting on the outside once they were born until she seemed comfortable enough to let me come inside. The kittens were a bit wild, hissing viscously at me as soon as they opened their eyes, but they warmed up to me. There were four of them and soon they all wanted to be the center of attention during the twice daily play sessions. I’d be playing with one and another would meow insistently behind me and I’d immediately answer them and give them love, teaching them that humans could be friends that answer their needs- making them adoptable once they were weaned. Mama cat (Artie) would just watch me play with them, and I guess she was doing some thinking because one day when they were about a month old I was playing with them and one meowed behind me. I was confused because I hadn’t realized there was a kitten behind me and when I turned, there wasn’t. The only cat there was Artie looking at me really intensely. I turned back around to the kittens and I heard the meow again, I turned back to Artie and responded in the way I always did with the kittens “yes baby?” And she meowed again in an exact imitation of her kittens! After that she would.not.shut.up. It was like she had cracked some kind of code, meowing for attention and snacks and just to say hi. Her two older kittens, the ones she’d had in the forest, had never meowed at me either but started to once they saw how I responded to their mom. and I find it endlessly fascinating because before that it had never occurred to me that cats only meow at humans because they were taught by other cats to keep meowing past kittenhood because that’s the best way to get a human’s attention.

"The Democratic Party: Hey, We're Not As Shitty As The GOP!"

Support Ukraine Freedom!

then i might start to believe i'm lazy, ugly, unattractive, slovenly, wasteful, inconsiderate, rude, gross, cold and immature!!!!

giving myself affirmations in the mirror won't be effective and won't be enough. why should i believe myself over the world? it's not convincing. and even if i do succeed in convincing myself, i'll be subjected to the barrage again as soon as i step out the door.

But my thoughts about myself did not appear out of fucking nowhere! a lot of the thought challenging in CBT is based on looking for evidence for the thought, with the presumption that negative thoughts are irrational, so you won't find any. BUT I HAVE A SHIT TONNE OF EVIDENCE! THATS WHY I HAVE SELF ESTEEM ISSUES! I have a lifetime of evidence of my peers calling me ugly and unlovable for being fat. I have a lifetime of evidence of peers thinking i'm weird and off-putting and unlovable for being autistic. Being persistently bullied in every education environment i've ever been in, and at my first job, and in every club I've ever been part of is a lot of fucking evidence. And no amount of "I love myself uwu" will counteract that I am constantly told by the world that I shouldn't.

I have a psychology degree, and in the course of that, we addressed the influence of systemic oppression on therapy all of once. It was an off-hand "well if someone is in financial trouble, stress management exercises probably won't fix it" like yeah, no shit.

It's not irrational for me to take what I've been constantly told about myself to heart. It's fucked up that people think that way, but at a certain point it's hard to convince myself that everyone else is wrong and I'm right. CBT makes me feel like I'm being fucking gaslit.