Hi feel free to delete this if this is weird or bad or something and apologies for dropping this in your inbox
I donât know where I can talk about some stuff related to my ocd. Iâd like to talk about aspects of it in specific places but I donât want to subject anyone to dealing with my fears and having a space specifically for people like me to talk about these issues feels problematic in itself
I have a very great fear of being racist. Iâve read books breaking down this fear, dealing with the fact that I benefit from white privilege and that I probably have some learned racial biases/may do something that upholds it etc. basically taking responsibility and endeavouring to be a good person without making it about my defensiveness. Which is great! Iâm happy Iâm more aware now and have the tools and langauge to deal with this!
But in comes ocd andâŚIâm convinced Iâm the worst person. Iâm trying to make my music more varied but I get stressed because there are so many artists, Iâll have to spend a lot of time listening to music which makes me feel like Iâm wasting time, I have specific favourite artists I just want to listen to, Iâll worry if itâs bad if I donât like a whole album. Also with tv/movies I now feel guilty for enjoying shows that donât have a lot of diversity in them. Iâm actively trying to consume more shows with more diversity because it is jarring to realise huh, this western-made show is really lacking in representation, but I feel guilty now for liking my comfort shows which arenât a diverse cast. The same goes for YouTube. And books. And everything else.
To be clear Iâm not saying that itâs a bad thing to diversify what you consume and I donât feel like Iâm being told you must like this or your x. Itâs purely my ocd that makes me feel like I have to, and because itâs not âorganicâ I feel like I must be a terrible person because if I was a good person I wouldnât have to go searching and because I donât always enjoy searching for new things and just want familiar. Itâs my issue and I donât want to take up space and make said space unsafe to others.
And if itâs okay, since Iâm here, my intrusive thoughts are scary. As well as intrusive thoughts about causing harm, Iâll hear or read phrases and words/behaviours (not just racist but other deeply problematic things which make me feel sick) that arenât acceptable at all, remember then and out of nowhere theyâll appear in my head around certain people. And all I can do is thank whoever that I donât say them out loud. And Iâll chastise myself and theyâll come back stronger! I feel so horrible about it I genuinely want to do something extreme to get it to stop. Iâm in the midst of seeking help but I am so scared of admitting these things out loud because if I heard them from someone else my first instinct is to be appalled. What if they confirm I am in fact a horrible, dangerous person? Iâm at the point I want to completely isolate myself from society and never consume anything ever again. But even thatâs not possible because I still would find a way to worry about the ethics of that and other things I must consume (food, clothes, etc etc). I question every thought I have, every choice I make, every choice I donât make, every choice others make, opinions of others, every action I take even if itâs something like sleep, I question my right to complain because of my privilege, I question my voice and body language, I question my childhood and can I call certain things trauma, andâŚI donât know what term to use because I donât want to be ableist either but the only way I can describe what I feel day-to-day is that Iâm losing my mind. I understand that itâs unavoidable, that in some way I wonât be a good person, that Iâll mess up and all I can do is accept it and grow but I am also so so so terrified of hurting anyone (human, animal, environment) directly or indirectly. Iâm terrified of conflict, let alone conflict I might cause. You know as a kid when you would be worried that youâd make your teddy bears feel like you have favourites? Itâs that extreme sensitivity to even âlow stakesâ stuff that I still have. So for âhigh stakesâ? Itâs a lot worse.
My ocd makes me feel selfish and dramatic andâŚI hate it. I canât do anything. Iâm that person theyâd call âsnowflakeâ or âomg you guys canât do anything!â Itâs embarrassing. Iâm overwhelmed all the time and it doesnât matter that Iâm doing what I can to make good choices and be a good impact because it doesnât feel like enough. Calling myself overwhelmed or bringing up my ocd feels like an excuse which I know is internalised ableism but it does feel that way. When thereâs so much bad it just makes sense (to me) that my stuff doesnât matter because there are people who would kill to have my problems instead of theirs. And this is an example because I wanted to talk about the first stuff but Iâve devolved into how horrible I feel! Isnât that selfish and making it about me?
I donât even know what Iâm doing by sending this except venting because Iâm reassurance seeking and thatâs not healthy behaviour and I donât want to receive reassurance because thatâs bad.
Hey, tumblr? Look at this post. Read it until you comprehend it.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU ENABLE MORAL OCD.
This is what happens when you say thoughts are the same as actions. This is what happens when you say thoughts determine your true moral character. This is the direct result of cancel culture, "Don't you dare look away!!!" politics, guilt trips about people who don't reblog every post about atrocities, guilt trips about how your music library isn't diverse enough, guilt trips about how you need to be hypervigilent because the slide backwards into full-blown bigotry is inevitable and absolute.
This is the natural conclusion of trying to mentally torture people for not being morally pure.
And I'm fucking sick of it. It's ABLEISM to torture people with mental illness. It's ABLEISM to make posts targeting some form of bigotry with way too much hostility. That actual bigot you're targeting will never care. That actual bigot you're targeting is just going to use it to fuel their persecution complex, or laugh at you because they think you sound crazy. The only people who will be hurt are the kindest and most sensitive souls on the planet who think the cereal you eat for breakfast in the morning is praxis that needs to be informed by your activism, the people who already torture THEMSELVES for their intrusive thoughts and having them get worse as a result, convinced that having distressing thoughts you can't control makes you a bad person, while the ACTUAL bigots commiting real hate crimes will never be affected by your guilt trips in the slightest.
YOU PEOPLE DOING THIS NEED TO TAKE A VERY SERIOUS STEP BACK AND ASK YOURSELVES WHO YOUR MESSAGE IS FOR, WHO IT WILL AFFECT, AND HOW IT WILL AFFECT THEM, BUT YOU DON'T, BECAUSE YOU'RE DISGUSTING ASSHOLES WHO WANT THE SOCIAL BROWNIE POINTS THAT COME FROM FIGHTING BIGOTS WITHOUT ACTUALLY DOING ANYTHING TANGIBLE TO HELP REAL PEOPLE AND EVEN HURTING PEOPLE WHO DID NOTHING WRONG.
I'm so sorry, anon. I know how you feel, and I hope more often from now on, you're able to take a step back yourself and realize you're already a better person than most people would ever care to be. Those guilt-tripping posts aren't for you. The wrong people in this world are unlearning shame.
It's a fucking meme that people on tumblr are just casually ableist, and none of them ever fucking think about what that actually means.
