the optimistic pessimist maria

They would never get it. Frankly I never got it

And then he asks me if I love him, if I'm happy with him.

I keep agreeing to survive on crumbs, convinced that wanting a slice of cake was too much

I think love has very little to do with destiny. It feels more like the quiet accumulation of a thousand impossibilities finding its way not to remain impossible. Born beneath different skies, carried by different griefs, shaped by different versions of ourselves, and still the world found a way to fold our lives into the same sentence.

Some days I have to remind myself that everyone is carrying something invisible. We move through each other’s lives like ships crossing in fog, seeing only outlines and never below deck. Beneath ordinary conversations are griefs and weights that leave no bruises for the world to notice.

...And that was the last straw. Whatever it was, it settled beneath my skin and left me trembling. Not from shock, but from the strange ache of finally seeing what had been there all along.

People have no idea what it cost me to still be standing here. They do not know how many nights I spent digging through wounds I stitched shut with my own bleeding hands, peeling them open again so others could rest peacefully atop the ruins left behind. I never longed for revenge, nor for them to taste even a fraction of what they handed me. Still, there is a particular cruelty in having to heal from wounds you never deserved in the first place.

Thank you for making me feel like I could win prizes simply for existing (and smiling... like you would always say).

And I woke up. But last night I was praying just to fall asleep. I didn’t want to feel that empty drifting again. At least not without something to help me rest.

I've always been convenience disguised as choice. And for the longest time, I settled for it. It felt like happiness or at least something close enough that I convinced myself it was. I took it as it came and quietly accepted that consequences would follow, as they always do.